Solving for the traveling partner in a 2-career home

Tiffany Sauder:

I am a small town kid, born with a big city spirit. I choose to play a lot of awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, c e o, board member, investor, and mentor. 17 years ago I founded a marketing consultancy, and ever since my husband JR and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline.

Yep. That means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life. We love when I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these, and in my life, it unlocked my world, and I want that for you too. I'm Tiffany Sauder and this is Scared Confident.

I just did a little bit of calendar work of the first 25 days of January. My husband has been gone, 12 of. , so like half, and this is not a complaining thing, this is just a fact thing. And so I have been starting the year, I dunno, just a lot of days alone, I kind of wrote out like what happens when you have a season where you're gonna be gone a lot or your spouse is gonna be gone a lot and you're like apart, you have four kids, you have a very busy household.

And so there's like a certain energy that it requires of me when JR is gone. , it just takes a different motor. And so I wanted to talk about that and some tips. Some things I did well the last two weeks and some things I would say I didn't do well then I'm like, dang it, that created a real like pothole for me and I need to know that that's something that helps me get through better when he's gone.

And then the other thing that I don't think we talk enough about is just the reintegration. Like when you guys come back together as a couple, when you come back together as a family, when suddenly. two ideas of parenting in the house when you know the person who's been gone maybe lacks some context for what's been going on in the family.

Talking through, when we do that, well, what do we do? And then the third one I would say is just like your own head game about the spouse who's gone. Because for me, I'll just say me. Maybe you never do this. I can turn myself into a real martyr, the one being home. But I also know because there's been seasons where I have been the spouse who was traveling, the one who was away.

It is also hard to be away. It's also hard, it's different, hard, like you're alone and you have first of little time . But let guide us up. No, but the narrative that you practice in your mind about your spouse while they're gone, like really matters a lot. And so I wanna talk about those three things. So some tips for the traveling spouse, like meaning.

Sarah's been gone a bunch. Your husband, your spouse, your wife, whatever, has been gone a lot. How do you keep center? And for me, these are five things I wrote down just reflecting on the last couple weeks. The first one, do something for you 30 minutes a day when there is like literally a constant stream of mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.

Or emails dinging or text messages or dropping off at practices or I've gotta leave cuz I need to pick them up. Absolute constant requirement of your attention and time from bell to Bell Sun up to sundown. Having 30 minutes that you take for yourself, for me is imperative. That can look like a bath, like after dinner, everybody's doing something, homework, whatever.

And I take a 30 minute bath. That can look like waking up early and jumping on the Peloton for 30 minutes, which it literally looked like this last. . When I said, Aubrey my oldest, I need you to watch the kids. I've got to go for a run. Like I just needed 30 minutes of a alone time. So it doesn't have to necessarily be like 4:00 AM 30 minutes, even if you have little kids.

My sister used to like put up baby gates and throw a bunch of toys and like she could see them, but they'll be fine if they're crying for a minute. Doing something for yourself. 30 minutes every day no matter what, to me, makes me be like, I am still a human being and I am not losing my existence into just a chatter of mama, mama, mom.

Okay. Number two for me is take care of tomorrow morning, the night before. So what that means for me is like, give me some margin of error, because when JR is gone, there's no margin. And so if I mess something, Or like, I miss something or a kid misses the bus or something like that, and I don't have some margin built into the morning.

I'm just screwed. So practically for me, that looks like Quincy loves to eat oatmeal in the morning. Uh, I don't know why I don't just buy the instant packets. I should, but I don't. So I like make her this oatmeal on this stove. It takes like 12 minutes. That's like 50% of her morning . I get her up and she's at daycare in like 30 minutes.

I make that the night before, make her oatmeal. Everybody's backpacks need to be. Ivy has to take a snack to school every day, make sure he has, she has a snack, fill the water bottles and put ice in them. They'll still have ice the next morning, all that stuff when JIRA's gone, I work to get done the night before.

That way the next morning I have like, hmm, seven to 15 minutes of margin already built in so that I can be surprised by, oh, it's pajama day and we forgot, and the bus is gonna be here in four minutes. Like that kind of stuff. So number two, take care of tomorrow morning. Things, take care of those things the night before.

Number three, don't turn on the tv. Go to bed instead. This is for me. Don't turn on the tv. Go to bed instead. I don't know about you, but whenever J'S gone a lot, I kind of get into this like, well, I haven't had any fun. Like, treat yourself like, you know, I don't know. I kind of like wine, like oh my word. I am so tasked to death.

