5 practical tips for managing your family with a traveling spouse

I'm a small town kid born with a big city spirit. I choose to play a lot of awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor, and mentor. 17 years ago I founded a marketing consultancy and ever since my husband JR and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline.Yep, that means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered that I could purposely embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you too. I'm Tiffany Souder, and this is Scared Confident.So it's fall break this week, which looks like a combination of me doing some work, doing some fun things with the girls. It was gone Monday and Tuesday doing a speaking event in Nashville and Chair has been gone most of the week. So it's been a bit of a mashup I just put my youngest daughter down for a nap like 10 minutes ago before I jumped on the microphone here And I tell you I'm I'm so touched right now by the most Normal moments in my life and I mean the most normal moments like Putting my daughter down for a nap, seeing all of us in the rear view mirror in my car, taking the dishes from the dining room table to the dishwasher.Because I know that there's so many families in the war torn areas of, you know, Gaza and Israel and Pakistan and I, it's a very, um, complicated podcast on current events, which I'm very grateful for. But my heart is just. So touched by how normal has been erased in just an instant from their lives. And so, I don't know, I'm just paying a lot of attention to the normal right now.And it makes me a bit emotional just to be able to have those most normal moments and to go search for her blankie and, you know, just the things. So, anyway. I've learned I'm better on the microphone when I say all that I'm feeling, and so I'm starting with that. The thing top of mind for me right now that I wanted to also talk about is, how do you navigate well a traveling spouse?The fall is always a big travel season for JR. And he has been gone 13 out of the last 17 days. So when I say travel, I mean away. And he's been gone the last two weekends, which for me, it has been harder for me to learn how to navigate the weekends. Well, when he's gone, I get kind of bored. I'm super social.I don't like it when the weekend like feels like just a bunch of chores and work. Like I like to play and laugh and have parties, all of those kinds of things. And so. I've just navigated two weekends alone and they went really well and I thought I'd talk about what I've kind of learned and went well there.And he comes home in a couple hours, like he'll be home in like 90 minutes and I'm really excited to see him. And it's actually been a really good stretch of him being away. And so I was reflecting on why is that? Because it hasn't always been the case. Sometimes when he's. Gone a lot or has been gone for long stretches like this or quote left me alone for two weekends Which can kind of be my narrative sometimes when I'm just feeling sorry for myself I'm kind of not looking forward to being home I'm just kind of grumpy about the whole thing and so it's been a lot of our marriage that One of us has traveled.He has historically had a heavier travel load. And so I thought I'd just share some of the things that I do practically, the way I work on my mind, and I think the things that keep us connected even when we're physically not in the same space. So I have a few things here. I have five who knows there might be more as I start talking The first thing is like so it's so obvious, but we've not always done it So I wrote down keeping each other updated with pictures and texts throughout the day So there was a season for sure when you know My days are busy when he's gone his days are busy when he's gone and we would kind of just be like hey You go do your thing.I'll do mine and we'll touch base at the end of the day But I wasn't sending him, like, snaps of the funny things that were happening, like, if I saw a funny bumper sticker, if, I don't know, like, one time he sent me the most hilarious looking avocado toast, it was like literally a half of an avocado on top of a toast, like, so stupid.But just letting each other in. To the like funny moments and like the things were like, Hey, I thought of you or I was in Nashville and I saw this restaurant Sunda that he and I went to for one of our anniversaries and I was like, Oh, I thought of you loved when we went to that restaurant, it was such a great anniversary trip for us.So keeping each other updated with picture and text throughout the day helps you feel like you have a glimpse into one another's lives. And like when he sends me pictures of like him with the people he's with or of the venues he's at. He went to the sphere. You too was playing, amazing, like he doesn't have to be like XOXO wishing you were here Like that's probably a step too far for us and who we are But it like made me feel good to know he was like, oh my word Tiffany would think this was so rad I want to show her this so I would encourage you keep each other updated with pictures and text throughout today We fell out of The habit of that, because we just got, I would say, very obsessed, probably, about our own calendars and the things that we were doing, and I think actually what you're doing is accidentally telling the other person, like, it's not important to me to update you on what I'm doing, and that has really helped us stay connected.I think we've done a really good job of that in this stretch, and I think that's part of the reason I still feel, like, really connected and close to what's going on in his life. The second one is to talk for at least 10 minutes each night. So I know ten minutes feels a little bit arbitrary, but it takes like three to five minutes to kind of get through Just like hey, how was your day?How's the weather? What time is it? There is your hotel bed comfortable what the girls have for dinner like just kind of the like rote Stuff it takes a couple minutes to get through that if you can like talk for ten minutes Likely I have found the last three to four minutes We're talking about something a little bit more important a little bit more significant a little bit past just like the most you Tactical, transactional part of the day.So try to talk for 10 minutes. Uh, and I just noticed this. I usually have like 4 minutes. I'm like, okay, I kind of told you this stuff. And if we keep talking, then we get to something real and share something that was like an insight or something I learned or this was kind of hard or I got this email that kind of made