Why You Keep Getting in Your Own Way with Brian Kavicky

Brian Kavicky [00:00:00]:

Anytime you have negative self talk, it's always going to map back to one of those three things. I'm not loved or likable the way that I am. I'm not good enough. And then I don't deserve. Anytime you hear negative talk, work hard to map it to one of those three things and then go, that's not real. So given it's not real, what would I do if that wasn't true? And then take that action.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:00:27]:

I'm a small town kid, born with a big city spirit. I choose to play a lot of awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor and mentor. Seventeen years ago, I founded a marketing consultancy and ever since, my husband JR and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline. Yep, that means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you too. I'm Tiffany Sauder and this is Scared Confident.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:01:09]:

I'm really looking forward to today's conversation. I have Brian Kavicky back on with me and as I was prepping for this and getting ready to send him some notes about what I wanted to chat about, I started just reflecting over the last couple weeks as I've had just more opportunity to be in the community, to like be presenting, kicking off a couple of life of and cohorts and just really having time with women and listening really closely to what are we confronting? What are we giving power to? What is putting us into this like reactive place in life where we don't feel just this sense of energy and lightness and excitement for our days and what are we giving power to that is stealing our joy? Because I see you talk to me and I see in your eyes that you're like, I want life to feel differently, I want to feel joy. But we're giving power over to other things that is taking it from us. So we're going to talk about that. What is stealing our joy? And I have some like literally direct quotes that we're gonna double click into with Brian and also like a kind of a long form email that was sent in from a listener saying, hey, this is something really specific that we're dealing with. So we're gonna like double click into. I'm not just gonna say your issues. These are mine too.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:02:28]:

Like I am living this. How do we stay on top of our mental game? Because when we do that, we create in the world what we Believe is true. And so tackling what our minds are, allowing us to sort of like let live inside of the space between our ears is where all change starts. So that's what we're gonna talk about. So, Brian, thanks for coming on. Let's get to it.

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Brian Kavicky [00:02:51]:

Okay.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:02:52]:

Can I actually have you react maybe first to this idea that what we believe we make true? Because I'm pretty confident. I mean, there's lots of books that say that, but I think you telegraph that most acutely into my life. So talk about that for a second and then we'll go into this kind of belief thing.

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Brian Kavicky [00:03:11]:

So if you ask people, where do your beliefs come from? They say life experiences, environments, how I grew up, all those different things. None of that is actually true. It's actually backwards. So the first thing is that a thought is put in you. So maybe your parents say this is what you should believe. That's that thought is put into you of here's the belief. And then what you do and what your brain does is it seeks evidence to prove that correct. So all of your beliefs eventually become true.

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Brian Kavicky [00:03:42]:

That's why somebody posts their belief on Facebook and everybody argues with them. You don't change their mind because they have proof. And sometimes that proof is the exact same proof the other side saying, and they're going, no, that says I'm right and blah, blah, blah. So you're working to be right and correct all the time, and that will dictate your actions. So your beliefs dictate your actions just because you always prove them right. So the yucky thing about that is that if I don't like my actions or I don't like my outcomes, I have to change my belief, which just means I have to think the opposite thing, or I have to believe something different. But have confidence that you'll always be right. You'll always find evidence for that.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:04:22]:

I think what can also get trippy is that you actually have to start authentically believing it before you see any evidence that it's true.

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Brian Kavicky [00:04:32]:

Yes. You have to say, I bet this is true. Or, well, I know this isn't true anymore, so I'm going to. It can't just be fine, I'll be open minded. Yeah, no, I believe. So the analogy for this to make it less mystical is sort of like the metal detector. So you go to the beach and you have a metal detector and you say, hey, do you think there's any money on this beach? Well, somebody goes, I don't think I'll find anything. So they grab the Metal detector.

