Principles for Parenting
I'm your host, Tiffany Sauder. And this is Scared Confident. The question I'm answering today is what principles guide your parenting. I know I have lots more to learn. About parenting as my kids get older, but there's three principles that I'd say most of my decisions as a parent, most of our decisions, Darren eyes, as parents for the girls wrap around these three things.
I remember. I dunno. I don't think I had kids. So there's a story first before I tell you the first one, I think I was in my mid twenties and I was at a meeting and I was meeting with a gentleman and his, he had brought his son to the meeting and his kid was probably like eight years old, something like that.
And at the end of the meeting, I said, um, wow, your child is super well-behaved. Was excellent. I love that you're exposing them to business. They're really well behaved. And his response to me was, well, kids behave to your expectations. And I was like, what? He said, well, kids behave in a, in a line of what you expected them.
So if you expect that two year olds throw fits, then you will accept that your two-year-old is throwing fit. If you. Expect that three-year-olds, don't say in bed, then you will accept that your three-year-old doesn't stay in bed, but when you expect great behavior from your kids, then that's what you parent to.
Kids know what you expect from them and obviously the way that you guide them and lead them and what you allow and what you have consequences for informs that. But this idea of kids behaving to your expectations. I have found it to be very. My oldest is almost 13. My youngest is one and even Quincy at one, like my expectation is that she does not flip over every single time.
I tried to change her diaper. Like she knows what's happening and she knows when she's being defiant about that. And so. I think, making sure that you're clear in your own mind about what you expect from your kids, because they will behave in accordance with that. So that's the first one kids behave to your expectations.
The second is model to your kids, what you want them to do. And this comes out for me. I think, you know, I, I want my kids to be respectful. I'm sure most. Listening what their kids to be respectful. And if we want our kids to say, please, and thank you. And if we want our kids to close the door, and if we want our kids to like be ordered, then we need to be that to them.
Like we are modeling to them, those things. So when you ask your child for something, do you say like, Hey, can you please pass the milk? Or like, Hey, thanks for putting that away for me. Or I really appreciate you. Cleaning up your room. Like I asked you to like, are we being respectful in the way that we engage with them because that's modeling that to them.
And I think when, you know, Ask them to say, please, and thank you to strangers, but we don't do that inside our own homes. It really isn't getting it deep inside their character of, we are respectful to one another. That's how this works and I'm going to be respectful to you. And I'm going to expect you to be that way.
To me, that doesn't mean we can't have disagreements. That doesn't mean that we can't work through things, but we're going to be respectful. And I'm going to respect you as a way to start and to model that. I think that if you walked into our home, you would see a lot of kindness from Jr and I to our kids, because I'm expecting kindness from them to me.
I don't want them to be disrespectful of me. I don't want them to like talk to me in a tone of voice that is snarky. And so even when I'm disciplining them, I'm work to be measured about that so that they understand it's not conditional. We do need to talk about some things that are difficult, but, um, I want to model that to them because I that's how I want them to.
So you can pick your own things. Maybe that's not, what's important to you, but understand. We can't just ask our kids to memorize our expectations. We have to model them. And the third one, this one came to mind because I had a particular experience come up this week, where I needed to ask Ivy for forgiveness.
So the third one is that be willing to demonstrate. Sorry and forgiveness, meaning as a parent, sometimes we need to say to our kids that we're sorry, because we have done something that disappointed them, that let them down violated a promise that we made to them. And I think it's a, it's difficult, but it's a great way to show that we are imperfect.
And when we do something that we're disappointed and that we're willing to say that, we're sorry. And ask them for forgiveness. So my little situation was that this week was like spirit week. The kids needed to dress up every day and these like things pushed me over the edge. It's like one more thing to remember and I just stink at it.
And partially I stink at it. Cause I don't care about. And I forget that is very important when you're in school, that you do those things. And it's very important in particular, when you're six, that you participate in those things. So on Wednesday of this week, it was dress up like your ideal career day.
So there were like policemen and like ninjas and. I be said, her teacher dressed up as a Peloton instructor. So, you know, like the whole school is in costume and I forgot. So I went to school in her regular clothes and so she gets to school and it's basically like, you know, Halloween 1.0, and I got home from.
Um, my, my nanny picked her up from school and my nanny said that she was crying on the way home. And when I got home from work, she kinda like had it out with me. Like she was really hurt and she was embarrassed and she was, she was mad. And I understand that I deserve that. That was justified, that she was angry with me for forgetting.
That she needed to dress up that day and she wanted to be a makeup artist. And so she said, mom, when they went around the circle, I had to say that I just wanted to be myself when I grow up, but that's not true. That's not what I want to be. I want to be a makeup artist and it broke my heart that I disappointed her.
But I also recognize in that moment, it was an opportunity for me to show her that when you've done something wrong, you need to say, you're sorry. I said Ivy you're right. I disappointed you. You are right. I did not remember. I did not make it a priority to remember in that is hurtful. And I'm sorry about that.
And she did not forgive me. She needed to be mad for a minute, but that evening we talked through it, we came up with a plan B, I emailed her teacher and said like, Hey, will you be a partner with me in this? Ivy was really mad at me. I understand, because she picked another day to like, Be a makeup artist so that she can show her friends what she wants to be.
And so, you know, I think. It was not a great mom moment. I honestly haven't beat myself up over it. Like, I hate that I did that, but it is part of being busy and I accept those consequences and I feel like I got a chance to demonstrate to IB that I am not too big, too proud to adults to say, I'm sorry to her.
And we got to talk about forgiveness. So I think just remembering that, that our kids don't need us to be perfect, but they do need us to be completely human. Even in those moments when we feel them.
So what else is on your mind? Text me 3 1 7 3 5 0 8 9 2 1 3 1 7 3 5 0 8 9 2 1. And be sure to follow along on your favorite podcast app. Thanks for listening today. .