4 Unpopular decisions we made to build our two-career home

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:01]:

Welcome to Scared Confident. I'm your host, Tiffany Sauder. The thing you already know, but I'm going to remind you of is that you do not get an uncommon outcome in life without an uncommon effort. It's just not possible. You do not get to an uncommon outcome without doing uncommon things, making uncommon choices. At some point, you have to decide to, like, break apart from the pack and do your own thing and play your own game. And so today I'm going to talk about four. And I wrote down unpopular, maybe it's, like, uncommon decisions that I've made to build my life of.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:36]:

And I turned 44 this year. And, like, I think closer to living. What I would say is, like, my perfect definition of a life of. And then I really ever dared to dream was possible. I remember seasons in life where it just, like, life just felt so heavy. I just felt like things were so hard there felt like there was so much friction in my relationship with junior. It felt like there was friction between work and family and, like, mom and the way that I wanted to play that role. I feel like there was friction in the business and, like, the role that I was playing, and I wasn't equipped to do it well.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:11]:

I wasn't always in the right role inside of the organization. I wasn't always clear, I think, in how to deploy my gifts inside of the things that I was a part of. And I think that's a natural course of, like, discovery and learning yourself and where to say, yeah, put me in. That is something that I'm amazing at. And when to be, like, I mean, solidly should step aside. This is not something that I should be doing with my time and talent right now. I think that's part of a natural part of maturation. But here I am.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:40]:

I don't know. I want to say midlife is still a decade plus away from me, but, like, here I am in kind of this prime season of life, and I feel like I'm getting really close to living my ideal life of and. And I think it's important to teach you, like, how do I do today? What are the choices that we make? Not choices, like, the tools that we use and all those kinds of things. But there are also decisions that junior and I made in our twenties and in our thirties that set us up for the life that we get to choose today. So I pulled out four of those unpopular choices or uncommon, maybe decisions that I made to build this life of and. And I'm, like, a little bit nervous that if you're in your forties and it's like, well, some of these choices, like I said, I'll go through them in a minute. But it's okay if you're not in a place where all these decisions can be made for you. The point I want you to take from this episode is not that my choices are the right choices for you.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:33]:

You get to pick your own life. That is, like, the amazing part of this thing. There's a lot of ways to do a perfect life of and. Or your perfect life of and. But what I want you to have the courage to do is to remember that it does take uncommon choices to get to uncommon outcomes. And no matter where you decide to make those in your life, those uncommon choices, I want my choices to give you courage that doing something different does, in fact, lead to a different outcome, not always in exactly the same timeframe that you want it to be in. It doesn't always happen exactly the way that you drew it up on paper. But at some point, it takes breaking from the pack, trying some things that are right for you to be able to get to your definition, your outcomes, your life of and that you were, like, so excited to wake up to every day.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:15]:

So, okay, we're going to go through four things. The first one was to work while my kids were young. Uncommon choice. Number one was to work when my kids are young. It seems to me, maybe I'll just say I felt like when I was in my, you know, twenties, figuring out, when are we going to have kids? Am I going to work full time? Am I not going to have work full time? There was kind of this prevailing choice, it seemed like was more common, was that women were saying, I'm going to stay home while my kids are young, and then when they get to school or when they get to the place where they're older, then I'm going to go back into the workforce, or I'm going to, like, go get a job. And I actually chose to do that the opposite way. My goal was that when my kids got to middle school, that I was going to have freedom, time, freedom, and financial freedom to be able to, I don't want to say do everything we want, but, like, be able to do what we want, have a way that I was making money that was not requiring my time for every single minute, and that I wanted to be more flexible and available. And I got to define what that was going to look like, and I'm very much there.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:14]:

But I decided to work while my kids were young. And I want to explain why is because what I observed is that when they're young, you have an enormous amount of control over what comes into their environment. I mean, we chose to have in home care, so we had nannies, and so it's like I got to choose everything. Like, the kids came into contact with, what shows they watched, what food they ate, what time they went to bed, what time they napped, how, like procedural. We were about their schedules or lax and not. We got to choose all of those things. And in that environment, it is a lot of caretaking. And yes, you're teaching them and they're learning how to walk and how to.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:50]:

Like, there's certainly those things. But what I find now that I have teenagers is that it is almost all what I call heart taking. You are taking care of their hearts. You are taking care of their character, you are taking care of them discerning and learning and growing and learning leadership and failure and how to work in a team and disappointment and their own expectations of themselves and working through other people's expectations of them. And to me, that is a much more fragile journey than when they're. Yes, more physically fragile when they're young. Like, they need to be taken care of and watched more closely. So that was why I chose that, again, not to convince you to make that choice for yourself, but I chose that very consciously to say, I'm going to work my face off when my kids are young, so that when they're older, we have the financial space to be able to do some really cool things.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:43]:

I have the time space to be able to be flexible, to go between my own growth and ambitions and things that I want to do in this season of life and be very flexible and present for them. And working while my kids were young has created a financial environment that Jarrah and I have some income in our lives where I have more flexibility with my time. Because of that. It was a conscious choice. I find that to be an very uncommon narrative, and I just share that because if that is what feels right to you, like, try it, explore it, and, I don't know, give it a shot. It was a very uncommon decision, and there were times where that choice felt kind of lonely. When my friends were doing a lot of play dates, they were meeting up for Bible studies, they were, like, doing things during the day, and I wasn't able to do that. There was a lot of stuff that I needed to say no to, but I was very clear about what I was saying yes to and why that was aligned.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:36]:

Big picture, like, in a decade span of choices that Jer and I were making for our time and what we wanted our future to look like. And I think as a result, I have more flexibility in our forties than I thought I would. So that was uncommon. Decision. Number one, working while my kids were young, it was a very, very conscious choice. The second one is being maniacal about what gets your time. And I don't really mean this in the sense of, are you going to join a board or not join a board. Are you going to say yes to volunteering in the class or not say, yeah, like, yes, those things.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:11]:

But what I mean is looking out for the sneaky, ordinary things. So I looked at my time, and I would say, I still do. I'm still pretty crazy about this, but if you go back and look, before I was 40 years old, my hair was the exact same. It was straight, brown, and slightly below my shoulders. Literally. That is, like, the only hairstyle I've had, really, since high school. I, like, tried some bangs, and I told my hairdresser, please never allow me to do that. If I come in and say, I would like bangs, you need to send help, like something has happened.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:47]:

Do not ever let me do that again. I do not have a bang face. Let's not do that. But outside of that, my hair was brown, and it was straight, and it was slightly below my shoulders. And that was the only hairstyle that I had because it was so easy to maintain. I really only got my hair cut twice a year, and I would often do it when I was traveling for work, like, totally pick some rando salon that had semi positive reviews because it was, like, literally straight across. How hard could it be? It was the only hairstyle I had. And part of the reason I did that was because it was so easy, it was so low maintenance, and I did not have time.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:21]:

Now I have short hair, and I can, because I have to get my hair colored, you know, because it's gray and that looks bad. I look old. I don't like that. So since I have started coloring my hair, which I had to do after I had Quincy, now I have short hair, and I get trimmed every six weeks. And it's silly, but it takes so much time. I'm sitting in that chair for two and a half, 3 hours, once every six weeks. If you add up the amount of time that is, I'm actually going to do that right now. Okay.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:49]:

I just did the math. If you get your hair done every six weeks and it takes two and a half hours over the course of a year, that's 26 hours. 26 hours that you're sitting in a chair somewhere just getting your hair cut. And I was literally doing that in like two. So that is an example of being maniacal about what got my time. That was 24 more hours that I had to do whatever else I wanted. Work, work out, be with my family, cook, prep food, whatever it looks like. And that might be something that's really important to you, and that's fine.

Tiffany Sauder [00:09:19]:

I'm not ragging that. But my point is, look for time that is like oozing out of your day that you're not even paying attention to. Another example is I don't get my nails done. Same thing. I'm like, it is silly. So if we just had 26 hours that we get back in our lives, if we don't get our hair done all the time, let's say you get it every two weeks, okay? So if you get your nails done every other week and it takes, I'm estimating an hour and a half. That's 39 hours. That is taking from your life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:09:54]:

There's those two things. That's 65 hours, 65 hours in the year that you would spend getting your hair cut every six weeks and getting your nails done every two weeks. Again, I'm not ragging on these things in particular, but what I observe is that we're spending all this energy keeping things kept, but we are not actually working on advancing our lives in like any demonstrative, meaningful, disruptive way. And I like to get to where I've gotten. I was maniacal about these little things being like, I'm not going to do that. That is like not going to take my time. Someday I'll have time to do my hair. Someday I'll have the time and money to do my nails.

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:35]:

Someday those will be things that I do. But right now, meaning in my twenties and thirties, those were not things that I did. And I made them very simple, very streamlined, so that I could spend time on the things. I felt like we're gonna have much bigger impact. Two other things that I wrote down is, until recently, again, I gave only 40. I didn't go to the gym. We spent a little season where we went to Crossfit for the most part, like YMCA and working out at home, just running. And that was another place.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:02]:

Like, I started adding up the amount of time I drive. Spent driving to the gym right now. It was untenable. That would be unsustainable. Untenable. Unaccessible to my life. When I was like really grinding, building the business and doing all those things, elements. There's no way I could have had time for that.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:18]:

And so look at those things. How many minutes are you? If it's a half hour a day, that's just the course of the week. Two and a half hours a week, if it's just Monday through Friday that you're spending driving. So I'm a big proponent of the gym. That's not the point. My point is, how do you make things simple? These transition times that we don't see, we don't pay attention to, we don't even realize it's taking our capacity. Those things can be very, very, very sneaky. And when you add up a little bit of time over a long period of time, it starts to be sizable.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:49]:

So, adding up, not getting your hair done every six weeks, not getting your nails done every two weeks, maybe grabbing a coffee at home instead of driving out of your way to go to Starbucks, working at home instead of driving to the gym, that's easy. 150 hours a year that you could get back, and what has really changed in your life. So, again, not ragging on, like, the subtle pleasures of life. Please hear me. That's not the point. What are the things in your life that, like, you would gladly exchange? That you would give up ten minutes a day to go get your coffee, to get an hour back, to have time to work out? What are the things that you would give up? Like not getting your nails done so that you could afford to pay somebody to do your laundry. That's what I want you to pay attention to. The margin of life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:12:35]:

I think the big rocks can get a lot of attention. And I think sometimes the magic is actually in these little marginal slivers of time and dollars and attention that we don't realize. If you bundle all that together, like, holy crap, you've got enough time to actually start that podcast, to actually lean into that entrepreneurial pursuit, to actually mentor that person at church, to actually join that Bible study, to actually get whatever the thing is that you actually have the time for it. You just didn't see that it was in. The thing that's coming to mind is like a tiny ice cube tray. You know, it's like a whole cup of water. It makes all these tiny little ice cubes. I don't know why that silly analogy just came to my head, but what if you gather them all up? Like, how big actually is the vessel of time that you would get back? So that's what I want you to hear.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:27]:

But also, I didn't get my nails done. Don't really get my nails done. You get the point. The third one is to pay for services and not for things. Pay for services and not for things. If you would go back and look at Jerry and I's family budget from when we were first married and living lean, let's be clear, since we were 28, 29, we've had some level of very serious entrepreneurial pursuit going on in our household. And certainty and paychecks and certainty and bonuses and all those kinds of things are not the vocabulary of Jr and I's financial lives at all. And so we needed to figure out where were we going to put our money.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:07]:

And we paid for services and not for things, because we saw even then it was going to give us time back. We had in home care in large part because I started to see the transition in the morning and the evening was going to take, at minimum, another 45 minutes a day. Packing the kids up, packing the bags up, driving them to daycare, being there at a certain time to pick up, get home, all of that transport transition. Just going back to this idea of, like, being maniacal about what gets your time, I just saw this is going to give me so much more time to actually work towards the thing I'm building if we spend a little bit more. And I have a different episode where I talked about how we were really creative and nanny sharing and having another kid come to our house for a while so that we could get to the place where we could afford that, because we really couldn't at the beginning. So we didn't put things on credit cards, we didn't go into debt to do it, but we got very scrappy and very creative, but we paid for services. We did not go on fancy vacations. I had a housekeeper long before I was not buying clothes off the clearance rack at Banana Republic, that somehow, at some point, always gets to 40% off.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:15]:

Like, I knew when things were going from full price to on sale to 40% off the clearance price, like, long before I was buying designer jeans. We had help with things because we understood if we have time, capacity, and we can put that towards the things that we are growing and building, that is going to get us further, faster than doing all the stuff ourselves and spending those things on other stuff, like a fancy vacation to Europe and all that stuff. We didn't do any of that business. We were maniacal about how do we get our time back and how do we make sure the time that we do have, we are executing those things towards the things that we believe are going to build new futures for us. And that was what we did, getting our lawnmower, those kinds of things. Part of it also is, babe, I love you so much. I know you listen to every episode. You are so good at so many things, but the lawn was never one of them.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:08]:

And so we outsourced that. Okay, so that's the third one. Pay for services and not for things. Where are you buying stuff that is not changing your life? It's like you don't even recognize the satiation anymore because it's so familiar. I think coffee is an easy one to pick on. But, like, literally, if you're buying three coffees a week at anywhere Starbucks or insert your substitute, you're probably spending at least $20 a week on that. If you're spending $20 a week on coffee, I know how I'm going to pay for outsourcing your laundry. I'm going to have you get some little keurig pots or a pour over or whatever you need to sort of scratch the itch.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:50]:

And I'm going to give you four to 8 hours a week back. What does life look like when you do that? So pay for your services and not for things. The last one is like, literally, if you like, use your bonus to buy like a designer handbag or a nice watch or something. Again, that stuff is very cool. I love that stuff. I love fancy things. But if you can only afford either a handbag or a housekeeper, would you rather have a big Louis Vuitton bag or would you rather have your house cleaned for an entire year and again, get that time back to do the things that you want to explore. Creative pursuits, entrepreneurial things.