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Brian Kavicky [00:05:01]:

They go around five or ten minutes, nothing happens. They find junk and they say, see, I told you so. Then somebody comes and they say, I think there's treasure on this beach. And they'll comb that beach and go through it, and they find stuff and they go, see, I told you there was treasure. So it's not like this thing of manifestation where if I just believe that it'll happen, it'll manifest in my life. It's that your actions become dictated by your pursuit of the truth. But you're setting what's true. Kind of drives that perfect.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:05:30]:

Let's move into it. Because I think that actually matters for where we're going in the conversation. If it goes where I think. Okay, So I started off by sending Brian these three quotes that were like, literal verbatims from. From women that I've talked to over, like, the last 10 days. Number one, I'm so tired of taking care of everyone else. And as you hear me say these, see if you have thought or said them or dared say them out loud to anybody else. Number two is, I have a hard time enjoying the success I have or I've created or giving myself credit when things go well.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:06:07]:

Number three, I want something different, but I don't know where to start. So I sent these to Brian, actually thinking that they were three very different topics. And his response back to me was, what, Brian?

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Brian Kavicky [00:06:18]:

They're all the same thing. They all come from the root of the same problem.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:06:21]:

And I was like, what do you mean? So that's where we go now.

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Brian Kavicky [00:06:25]:

So if you think about these phrases. So I'm so tired of taking care of everyone else. There's an I'm in that phrase. Like, this is how I feel. This is what is going through my head, blah, blah, blah. But the cause is, I'm taking care of everybody else. The second one is I have a hard time enjoying the success or giving myself credit. Some of that is I don't give myself credit, which is a real problem.

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Brian Kavicky [00:06:48]:

Like, why wouldn't you give yourself credit for something you did well? And also it seeks this validation of others. There's an embedded thing of nobody gives me credit when I do well. I also don't give myself credit. And then I want something different, but I don't know where to start. I know I want something different. So if I know what I want, why don't I start? The problem is that they actually don't know what they want or haven't allowed that to happen. All of these things come from a place of negative self talk, which becomes self fulfilling for how they're in pursuit of whether they're in pursuit.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:07:26]:

So what is the alternative to the negative self talk? Because I've always told you, like, I can't do nothing if I can't do the thing I'm doing because you're telling me that's wrong, then what do I do instead? Because I can't do nothing. That's not an option.

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Brian Kavicky [00:07:39]:

Okay, so if you remember, years ago, there was a skit on Saturday Night Live was like Stuart Smalley. And the most famous one was he had it with Michael Jordan, where Michael Jordan was talking about his vulnerabilities as a joke. You know, I struggle with basketball sometimes, like that kind of thing. But Stuart Smalley sort of always ended the skit where he'd look in the mirror and he would say things like, I'm good enough. I'm lovable. All those things. Well, whoever wrote that knew a lot about psychology and was probably getting therapy. Because what they're referencing is a phenomenon called the devil's tongue.

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Brian Kavicky [00:08:15]:

And the devil's tongue is the root of all negative self talk. So anything you tell yourself that is not good comes from this place. And it's not literally the devil speaking in your ear. It's a biological, chemical thing that is meant for emotional protection. So if I throw a pen at your face, you're going to blink. Even if I said don't blink, you're going to blink as soon as that pen's coming at your eyeballs to protect you. The devil's tongue is your emotional blink. And the three phrases that are emotional blinks are, I'm not loved or likable just the way that I am.

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Brian Kavicky [00:08:51]:

I'm not good enough. Like, I don't have enough education, I don't have enough experience, I don't have enough time. Like, it's this mindset of scarcity is I don't have enough, or I'm defective in some way. And the third is I don't deserve. I don't deserve success. I don't deserve nice things. I don't deserve to have a happy life. That something about me is defective.

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Brian Kavicky [00:09:14]:

So whenever you're in a situation where things could be good and you're putting yourself out there at emotional risk, what your brain does says, hold on, maybe you're not loved or likable just the way that you are. You should probably change something. Or maybe you shouldn't put yourself out there, because if you do that, people might not like you. And you go, yeah, because people don't like me. And you self fulfill that and you don't take the action because you listen to that. So to your question of what do I do? It's don't listen to it. Hear it as a blink. Like you don't care.