I'm gonna. And so I'm like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna like sit down and watch a show, which I never do. And then I start that at like 10 15, and then it's like 1107 when it's over. And then you're like, maybe I'll watch one more. And then it's like 12, 10, like it's stupid. And I just have spent 120 minutes doing something that added no value to my life, actually did not help me relax and make me feel better about anything.

And now I've just set myself behind for the next day. I do not turn the TV on when Jr's gone more for my own, like lack of self-control. Probably sometimes like Quincy will watch something after daycare just to kind of mellow and chill. But like really once we hit dinner, TV's off and I don't turn it on again because the best thing I can do for myself and for the family and for my sanity and for everything else is just a go to bed.

So don't turn on the tv, go to bed instead. Um, number four, make your. So simple and silly, but there's something so indulgent about getting into a maid bed at night for me, and it's like a little gift that I can give myself like 14 hours later. And it also feels like a tiny shred of control. And when I walk into my bedroom, it looks pretty and it doesn't look like this slot.

which is kind of how I start to feel after a couple days of being on my own. It just starts to get a little bit crazy. So make your bed, it's like a little gift to yourself, and it's like, no, look, this is pretty, I deserve this. I'm gonna get into a clean made bed tonight. It's like a gift to your future self.

And then the fifth one, which is maybe we can use as a segue into a second topic I wanna talk about, which is reintegration is I would say like have a re-entry. I wish I could say JR and I have a playbook for this. We don't. But I was noticing last week he had come home, he'd been gone for a lot and I was just like a little bit edgy with him, like just a little short.

And I was like, we just need time together. We just need time to catch up. And so we went out to dinner on Saturday night and it just like glued us back together, like the puzzle pieces like fit again. . We needed different things from each other, but we just needed time to connect. So yes, he had been on the road a lot.

Yes. He had been eating out a lot. Yes. It was like one more thing to coordinate. But that is a really important piece to think about with your spouse partner is like, how are you gonna reintegrate? How do you reconnect? And so for us it's. just like sitting down and talking, like going out for dinner and getting into a new environment so that I'm not distracted by the tasks and dishes and sweeping the floor and like that kind of stuff that comes with just being at home and there being a lot of things to do.

And so what is your reentry strategy and if it feels off, cuz it kind of does sometimes just go to dinner, how do you go to. . That's also hard. My older two girls went to friend's houses and then we called really close friends and I literally was like, in six hours, I just need to drop my little kids off at your house.

And she was like, yeah, no problem. So like take a friend up on the fact that they've said I'd be happy to help. Like call a coworker that you know is not a serial killer and ask them to watch your kids like actually believe people when they say they want to help you because they really do. And I think it can be a little bit of a trap for high achievers, like never need anybody.

but you really do need people and you need your friends to help you. And when they feel you lean on them to let them help you, they will be much more inclined to call you to help them. And then your friendship gets even tighter and you realize you actually need each other. And that's a really important part of friendship.

And then it's just like a really beautiful thing. I, my friend listening to this probably like no, she literally never hesitates to just, in truth, it's true. It's a spiritual gift. because I don't mind being interrupted. And so I think other people don't either, but some of them do not like it. But that's fine.

So that's number five. Have a reentry strategy or plan a dinner out. That probably would've been the better thing for me to do is like, he's gonna be gone a lot. Let's go ahead and get something on the calendar so that we have that connection point. And I think if I was to give advice to the spouse who is away.

and say like, how do you serve your household? How do you integrate better? I would say like two things. One, I so appreciate it. When JR comes home and he listens, meaning he like wants to know what's been going on with the kids, what are the issues that you resolved? What are the like little fights that the girls were in?

What has been happening like. when he comes home and like jumps in and disciplines somebody and it feels like super out of the blue. Or maybe like I had dealt with something way bigger with that kid earlier in the week. And the thing to do is just to let this one go, and we've talked about this so I can share this on the podcast.

He knows this is the thing. I need him just to listen to me first about like what's been going on with the fam, with the kids, which is like the energy of where things are at, what's going on at school. Just listen. The other thing I would say is like say thank you to the person who's been keeping the household up.

Because we know we're doing a good job and we know that it's important. And even though I have a job and I have lots of people that tell me that I'm good at my life, I sometimes need JR to say like, you're crushing it babe. Like you're really crushing it as a mom. And I sometimes just need him to say that.

