3 Years of Living Scared Confident

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:00]: I'm recording this on a Wednesday, and somehow it feels like the following Tuesday or something like that. Already. It has been a week jam packed for our family, which is pretty normal, but there's just been a lot of cool things going on. My oldest, Aubrey, our oldest, she had a choir concert last night, and she got a solo. I mean, there's, like, 80 kids to something like that, 80 girls in her choir, and there was only one solo, and she got it. I was just, like, so wildly proud of her. Yes, because it's my kid and I'm a mom, and my heart is beaming, but also just to see the confidence that she had to know that here's the note.

When I need to leave the risers and I need to go to the microphone, and I need to not miss the moment to have my voice be heard. And I feel like that is such a parallel to life. And what I want my girls to learn is being willing to step into the moment and being willing to have your voice heard. I was just like, yes, it was amazing to hear her sing, and, yes, it was amazing to see her have that moment. But I think the bigger picture of just the confidence and the sense of. I think those little moments give you a sense of understanding about yourself, that I have unique abilities, and it is okay for me to do those in a way that stand out from the crowd. So, anyway, it was a special night for our family, and it was a special night for her. Her temperament is more like low key slays every day.

She does not make a big deal about herself. I feel like if we wouldn't have asked persistently, she may have forgotten to tell us that she had the solo that night. And so it's just, like, really sweet to see her step into think, you know, it can be a lot. So, anyways. Okay, Tiffany, keep going. So the episode today, I want to talk about, like, happy birthday,  Scared Confident. Not talk about it. I want to celebrate, happy birthday, Scared Confident.

I feel like I'm good at celebrating other people, but I'm not always good at stopping and capturing the moment in the journey, and so I want to do that today. I cannot even believe we're starting the fourth year of the show, which is, like, crazy. And if you've just started tuning in, I want to do a little walk down memory lane of how this whole thing started, why I started it, and talk about how it's evolved and why it's evolved. And I think you'll learn from this. I want to share it as, how do you have the courage to start not just about the history of the podcast, because you don't really care about that, but I think it's maybe a little bit interesting. So it started with my fear interview. If you haven't gone back and listened to the very first episode on the feed, I would encourage you to. I literally sat down with a family psychologist, his name is Nathaniel McGuire, and he walked me through a fear interview.

And it is literally where you take on the voice of your fear and you speak to yourself in the third person. So like I'm saying out loud through my mouth, through my face, what fear said in my mind all day long. And it's incredibly powerful experience to actually have to physically hear what you allow your mind to say to yourself every single day. So that was my first episode. Like, I launched with a vulnerability bomb, and I asked myself, why did I do that? Nobody on the Internet was waiting to hear from me. As it relates to that, I think I knew two things. I've always felt a calling on my life to share my story, and I think I have grown to understand that's less about me and my story, and it's more about my ability to be able to synthesize and communicate and see in the everyday some really special things. I think I've partially worked on that professionally, and I think partially it is literally just a gift from God.

It's like what was packed in me when I was made, literally. I think that's what it is. So I've always felt a call in my life to communicate and to share my story, but I was really struggling with all of the, this little dream was wrapped around this massive bubble of fear that was saying all kinds of destructive things to quiet me, to take me away from what I think ultimately is my gifting, my calling, the way that my life can help others. And so as I went through that fear interview, I confronted some of that stuff really, really head on. And then I went and spoke to all the people that fear was telling me were not going to support me, that were going to leave me if I stepped into this dream of figuring out, what do I say, if I say I want to tell my story? And so I went and talked to my husband, and I said, look, you're a really private guy. I am not so private. How do I know that this is not going to tear us apart, but this is going to bring us together? I went and talked to my friends and I said, I'm so afraid that you're going to secretly make fun of me behind my back and what has become such an important part of my life, these friendships, this support, these people who, you know, are cheering for you. It's like if I lose that, I can't feel that alone.

And I talked to some business people that I really respect, and I felt like if I step out and say that I know things, these people who are so bright are going to think I'm a fraud. I just confronted it, and I was like, well, it's either fact or it's fiction. And fear has so much control when you allow it to be quiet, when you allow it to be inside of you, when you don't free it into the world so that you can discern, your intellectual mind can discern, is this fact or is this fiction? And so that was like, such an insanely, I don't know, aggressive way to start a podcast, which I guess is probably quite descriptive of me as a human being. I don't know, like, just start hot. But that was how we started, and I didn't really know where it was going to go. I just knew I had to first Chase away fear. And I think I did it through the podcast by committing to an episode. I don't know if it was every week or every other week at that point as accountability, because I knew it was going to be hard.