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Brian Kavicky [00:09:48]:

When you blink, when you're like, oh, I blink, you just move on with your day. When you hear the devil's tongue going, you know what, maybe you're not a likable person. Maybe that's your issue. Go. That's not real. That is just cautioning me that I'm about to get out of my comfort zone, do something different. But I have to treat this differently or I have to go after it. And we can do that one at a time with these.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:10:10]:

Yeah, let's do that. Because I always feel like my body reacts to what my mind is telling me. That's how I know. For me, it's like, what's the tell? For me, it's the way my body feels like when the devil's tongue is at play. I feel so weak and powerless, physically sluggy, tired, indecisive, like, just like heavy. And that's my clue of like, something's got a hold of my brain. Actually, what is it? Versus when I'm in my power state of like a positive mindset, my body reflects it. Like the colors I want to wear, the speed that I walk, just confidence in my choices.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:10:46]:

It's like, I might be right, I might be wrong, but we're rolling with it anyway. Is like my on top of it, healthy brain version. So I don't know if it's like, if you're looking for clues of where is my mindset at? For me, it's so reflected in my physical energy.

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Brian Kavicky [00:11:01]:

Yeah. And people describe spiraling. They're like, I'm sorry, I'm just spiraling right now. I'm, you know, my mind just racing. It all started with one of these statements. And because that statement feels true in your head, you can't do it. So you reference, you know, I'm putting on clothes for the day, and you look in the mirror and you go, I look terrible. And your brain goes, yeah, because you're not loved or likable just the way you are.

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Brian Kavicky [00:11:23]:

You have to dress differently, you have to dress better, you have to spend time with makeup. You have to do all these things because if you don't, people won't think you're good. And you go, yeah, I'm not good. And you just listen to that instead of going, no, I'M me, I look good in everything. Nobody's looking at my clothes, who cares? And move on. You're responding to that, saying, well, that must be true. Instead of going, oh, it's not real good.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:11:47]:

Okay, let's go into these. Which one do you want to start with?

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Brian Kavicky [00:11:50]:

I'm so tired of taking care of everyone else. So when you are listening to negative talk, you are almost rarely focusing on what is your role in the situation. So someone who decides to take care of somebody else has decided that. You see this with parents all the time. People are like, well, I, I can't have my kids get hurt. I need them to do well in school, so I have to do their homework for them, blah, blah. And all you're doing is enabling it. But when you decide to take that on and you decide to take their outcomes on for yourself, you are enabling them enough that they stop doing those things.

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Brian Kavicky [00:12:30]:

So what happens is because they stop doing it, you start to resent them because they're not putting forth any effort. But you were the cause for all of those things. So why would your kid do their own homework if you're going to do it for them? Why would they empty the dishwasher if, when they never empty the dishwasher, you go ahead and unload it and then you go, I just take care of everybody else. You chose that path and you chose it because there was a little voice in your head that said, if I don't do this, people are going to see me as the fact of people are going to see that I don't have my life under control, blah, blah. And it's that devil's tongue that triggered it. And all of a sudden you just do the wrong response because you're responding to that.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:13:12]:

It seems to me in my own behavior, the reaction. I'm going to use the word trigger, but I'll clarify here. The reaction trigger, the reaction trigger is a lower hurdle to clear than a proactive trigger. So, for example, I could stand in my kitchen for four and a half solid hours and there would be somebody who walked in every minute who needed something from me. And I could just react to that for real from like 4 to 8:30pm and it's a fairly low energy hurdle for me to cross for the first few hours of just like, oh, you need a glass of water, no problem. Like, I'm just responding versus me saying, no, this is my priorities for the evening. I'm gonna go take 45 minutes on the peloton. And you're gonna figure like stopping the inertia of the evening, of the request, of reorganizing how we're like that takes more force mentally.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:14:06]:

Is that true or false?

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Brian Kavicky [00:14:08]:

It's actually false.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:14:09]:

False. Okay.

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Brian Kavicky [00:14:10]:

Very counterintuitive. I believe that proactive and reactive are the exact same behavior.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:14:16]:

So, okay, what? Say that again.

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Brian Kavicky [00:14:19]:

So think of a fire station, shots fired.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:14:22]:

Wait. I believe proactive and reactive behavior are the exact same thing.

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Brian Kavicky [00:14:26]:

Yeah.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:14:26]:

Okay. I don't know.