And I think you really need somebody to say that to. when they've been away a lot and you've been filling in the gaps of both your role and your spouse's role, like in the family. So just say thank you. Listen, say thank you. You're crushing it. I see you. I bet this was hard. There's something that just makes you say like, okay, I did it.

And yeah, you're welcome. And yeah, it was hard, but I'm alive. Like it's fine. Oh, ask your spouse how they're. . Like not, is the house clean? Was the garage door down? Is there food in the fridge? But like how are you doing? How is your heart? Like how are you doing? Because it can be hard to be seen by your kids and you need your partner to like be there for you in that way, like emotionally.

And there's not a lot of space for that when they're gone A lot. Because my personality is not to like launch a big emotional. Over the phone to JR. When he's away. Like he can't do anything about it, even if he really wanted to. And I know he's got a lot of hard things he's solving and so me just like launching that is, just feels unfair.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be here for me or he couldn't, or he, it's just more of a me choice. Like, Hey, we'll just talk through it when you get home. So tell them thank you and ask them how they're doing. How is your heart? How are you feeling? Is there a way that I could show up for you that you would, that would be helpful?

and then I think if you are the one who's been away, be clear about like, Hey, here's what I need from you right now, or here's what I need. Like I know Jr's back always gets tight when he travels a lot, and so it is very helpful for him when you can go get a massage. Before I made that connection, it would be very annoying to me that he got home and then he went and got a massage, cuz it's like, well you just did two indulgent things.

You were away by yourself eating food and now you're getting a. , but now I know like no, that's connected to his physiological response to travel and stress and sleeping in beds that aren't his own, is that his body gets really tight. So part of the way that he reconnects back home, I get a massage, I get my back feeling better.

That allows him to be more present. Like, okay, now I know that's one of the things that he needs when he gets home. And now it's not a source of contention, cuz I know it's not that he just wants to be away from us for another hour. You know? So talk through that stuff. It's so, I. I'd be curious to know if there's things you guys have done or tried or tried and it totally didn't work.

Tried like, Hey, dad's home. Like, let's make a big dinner and set the table beautiful and like make a big deal out of it. But honestly, it just feels forced for me. I'm sorry, babe. If you're listening to this, But, uh, I just felt for, I don't know, it's like I want the girls to be excited he's coming home, but it's like sometimes it's hard for me to move all the way to celebrate when I'm like, I'm so tired, I'm gonna die.

And so it kind of felt like I was giving myself another great big job right before he came home. And so that one was not productive. for me. He's probably like, how many times did we try that? Like maybe twice. Not very many. Um, it just felt hoar, . Cause I more was like, no, you should be celebrating me. Okay.

Anyways, I hope your year is starting off Well, I would say mine has been kind of hard. That's probably the truest thing I can say. I've had some, some kids just working through some things that were unexpected and I'm being stretched as a mom. And my observation in that is I came into the new year with like, you know, life's gonna be perfect.

The number of minutes I work out, I'm gonna like only eat ka. Number of hours. I'm gonna sleep time, I'm gonna wake up, it's gonna be exactly the same. You know, just a total reset of habits that are not sustainable, which is my default mode. And while I didn't write any of that down, because I knew my brain was in like a, that's not sustainable, that kind of bled into my expectations.

Like the year's gonna start perfectly strong. And it really didn't. We just, I just spent a bunch of time talking about how Jared was on the road a lot, my schedule. I would say had to flex a lot because of it, and then just have had some late night, early morning requirements from what my kids need from me.

And so it's kind of been a casserole of getting all the things done instead of like this perfect linear path of like A, then B, then C, then D. It's like A, then G, then B, then M, then C, then why Like it's been more like my days have looked like that, and once I release the expect. that the year was going to start in a linear way, a then B, that then even eat.

I have enjoyed it and been able to be much more present and I think just looking at the season of life that you're in and making sure that your expectations are realistic for the environment that it's in for what your people need from you. And what other, like just commitments that you've made, what those require of you.

I just was kind of a mental lesson and expectations for me. Anyway, I would love to hear if you have ideas. I'm always wanting to get better at this like traveling spouse thing. I think it will be a permanent part of our existence of a as a two career home that one of us will need to be away at times, and I really want this to be a mature muscle for us.

So thanks for listening in as we solve out loud together for this messy thing called life. Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep telling fear you will not decide what happens in my life. I will. If you wanna get the inside scoop, sign up for my newsletter.

We decided to make content for you instead of social media algorithms. The link is waiting for you in show notes or you can head over to tiffanysauder.com. Thanks for listening.

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