I knew I would be publicly embarrassed, like, just in my own, if I didn't deliver on the production schedule. Like, I'm very externally motivated in that way. I'm very achievement oriented in that way. And just doing it for myself. Just waking up 30 minutes earlier and journaling those would probably have gotten to the same outcome. But I know myself, and I don't have the discipline to do that. And I'm so motivated by being not embarrassing myself that I was like, well, I committed to a podcast. Well, I guess I'm going to jump on the microphone, and I don't really know how to communicate if I'm not being connected to what's really in my heart.

I don't really know how to communicate if I don't know what's going on. Like, if I'm not really connected to what's in my heart and what's in my head. So that was kind of how we launched this baby. My first goal for the first year was that I wanted to, like doing it because I knew I wouldn't keep doing it if I hated it. I wanted to be able to start charging for my public speaking because my opportunity cost of my time was getting more significant, and I wanted it to start to become a revenue generating activity. And the third was, I wanted to help somebody I didn't know, like somebody who was not inside of my field of contacts and networks. I wanted somebody who I had no idea who they were to reach out and say, holy cow, this was helpful. That would give me kind of a sign that what I was sharing was not just relevant to the people who loved me, but it was also connecting and translating to people who didn't love me, who don't know me.

So that was kind of like how we crossed the chasm of, how do I decide if I'm going to keep doing this or not? So I'm going to stop and kind of say, like, well, what's the parallel in your life of this whole story? Well, if you have something you want to do, actually, well, I'll talk about that in a minute. I wrote a note down, but I'll skip that. If you have something you want to do, the best way to learn if you like it or not is to start. Just start. I have not gone back and listened to all of my first year of podcasts because I'm sure some of them would be super cringey to me, and I just knew I had to be bad at it before I was going to be good at it. And that's going to be the case for you, too. You're going to be bad at it before you're going to be good at it. And we stop having humility to be a learner.

We stop having the humility to say, I'm going to look kind of stupid. Some people are not totally going to understand what I'm doing, and I'm not even sure I can totally explain what I'm doing yet. I just know intuitively I want to try this. And expanding the way people expect you to show up is also kind of socially weird. I was at Aubrey's, my daughter's concert last night, and some people in the community follow me on Instagram and have started to see that I'm, like, flooding the Internet with all kinds of things. And they were so kind and like, oh, my word, I'm seeing your stuff and it's fun to see it. And for a minute, I wanted to apologize for myself and be like, oh, my word. But I was like, no, I feel called to do this.

And I was like, hey, thanks so much for your feedback. Thanks for engaging and let me know what you like so that I know what to do more of. And so instead of taking away making myself smaller, I was like, no, I am stepping into this new space of being a creator. And there's a discomfort, I think, in showing up in a familiar place with kind of a new hat on. And it was very hard for me at the beginning to say, yeah, and I have a podcast. It felt like. It felt like this, like cotton ball coming out of my mouth. So if you're feeling like, man, I have curiosity about a different area of my life.

I have something I've always wanted to try. I have a hobby I'd like to pick up. I have a business I'd like to launch. This idea of becoming a beginner. What my experience has been over the last three years is it becomes more familiar and you become more comfortable in not knowing, in not being the expert and entrusting yourself to learn like you did when you were a kid, like when you were in college, like when you were trying to figure out what you wanted to do with your life. And I find it has just woke up my brain. And the way I see and engage with the world in a totally new way, I think that's why I love starting stuff is because it's like you have to pay attention so much. So, anyway, a little bit about the background of  Scared Confident, but I also want to encourage you have the courage to be a beginner.

And if I would have gotten to the end of year one and been like, well, these three things didn't happen, or I just hate it, or a priority in my life had changed, quitting, stopping it does not make it a failure. I successfully tried it, so I had no idea I was going to get to the start of year four. I had no idea where this was totally going to go, but I had the courage to start, and I have work to be present for the creative process as we've kind of gone and put this together. So, anyway, your takeaway is have the courage to start something. Don't stick in this world of I'm afraid to start. Okay, one more little thing about the beginning, and then we'll go into. I have four things I wrote down that I've learned from the last four years. Well, three years.

We're starting year four. You know what I mean? Okay. So also in Tiffany launch's grenades kind of way of being, as I started the podcast, I had a launch party. And I did that for two reasons, probably three if I'm being totally honest with myself and with you. One reason was we were coming out of COVID and people were dying to be together, and nobody loves a party more than me. Over here. Love a fun party. So I was like, hey, this is a great.