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Brian Kavicky [00:14:28]:

So think of a fire station. You would go, wow, those fire people, they have to be very reactive. Somebody's car is on fire, somebody's house, they got to go. The reason they can be reactive is because they've got their boots laid out, they've got their uniforms ready to go, they put a pole in to get down the stairs faster, blah, blah, blah. All of those are proactive behaviors. Allow to react. So in your own analogy, you say, I chose to be in the kitchen, which is your proactive behavior, which now allows you to react. But you're choosing the reaction in that case to say, look, I'm needed.

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Brian Kavicky [00:15:03]:

But I can say, I'm going to be in the kitchen and not do a thing. And when somebody says, can I have a glass of water? I could go, do you know where the glasses are? Do you know how to work the fridge? And they'll be like, yes. And I don't have to do anything, but I have to proactively decide how I'm showing up in the kitchen before that's happening. So people who claim to be reactive, all I say is just take those reactive things and turn them into proactive. Because you did that in order to be reactive. Like, I don't respond to emails except at the last minute. It's because you proactively decide to wait for the last minute. You have more control over your outcomes than you think.

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Brian Kavicky [00:15:43]:

Like, this whole thing of I'm so tired of taking care of everything proactively. You decided, I'm going to do this for everybody in order to feel needed and wanted and to get that need met. And now you're just resenting everyone because you made that choice. It's your fault.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:15:59]:

Love it. Number two.

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Brian Kavicky [00:16:03]:

I have a hard time enjoying the success and giving myself credit when things go well. So this comes from, I don't deserve. So I don't deserve credit. I don't deserve accolades. I don't deserve that. This typically is said by people who have a love language of verbal affirmations. They like credit. So in other words, people who say, this is hard for me are ones where that means a lot to them as well, which is why they shut it down.

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Brian Kavicky [00:16:33]:

But if you say, oh no, I deserve to have credit, I deserve to have accolades and I'm going to be the first one to give it myself, is actually starts from acknowledging your gains. So as human beings, when we set goals or objectives or we say, this is what I want for myself, when we fall short, we become self critical. Like, I didn't do enough, I missed my goal, blah blah blah blah. Instead of going, look at all the progress I've made. I never would have gotten this far unless I set that goal. And they worry about it. So what happens is they go, well, because I'm falling short in my own head. Always starts with I'm falling short in my own head.

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Brian Kavicky [00:17:11]:

Or this sense of perfectionism, what they do is they start looking at at it from everybody else. And when they don't get it from everybody else because none of us is running around the world going, how do I give other people credit? Then they go, well, if nobody else is giving me credit, I don't deserve to give credit for myself. And we're back in this vicious cycle. So the fix is give yourself credit, stop looking to other people to do it and say things like, I did that I'm proud of myself, I did an amazing job, I deserve to reward myself because I did something that I've never done before. And then you're not worried about anybody else and you're giving yourself credit. This I have a hard time isn't real. You don't have a hard time, you just don't think you deserve to give yourself credit.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:17:55]:

Two things that came up in my brain as I was thinking about this was this idea of if I don't see myself as successful, I don't give myself credit for being successful. But I can. Other people. I don't know if I know how to say this very well, but if I can see it in other people and it's like they must be special because they accomplish success, but I don't see that specialness in myself and so I don't have to have the pressure to be successful, does that make sense or not at all?

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Brian Kavicky [00:18:24]:

Yeah, but that's devil's tongue number two is I'm not good enough or there's some defect in me or that actually starts from. And what that always originates from is I'm playing a comparison game where I'm only looking at the thing I want to look at, which is their success. You don't know what's going on in their lives with their marriage. You don't know their relationship with the kids, you don't know what their financial situation. You don't know all this other stuff. You're measuring on one thing alone and you're going, yep, I'm not there because I'm defective. When really you might have it more put together than they have and they might actually go, I wish I were you, but we never look that way. Or self fulfilling the negative thought.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:19:07]:

So true.

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Brian Kavicky [00:19:08]:

Okay, number three, I want something different, but I don't know where to start. It's not actually a true statement. It's. It starts from a place of I don't deserve. And when you feel like you don't deserve, you start to not dream or wish or want at all. It is okay to want. You have the right to want stuff. You can want to take a vacation 12 times a year, you can want to have fancy cars.

