3 Strategies I’m trying with my kids that are working

[00:00:00] Tiffany Sauder: I recently read this quick article and it said, imagine if from the moment you woke up in the morning, somebody told you Um, , everything that you did, you ate, you wore where you went. And then if you decided anywhere along the way that you wanted something else that you got in trouble for it.

And I was like, I think there's times like my kids have to live in that kind of a structured space. in ways and the way that our house and like, there's just a lot going on, that is a lot for them. They just need some space to have some freedom and some choice and a place where they're Perspective is heard.

Hey, it's Tiffany. And this is scared confident where every week we do the hard week to claim our life of and, so this week I want to talk about, kind of my own, I would say reflections and internalization of an episode that we had on a couple of months ago with Michelle Gams. She's a parenting coach and.

It's just been one of those episodes where what we talked about has stuck so deep into my brain that I'm continuing to like practice and use what she taught me. And so I thought I would jump on and just share three ways that I've been testing this and it's like really working actually. And not that I'm surprised, clearly she's an expert at this.

I've said before, I just think that like this season in our life is requiring a deeper set of parenting tools than I had. And, I just feel like it's really working. So I'm going to share three different examples, some with my big kids, some with my little kids. so Michelle talks about the difference between a consequence and a punishment.

That's what it is. She talks about the difference between a consequence and a punishment. So a consequence is like related. It's respectful. And it's like the kid understands it where punishments feel very random to them. So a punishment is like, you get bad grades, I'm taking your phone away. it's just like unrelated to what's happening and what's going on.

That was like such a pattern interrupt for me. Cause I would say I am historically been a punisher and I've used like intimidation and, Some things like that to get my kids attention. And it's just not been working with Quincy. And as my teenagers get older, I get that that doesn't work as well. And I was feeling that intuitively, but not totally know how to activate around it.

So, here's three ways that I've started using this. The first one was, if you miss the bus, I'm not mad at you anymore. You just owe me an hour. You owe me an hour of your time. The fact that you missed the bus means that I did not get something done. And that amount of time that it takes for me to get you loaded up in the car, maybe your little sisters drive you to the school, get back, get reoriented to whatever I needed to do, or reschedule something like all of that just takes capacity.

So instead of it, like. Ruining my relationship with my girls for the day, I just have told them, Hey, I just need you to know if you miss the bus, okay, if it becomes a pattern, maybe I'll have to pick something different, but you just owe me an hour. This is the way that this is going to work. And you know what?

It has totally worked. Hey, they don't miss the bus that often, but it is really annoying to me when they do. And I have learned that. I mean, we're just a bus family. My morning is programmed from the minute they leave the house. And so if something has to change, I have to rework something and that takes capacity and that makes me mad.

And I want them to respect the way that we've architected the week. And we all have to like operate inside of that. So. Anyways, if you miss the bus, you give me an hour. That's the first one. related. It's respectful. They have control over it happening or not happening. You know, it's like, it's not going to just come down on them.

They get to decide if they want to get up early. The first time their alarm goes off, all that kind of stuff. I don't know that this is punishment. Consequence related, but for some reason talking to Michelle unlocked this in my mind and I think it was about giving control back to the kid. Cause we all hate being told no, we all hate being, I don't know, managed all day long.

I recently read this like little quick article and it said, imagine if from the moment you woke up in the morning, somebody told you what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what time, where you could sit, what toys to play with, like directed. Um, everything that you did, you ate, you wore where you went. And then if you decided anywhere along the way that you wanted something else or that you had a different opinion or that that didn't like jive with how you were feeling, that you got in trouble for it.

And I was like, I think there's times like my kids have to live in that kind of a structured space. in ways and the way that our house and like, there's just a lot going on, that is a lot for them. They just need some space to have some freedom and some choice and a place where they're Perspective is heard.

So my third one, Ivy, is the easiest one for me to not give my attention to. I don't like that about myself, but it is just true. My older two usually need like driven somewhere. So it's like, Hey, I got to leave to go take so and so to practice. I've got to get in the car to go do this thing. Like I can't ignore their requests with without there being a lot of consequence, like they're at the school all night long, you know what I mean?

And then my little one, Quincy. She gets my attention because she just badgers me to death. She'll like, cling onto my leg. She'll keep asking me. She's like, mommy, mama. And she's like very verbal about what she needs from me. And so it's easy for me to like, give her what she wants. Can you get me a drink?

Will you sit beside me? Will you turn on a show? Will you do blocks with me? Will you do puzzles? Will you play memory? Like, her requests are very clear and they're very persistent. And so it's. easier for me to fulfill those requests. Ivy, on the other hand, is asking me for things like, will you sit down and watch a YouTube video with me so that we can learn to draw something together?

Or, hey mom, I'm reminding you for the 33rd time that the light bulb is out in the closet in the basement. where all of my dress up clothes are. And I like to do make believe stuff and I'm like, okay, honey, thanks for telling me like, let's do that later. And I'm constantly just telling her later.