People are dying to get out. It was end of the first quarter of, end of the first quarter of 2021. So that was one people are dying to get out. The second one was, I think I imagined I might get like 8000 listeners from this little party. That's not how it works. But I think it was a little bit of like a marketing way to get people's attention to what I was doing. And the third was, I invited my friends, I invited my network, I invited my family, I invited people I love and have been part of my life for a very long time. And I have photographs from that picture of these people that have been a massive part of my life, a massive part of the fabric of who I am.

They have been teachers and mentors and people who have forgiven me and cheered me on and loved me when I've been hard to love. And I have that picture forever to remember that no matter how discouraged I am in my own abilities, no matter how loud fear gets in my mind, I know for sure I can show that picture to fear and say, no, you are not going to determine who I become. You are not going to determine the decisions. You are not going to determine fear the way that I believe others love me. This photograph is proof positive that I sent out a random date and these 100 people showed up, not because they cared about the podcast, not because they were listeners and the content was any good. They showed up because they love me. And that is such a powerful truth to live underneath. And so I don't know how you go about doing that for you, but when you have certainty that there is a tribe behind you that loves you, in spite of anything you've achieved, in spite of anything you are or are not online, in spite of anything in your life, they just love you for you.

I have found that to be the largest antidote to fear. It has very little control over me, and I don't think it's because I'm better at navigating it. I think it's because I believe more honestly that people really love me. And when you feel that way, you feel free to go test and try and become and experiment and fail and live in a way for me, that is like very out loud and center stage. And I have felt so freed by that. So I guess this is also somewhat of a love letter to the people that love me. Your persistence in my life is a gift, and it gives me a lot of wings and courage to love and serve people so. Okay, I'll get off the zappy part.

I feel like I'm a little teary. Okay, we're going to move on. So do a launch party, throw a party. I'll help you plan it. I'm great at picking the food, and I have Sam with me, is amazing at all the flowers and making it beautiful. And so we'll help you. Another business will start someday. Is like love parties.

How fun would that be? Have like a little kit. Help people find the people that. Anyways. Okay, moving on. Four things I've learned from the last three years as we enter the fourth year. The first one is that creating unlocks committing to creating content. You think like, oh, I need to know what I'm going to say before I write a book, before I start a podcast. Before.

No. The forcing function of having to export starts to make you a creator. It is wild. It has unlocked an awareness to my life. It has helped me be, I think, a student of my own choices and the people around me. So creating is an unlock. That's number one. It's a surprise to me.

I know I'm not the first person to say it, there's probably whole books written on this, but it's absolutely been an unlock to my understanding about myself, about my life. And I think this sense of consciousness that comes with needing to say words, like committing to saying, I'm going to say words every single week, I wonder what I'm going to say. And you know me, I don't have like a big production plan. Struggle with that struggle. If somebody's good at it and you're like a spontaneous creator, which is probably just means I'm an amateur creator, I'm open to that outcome. Please help me. Sam would be so appreciative. Okay, number two is competency follows courage.

This is like, probably a first cousin to the thing I just said, but competency follows, like, courage and the discipline to do it. So we just created this course and this podcast, all these things, and it's like, am I good at them? No, I am not. Have I done it before? No, I have not. I have no idea. No idea what I'm doing. We have had awesome people come alongside us and help us who have done it before, but I don't have any competency at it yet. But what I found creates competency is the courage to start. And when you commit to it, when you commit to say, like, I'm going to create a course.

Okay, how do I create a course? I don't know. Well, let's go find people who do courses. Okay, well, what do they say about it? Where do we start? Who do we need? What does it look like? How do you do the outline? And then you start making it, and you fumble through the awkward beginning on your way to competency. And so I guess first it's maybe the courage to start, the commitment to do it, and then competency follows. And I think this, again, kind of goes back. I guess what I said at the beginning, like, this discomfort is so disorienting. Oh, my word. It is so disorienting.

You're like, last I checked, I was a grown up who knew how to do things. Why am I struggling? Why am I getting up from my computer for the 400th time today? Why have I eaten my 8th bag of Cheetos? Like, what is happening? Why am I distracting myself? Why are all these things falling apart? And it's like, getting through that for me, it feels like my lungs are collapsing. Like, this is hard. I don't want to. I want to run. You got to push through that. That's how it feels to me. And competency is on the other side, so you have to have the courage to start.