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Brian Kavicky [00:19:34]:

You go, you don't have to get all those things, but you can say, I want that. Nobody can take that and be critical. So this person is basically going, I don't know if it's okay for me to want what I want. So I'm just going to shut it down and say, I don't know where to start. Because if I claim confusion, there's no action to that. So your point of I need to do something, this is actually a person who doesn't want to do something because they are worried that their want isn't appropriate or okay to have or that something says, well, I have to earn it or whatever. There's some other language in there. But if we just go, you know what? I want stuff, it's okay for me to want stuff.

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Brian Kavicky [00:20:16]:

I can pursue it. When I want to pursue it, I know how to pursue it. If I did, you actually start down the right path of accomplishing your wants.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:20:24]:

I see in this another dimension sometimes where all to speak to women because it's who I'm mostly I'm speaking to. But we're wanting something that I think I want, I perceive is going to create distance between me and people I love or people who I want to be loved by. And so if I go pursue this, I'm saying I don't know where to start. But I'm afraid that starting is going to disrupt the way that people have experienced me, disrupt the norms inside of my marriage, like just disrupt that. And that feels super risky because there's safety at least in the known entity. Even if it's not my ideal, at least I know what it is. Hey there, podcast listeners. It is no exaggeration to say that the work my companies and I have done with Brian and his team at Lushin have been absolutely game changing.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:21:18]:

I would not be where I am today without their experience and guidance. If you're struggling to grow your business, your profits, or grow your people, or maybe your business is growing, but it just isn't getting you personally to where you want to be, you have got to schedule time. Give Brian one hour of your life, and I promise that you will see the way forward a little bit more, more clearly. If you're interested in scheduling, there's a link in show notes. I promise it will help.

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Brian Kavicky [00:21:47]:

So now you've entered Devil's Tongue number one, which is, I'm not loved or likable, just the way that I am. So what you start to worry about is if I do this thing, it will cause me to not be loved or liked, which is the create distance phrase. Instead of going, I am loved, which means that person's going to want me to have what I want because they love me enough to make sure that I get my needs met and my wants met. Why would this create distance? And then we never make the attempt. So what happens is we never have the conversation to go, hey, I want to share with you what my wants are, and I'd also like to do that for you to make sure you're getting what you want so we can work on each other's wants as partners. But people don't even have the conversation because they're worried about the distance. But that started with the Devil's Tongue.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:22:36]:

That is wild, Brian, because when I go back four years ago to, like, my very first podcast episode, which is my fear journey, it's basically all around that thing of, like, of me becoming where I felt pulled to continue growing, was going to leave so many people behind, was what I was telling myself. But in reality, everybody around me elevated as I did, and this, like, whole idea of you starting to realize you can give each other your priorities, it's like a really powerful thing. Thing. So, anyways, I'm, like, having a wildly reflective moment right now.

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Brian Kavicky [00:23:12]:

But what you did in that case is you had the fear and you did it anyway. So you ended up ignoring that or figuring out, well, I'm going to do it anywhere. Here's how I get there. Here's what I have to do in order to make it happen. But you could have shut down and said, yeah, it's too risky.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:23:29]:

Yeah, I, like, thrashed through it like, it Was a thrashing. Totally a thrashing. I do think there's times where we use confusion as a way to let ourselves off the hook for action too.

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Brian Kavicky [00:23:43]:

Always. That's how you got your parents. So you're doing your homework and you get bored or you don't understand it or whatever it is and you just threw it back in your backpack and moved on with your evening. When your parents like, did you finish your homework? You went, no, I'm confused. Like, I got stuck on problem three. That means you're not doing anything to get problem three, right? You didn't ask your parents, you didn't ask for help, you didn't work harder. You just claimed you're confused. So the racket in order to do nothing is to complain.