Tiffany Sauder [00:17:29]:

Invest in your marriage. You want to get to the spot where you can afford both. Let's be clear. We want to live a life of and in all the things, both from a service and a stuff consumption. We want to live a life of and. But before you can, as you're building that, be thoughtful about what is getting your money and your time. It is literally the only commodity that matters. Okay.

Tiffany Sauder [00:17:50]:

First one was working while my kids were young. The second one was being maniacal about what gets your time. The third one is pay for services, not for things. And the fourth one is prioritizing yourself. And this is not necessarily unpopular or uncommon, but I will say that I feel like I've always been aware that I am better when I feel good and I am more confident when I am comfortable with the way that I look. And I am more present and able to give of myself when I am like, yep, I feel like a whole person. My mom used to say, I think she said this or I'm making it up where I imagine her saying this, but my mom always looks nice. She always looked nice when we were young, too.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:31]:

Obviously, I grew up before the athleisure season of the whole thing, but she like, always had on like clothes, like an obviously clothes, but like an outfit and like shoes on and like just always put herself together. Even though she stayed at home with us, she was stay home mom. But she would say it takes just as long to put on a dumb outfit as it does a cool one. You have to put on pants or skirt and a shirt and jewelry or whatever you're going to do. Like, might as well just take a beat and put on something that's going to make you feel great for the day. And when you take a minute to figure out once a season, how do you go buy a couple of things that are going to make you feel, like, fresh and current? How are you going to get a makeup and a skincare routine that is very repeatable, very easy, very doable. Have a backup of every single thing in your cabinet so that you don't run out. And then you like, go to Walgreens and buy something stupid and feel like you need to finish it.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:26]:

That's what happened to me. Have a backstock and make it easy for yourself. But prioritize yourself, because when you do that, it's not about being selfish, it's about being present, to be able to give of yourself fully to the things and the people that you have committed to. And so I think it's such a key ingredient to that. Certainly there are seasons where I have been better at that. When I talk about the life of Ann diagram, I'm better at serving my career, my professional priorities, and serving my family. I have to work really hard to keep my own disciplines around, serving what I need for myself, like moving my body, making sure that I like, give myself eight minutes to do my nighttime skincare routine instead of, I don't know, wiping down the kitchen again or just doing something tasky. I can get distracted by that kind of stuff.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:20]:

And so making sure that you're prioritizing yourself, nobody else is going to do it for you. It's going to be the way that you are going to be your best for all the other people. I know it's so cliche, I know everybody's saying it, but I need to be reminded of it all the time. And so this is just your reminder for this week, you've got to make time for yourself. Put it on your calendar, make it an appointment. Define your minimum around it. Be maniacal about it. Teach everybody else in your household what those minimums are and how they can support you in them.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:50]:

Publish them. Like, say, this is what I have to do for me to feel whole, to feel sane, to feel like I can love you and serve you in the most capacity possible. That to me makes it be like, this is not selfish. This is a gift to them. And they're my girl and my kids are my partners and junior is my partner in getting my time in the week. It doesn't work alone. It does not. It does not.

Tiffany Sauder [00:21:17]:

In the mornings, we have to take kids to practice. During the day, I have a million commitments and I just don't like that. I don't like midday and in the evenings, somebody's always got something. Who knows? It's just like, doesn't work. So unless Jarrah's like, you can go with mom or you're going to stay here with me, I will putz around the house for 48 minutes, which is exactly the amount of time that I needed to go take a walk and, like, do nothing. So fight for it. Publish to the family what it is that you need. Use your spouse as a partner in making sure that you are both prioritizing yourself.

Tiffany Sauder [00:21:51]:

It is a gift to one another, too. So, okay, what are the unpopular decisions, uncommon decisions that you need to make in your life? That's really the question. These are mine. I look back over the last 20 years as we, as I've built element three, as we've built our marriage, as we've built our family, as I've built and refined and worked to understand and put myself in situations where I better understand myself. That does not come from common places that are well paved, that are lit, defined, perfectly plotted stretches of land. That is not where a different life comes from. A life of And comes from making different choices, making uncommon choices, being uncomfortable, putting yourself in new situations, being a little countercultural in the way that you're resourcing your life and thinking about your time and pushing into the life you want so that you don't become trapped by the life you accidentally create. So go out and make some uncommon choices.

Tiffany Sauder [00:22:52]:

You know, I say this. The more you're around people like that, the more you you work to be inspired by people like that, the uncommon becomes suddenly a very comfortable and familiar place. And so I'm excited to see how you continue to step into the uncommon in life so that you can unpack and run towards your life of. And as always, thank you so much for listening. The greatest way that this show grows is by you sharing it with people that you know and love. And so if this episode has spoke to you in any way or you know somebody in your life who needs to hear this, it would be a gift to me if you would share it with them. Thanks for listening and go crush your week. Thanks.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:30]:

Thank you for joining me on another episode of scared confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.