You have to have the commitment to it. And again, I think I push, like, hey, course coming soon, or I'm going to start a podcast. I think those are the ways I trick myself into commitment, because I can be a little bit, like, a little bit. I can have, like 1000 ideas a minute. And so when I just talk about them, I don't have to do anything. But when I commit, when I put a flag in the sand, when I say on the Internet I'm going to do something, I don't want to look stupid. And so I follow through, and then that is how I get to competency. So I would say we're on the early innings of competency on all this, but, man, we have certainly tried very hard.

Okay, that's the second one. Competency follows courage. Okay. My third one is, I am my best. When I'm running at my fear statement, I don't remember. Sorry if I'm repeating myself at the beginning of the show, but one of the outcomes of the fear interview that I did, so again, where I'm speaking in the third person to myself from the vantage point of the voice of fear. And we will link that episode in show notes. If you're like, I want to go listen, we can go click.

We'll link that. At the end of that, Nathaniel walked me through a process of capturing a fear statement, a statement that you say back to fear when it is starting to run this talk track through your head. And for me, mine was like, who are you? If you become successful, you're going to be alone. What are people going to say about you? You don't have any right to even think. You have something to share. You're not that important. Just over and over and over again, your husband's going to be mad like this stuff. You're going to be alone.

You're going to become a monster. You're going to become a shell of yourself, he would say to me. And so as Nathaniel helped me better see my real heart, my real motivation, my real self, he walked me through creating a fear statement. And my fear statement is, I am for others. And that is the most desperate cry of my heart. I love helping other people be successful. I love opening up doors for people, connecting them to people, helping them on new places in their career, starting businesses so that they have opportunities for their families. I love that I will take on so much risk and so much pain to help other people.

It is like my joy and my delight. And so what fear wants me to do is fear wants me to focus on myself. Because when I'm focused on myself, I'm insecure. When I'm focused on myself as the customer of my own talents, I am not motivated. What I'm motivated by is the outside world. And so my fear statement is, I am for others. And so when fear comes and says to me, who are you? I say to myself, well, if I am for others, what am I going to do? I'm going to as authentically and vulnerably and with the most amount of preparedness and energy and care and love and intention as I can. I'm going to share my message and whether they choose to receive it, whether they like it, whether they boot me off the stage, all of that is irrelevant.

If I authentically showed up in my gifts to serve them, their response is not my responsibility. But when I'm focused on myself, I think, what are they going to think? What are they going to say? What are people going to write on social media afterwards? Will they like me? Will the reviews be good? Will the people who are putting on the event recommend me to other people? Those are all thoughts that are focused on me. Who cares? I can't control those things. What I can control is being for being desperately available and prepared and thoughtful for other people. So my fear statement is, I am for others. So what I find my third one is I am at my best when I am living in my fear statement, which again is such a gift of this process, to have that asset in my toolbox as I navigate a lot of unknowns trying to figure out this whole world of stuff, it's like, I mean, who cares? I want to be great, we want to be good, we want to figure this out. But ultimately other people's response is not my responsibility. I can only be prepared for how I serve them.

So, okay, that's the third one. And the last one is, I would say, a little bit connected to the vision and the courage to actually believe that this show and this course we've worked on and these tools that they are actually going to change the lives of a lot of people. I just really believe that. And my vision is to be the premier resource for two career families changing their worlds from chaos to love, from chaos to peace, from chaos to connectedness, that we own the most ordinary parts of our life with such authority and clarity that we have room for adventure and intimacy and love and new ideas and time to care for others. That is the life we want to unlock. And I have found that in this journey over the last few years of redesigning our lives and I just feel compelled to share it. So I have that vision. So the fourth one is that I've learned is that becoming what I believe, that this becoming what I believe it can be, it won't change me.

I just believe that. And I used to run from the idea that something could be really successful. Again, this is fear saying, well, who will you become, what will people say that's going to go to your head? That is so me focused, who cares when I am focused and I'm so motivated by how do I help as many people as possible. And I know a lot of people say that and I believe it when they mean it. And I think when you find your thing that you know is your gift to the world, those words take on a completely different meaning. Okay, happy birthday  Scared Confident. You have been a gift to me that I didn't understand when I started this. I think that you Scared Confident, this podcast have been a teacher to me and the people who I've had a chance to meet.

The messages that I have had a chance to read makes me know that there are others who are as passionate about creating a life of and that is worth living. And I feel grateful to kind of be patient one on this journey until I feel like I'm not supposed to do this anymore. We'll commit to continuing to pour my energy, my talents, my creativity, my partners, like sam them into being as good as we can be for all of you who listen. So thank you for listening. Thank you for being part of this journey. Thank you for walking this with us for three years. And we are so excited for what year four brings. Thank you.

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