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Brian Kavicky [00:24:12]:

I'm confused.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:24:14]:

So good. So irritatingly clear. Yeah. Okay, so I want to spend a couple minutes on this next couple of paragraphs. So had a listener email me. I mean it's like I don't know, maybe 12 sentences and I'm, I'm going to read it and Brian and I are going to double click into pieces of it because whether this is your exact verbs and nouns, no doubt we have all been in this same place of confusion. It's kind of a bridge from where we just came from with this confusion conversation. So here I go, I'm going to read it.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:24:47]:

We ran out of time and so I wanted to shoot you a quick question about applying this, some of what you talked about to my situation. Like many of these women, I'm in a very chaotic stage of growing our family while working a career in middle management. I identify with the fearful loyalist diagram. So if you're not familiar, fearful loyalist is somebody who most naturally prioritizes their family and themselves and their career is what they starve. So. And the three circles of a life event. Little side note there for me. Okay, thank.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:25:20]:

Back to it. I feel very reactive to my work that's in a unique role project management with a strong customer facing element but also wears hats that serve sales and strategic planning. I'm struggling to identify priorities with vague direction from my boss. I think what I'm struggling with is the right questions or wording of the question to ask my manager for help without it seeming like I don't have a handle on my tasks. I attended today's conversation in hopes to find a direction to help me get to a place where I can sleep at night without waking up at 2am Thinking about work and not being able to fall asleep. My job isn't that important. For me to do, but the perfectionist in my head wants to do everything well. I've always put my family and my own well being above my career, but feel like I could be doing my job better if I could take some steps forward towards a goal at work.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:26:09]:

Identifying where to start has always been my downfall, which could also be confusion when I'm overwhelmed and sometimes need a bit of a nudge in the right direction to get the momentum going. So she asked, hey, any words of wisdom? So when I read this, I was like, I mean, I could probably share some things, but I think Brian's just thoughtfulness towards this could maybe be more valuable. And I was like, I think we could all probably benefit. So what do you see in here, Brian?

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Brian Kavicky [00:26:34]:

So words always bear fruit in your behavior. So what you say tends to be how you're going to act. So there's words in here like, I feel very reactive. We've already talked about the differences in reactive and proactive not being there. But that clues on here's the problem. I think what I'm struggling with, I'm overwhelmed. This whole thing screams I'm confused and what that says. And there's actually a phrase is I'd like a nudge in the right direction.

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Brian Kavicky [00:27:06]:

The weird phenomenon about people who are confused is they always know what to do. When you're close to the problem, you always know the solution. You just don't do anything about it because you believe the solution is part of the risk. So in this case, she identifies, I'm at risk because I have to ask my boss for help with this thing that my boss should actually already be helping me with, but I don't know how to word it, I don't know how to do this, blah, blah, blah. But you probably do know how to word it. And here's the example. Have you ever asked someone for help and their response was, you're incompetent because you asked me for help. So the phrase here is, I think what I'm struggling with is the right question or wording to ask my own manager for help without seeming like I don't have a handle on my task.

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Brian Kavicky [00:27:55]:

That is not a person's response to I want help. It's of course I'll help you. Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't been clear. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So just asking the question, hey, I'm a little bit confused about my goals and my priorities. Where would you tell me to start? Because I don't know what to do and I'm feeling a Little lost the response. If you heard that, you'd be like, oh, let me help you with that. People want to help.

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Brian Kavicky [00:28:19]:

You want to help. We talked about people who feel like they're helping others all the time. Is we elect that even though it causes resentment. And so this person is dealing with a little resentment. And most managers are incompetent. Like she admits, I'm in middle management struggling with incompetency. So what makes you think that your manager also isn't a little incompetent and not done the job? So just ask.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:28:43]:

So how does somebody listening to this not feel defensive about you saying, most managers are incompetent? And you probably are a little bit too, because I feel defensive.

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Brian Kavicky [00:28:53]:

But are you competent in all areas? Do you have all the answers? Do you know exactly what you're going to do? Do you know, like, if somebody is like, hey, where are we going? Where's this heading? What should we be doing next? Isn't there a piece of you that just goes, I don't know. Yeah, figuring this out as I go, like, we're all figuring it out. Somebody gave me the phrase recently that said, as a parent, your kids get to watch you grow up, and it's like, oh, when you have your first kid, you're an incompetent parent, but you figure it out. We are all at some level of incompetency. And so the more that we admit, I don't know what to do, or I don't know how to do things or just not do anything about it instead of going, hey, I don't know what to do, the more we stay stuck. That's why you stay up late, is you're staying stuck on purpose.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:29:42]:

So the on purpose part is why? So because you're staying stuck on purpose. What does that mean?