And she is bombarding me with this like never ending list of what feels like requests for my time. And she's eight. So she doesn't have awareness of the context of like, I have a lot going on. I've got to leave in 20 minutes. Your big sisters need to eat. I've got to get, the dishwasher unloaded.

So there's all these tasks. And so I'm just like, Honey, let's do that later. And I felt like crap that I knew when I was going to bed at night, that sometimes I just had told her we'll do that later, honey. And I like did none of it. Or I got to one of the things I said that we were going to do. And I was just like, I don't like the way I'm showing up for her.

And I don't like that. I'm teaching her that I'm not reliable. I don't like that. So I came up with an idea and that is, When we're going through the evening, I told Ivy, when she tells me something that she'd like to do, I direct her and say, go get a piece of paper and let's make a list of all the things that come to your mind that you want to do.

It could be, I want to do my spelling words. I need to work on my project for next week. I'm the student of the week. It could be, I want to go through my clothes and make and find my summer shorts. It could be, I want to change the. light bulb, whatever it is. And when I told her is I will give you 20 minutes you'll get to pick which ones are the highest priority for you.

And we will keep going through that list and asking that question. What is your next highest priority until the time expires? And, and that is how we'll manage. Your to do list or her requests of my time. So I, that like maybe a psychopath solve as I talk about it out loud, but it feels very good because what I'm doing is I'm allowing her to capture the stuff that is in her head.

These ideas, these things I see, the stuff I want, what are like, you know, the things that she wants done and the things she wants my help with. And so I'm asking her, can you put those on a list so that I can see and remember them? And then we'll prioritize together. Cause a lot of times I would pick the thing that was like easiest to me or closest in proximity.

Like maybe all the kids are in the. TV room. And so the living room. And so I'm going to do something close. I don't know. Like I would pick proximity instead of saying like, what's the highest priority for you? So I don't know. Maybe try that with your kid that's in the like seven to 10 age. Cause they can write, they know what they want, but they do need your assistance with stuff to get it done.

So anyway, that's been kind of helpful for us. the last thing that I that I think it was in this vein of just thinking about how do you make sure your kid still feels respected when they're in trouble and still feels like they have some semblance of control because my youngest in particular is just a monster when it comes to control.

She wants control really badly and I am a high control mom. And so we do each other. I work through. My tendency to be a high control mom. I really want my kids to make decisions and I have to like say, no, I'm not going to make that decision for you, but I would love to. And I know what I would do and I know what I want you to do, but I'm going to right now stop myself from doing that.

But Quincy loves control. And so sometimes she needs like a timeout situation where it's like, Hey, you're being really crappy to everybody in the room. You're being unreasonable in your requests. You are. Just throwing a fit about something that's unnecessary. And so I used to put her in timeout for like as many minutes as she was old.

So she's three. So I put her in timeout for three minutes and then I would come back and I would ask her, Hey, can you say sorry? Can you get yourself together? And sometimes she would be like, no, I can't. I'm like, okay, that's no problem. We're going to do it for three more minutes. And then we, I would just keep doing it for three minutes until I went and asked her, are you ready to say sorry?

And at some point she would say yes. And I was like, I don't actually care about the three minutes part. And so what I've done now is I've told her, Hey, you need to go sit over here or you can pick somewhere in this room. I don't even need to dictate the exact spot, but you need to stay there until you can come over and tell me that you're ready to apologize that you're ready to clean up.

Like, I asked or whatever the thing is, and. I don't care if it's 15 seconds or an hour and 15 minutes. really what I want is her attitude to change. And what I've learned is that when I give her control over when that happens, it goes much better versus me deciding it needs to take three minutes, or some multiplier of three minutes, you know, so it's working so well.

she'll come over or I can tell her disposition has changed and she's like trying to make eye contact with me. She doesn't always like haul over to me and be like, Hey mom, I'm happy now. Sometimes she does that, but I'll be like, Hey honey, are you ready to say sorry? And she'll be like, yes I am.

And so then we'll go over and do the thing. And I found giving her that control has like totally. Transform that experience. And I think it is just as productive and it doesn't have the tension of me putting her in a seat, setting the timer. There was kind of this like big ceremony around it that I had created that I don't know that was actually that productive for the way that she's wired as a kid.

So, okay. These are my three hacks. You know, we're all just doing the best we can with these kids, honestly. I tell my kids, I just want you to know, I hope, you know, I'm trying so hard to be my best possible mom for you. And sometimes we're going to fail them and we're going to need their forgiveness.

but I always think it's helpful to hear other people's hacks. So this is what I'm doing and this is what we're trying. This is some stuff that's working in our home and, I am offering them up. If you did not listen to Michelle's episode, we'll link to it in the, Um, show notes because it's a really good one.

Even if you did, you might want to go listen to it. So good. A lot of juice in there. Thanks so much for listening to this episode. We did the thing and I want to encourage you to go get your week. Go be your best self. Come on. This is not a practice, round . This is your actual life. Go get it.

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