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Brian Kavicky [00:29:47]:

Actually, there's emotional risk here. So if we go back to the devil's tongue, I'm not loved or likable just the way that I am. Why would my manager help me with something? They are viewing me through the professional lens, not the personal lens. So they probably don't care. I am defective in some way. I'm not good enough. I don't have education. I don't have the answers also fed into this of it's wrong for me to ask for help because I'm defective.

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Brian Kavicky [00:30:14]:

I don't have the experience. I should know. And instead of going, I don't know, which puts emotional risk, it's. Yeah, it's wrong for me to not know and I don't deserve I don't deserve help. I don't deserve assistance. I don't deserve people telling me how to get out of confusion. This person is actually listening to all three of those negative talk. Instead of going, you know what? I'm just going to take the emotional risk and say, this is hard for me to do, boss, but I feel really vulnerable in this moment.

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Brian Kavicky [00:30:42]:

But I don't know what my priorities are. I don't know what I should be doing. Can you help me with that? And to see, oh, when I actually show up vulnerable and ask for help, I will get help because I deserve help. They probably like me and they don't see me as effective, so I don't need to worry about that.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:30:57]:

I think another helpful question sometimes to managers this is just like very tactical is can you help me understand what good looks like? Sometimes just reframing the questions of like, what's my job description? Or what am I like? It's just like, I don't know. It's like, I don't know. But what does good look like? Is oftentimes a mix of qualitative and quantitative, which is more encapsulating of actually what your like manager boss might want. So anyway.

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Brian Kavicky [00:31:26]:

But there's a phrase in here that sort of is the tell. I'm struggling to identify priorities with vague direction from my own boss. Good leaders and good managers are always people that say, hey, I'm going to take responsibility and take some form fault first. But it also is not always your fault. The reason that this person is in the jam is because they got vague direction. So going to someone and saying, I need some clarity from you because I feel a little bit, it just wakes somebody up to go, oh, I need to be clearer. And it's not being critical of someone, it's just asking for help. And the help takes away the pressure.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:32:05]:

And with never getting the feedback that they're not clear, they'll never get clear. That has been a professional struggle of mine my entire life. People need a decoder ring to be able to work beside me.

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Brian Kavicky [00:32:15]:

Yes.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:32:16]:

And it's frustrating for everybody, but I have gotten better at it because people are kind enough to tell me that I'm not being clear. So she also, I think, needs to hear that. It could be a gift to your boss, actually that you're getting giving this clarity back.

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Brian Kavicky [00:32:30]:

Exactly.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:32:31]:

Well, any parting advice, Brian? If people are like, all right, how do I today give less power to the devil's tongue?

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Brian Kavicky [00:32:39]:

So anytime you have negative self talk, it's always going to map back to one of those three things. I'm not loved or likable the way that I am. You know, I'm not good enough. I don't have enough education. There's some defect or missing piece. Another way is I'm not old enough. I hear that from younger people. Like, I just not old enough.

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Brian Kavicky [00:32:57]:

They don't see me that way. And then I don't deserve. Anytime you hear negative talk, work hard to map it to one of those three things because you'll always be able to map it to those things and then go, that's not real. So given it's not real, what would I do if that wasn't true? And then take that action. And that action is almost always going to be the correct, the most productive, the healthiest reaction because I'm not listening or starting from that negative talk point.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:33:29]:

Incredible, ladies. Your belief that you are enough, that life has good things ahead for you, that there's abundance on this planet to be able to give you everything your heart is dreaming of. It starts with you believing it first. So I'm here to cheer for you. I'm here cheering you on. I want great things for you. I want great things for me. And I believe you're amazing.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:33:49]:

And I believe that about me too, actually. So peace out, everybody. Thanks for listening today.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:33:55]:

Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:34:05]:

I will.