me upset.And I think it just takes the relationship one more step even when you're like very practically in different places. Okay, I talked about him being gone on the weekends. I have learned when he's going to be gone, I've got to like make the weekend really fun. And what that usually means for us, because I'm very social and very extrovert y and like to have parties and things going on, is I'll usually plan something here.A big party for the kids, have a bunch of friends over, maybe try a new restaurant, maybe the girls and I will go bowling and then we'll have like pizza underneath the trampoline or something kind of like silly and impractical like that. I much more like to be silly and impractical, like having pizza underneath the trampoline.Tara would be like, there's so many bugs, why would you do that? It's like, I mean, it's a bad idea, but it's like fun. It's like an adventure. So, I've learned to do things like that, that serve the girls, allow me to be like super busy, allow me to do something that gives me like a creative outlet, like I'm serving other people, our house is full, that I just love.And both weekends really look like that. We had a bunch of people over, they can stay as late as they want, the house can be a little bit messy, and not that Jera's like militant about things, but it can just be a little sloppier when it's just me and the girls. And so I'm not like, Oh, I look forward to him being away, but I have found a way to solve for those weekends where I'm like, Oh, I'm really looking forward to this weekend.The girls and I are going to have a really great time. And we're doing things that we don't normally do with him. And so I don't find myself missing him. It's not like I'm going to a dinner party or our favorite restaurant that we love to go as a family. Like I found not doing those things makes the weekend go better for me.So we do things that we don't do in dad's home and It makes it, I think, a fun adventure for the girls and I, and it makes it so that I'm not missing him. And when I'm missing him, I'm usually like frustrated and annoyed. And that doesn't serve anybody. That's like not that productive. So, that has been helpful for me.Make the weekend fun. Give yourself something to do. Change up the routine. Try a new yoga studio. I don't know, do something just out of the ordinary. I've also noticed when J. R. is gone, I often have to tell people that. Meaning, uh, A, I just like generally export on my life at all times. It's uh, maybe a tragic flaw, maybe good, I don't know what it is.Um, somebody asked me if I can like meet early, and I'll say I can't right now because my husband's away. And so I don't have the same kind of backup in the morning as I would if he was home. And I've learned the way you talk about your spouse when they're away is how you experience them. Meaning, I can say to that person, Oh, my word is so annoying.My husband's been gone 13 of 17 days. Can you believe it? So no, I can't meet you like that is a way to talk about it where I'm the victim. My husband is the offender and You know, and I'm like kind of talking bad about him, or I can be like, yeah, my husband just had like a lot of really cool opportunities inside of his business, so he's not home right now, and so I don't have quite as much flexibility, but I'd love to meet with you another time if we can, like the way I talk about him, the way I talk about the things he has going on, the way that I talk about what we've decided the opportunities are going to be for him.You know what I mean? Like the things we're going to lean into as a family. I have a shared responsibility for that. I'm excited for him. I'm excited for us. Like, I think it's really cool what he's getting to do and explore and opportunities for the business that he's leading. Like, that's super cool. And the way I talk about him informs the way I think about him, which informs the way I experience him while he's away.Does that make sense? So the way that you talk about your spouse is the way that you think about them, which becomes the way that you experience them while they're away. And so watch your words, watch the way that you're talking about them, watch the tone that you're using when you say their name, watch how you're describing to others what it looks like for them to be gone.Because Maybe there's a lot of conflict around it, and so that's something that you need to privately resolve, but nobody wins with you, like, I don't know, like, just publicly blasting them, like, nobody wins in that scenario at all, so, I don't know, I've really learned to watch that, because there are times I'm a little tired, there's times it is a little bit of a lot, and I'm not disingenuous about that, but I'm not a victim to it, like, we chose this together, and sometimes it's a lot, and, I will find ways to, like, make it fun if I can, and I work each time he's gone to make it go a little more smoothly, to be a little better at it, to be a little bit more prepared.Okay, this was not on my list, but I want to add this one. Food, to me, is, like, something I have to have solved when my husband is gone, or I, like, lose my mind. We are a live to eat family. We, like, love to eat. I love to eat. I cannot just eat, like, tuna out of a can. Bagged lettuce and feel satiated. I wish I could wish I could just be like baby girl ate her macros And so now I'm done eating.It's not how it works for me. It needs to taste good needs to be hot I need to use a fork Like I just I just I'm a little high maintenance when it comes to that I like to eat my kids like to eat. I can't just eat pizza at the island And it feel like dinner, just can't do it. So, I food prep like a monster before he leaves.And that can be like, go get a couple rotisserie chickens and have them debone. Like, it doesn't have to be this gourmet situation. Sometimes I'll buy a little bit more prepared proteins when he's away, like shredded pork from Costco, or those Amy Lou meatballs, like chicken meatballs are amazing. So things are like pretty quick prep that I can have ready in like 15 to 25 minutes.I would say. When he's going to be gone, I obsess a bit more than normal out of that motion, because if I start to get behind in that eating area, it does not go well. I don't like how I feel, and then I feel grumpy, and then I take it out on the girls, and then it just starts a really bad cycle. So. That's my thing.I don't know what your thing is. It might be like you have got to get your morning runs in. And so you need to wake up 30 minutes earlier, which means you've got to make sure that you go to bed on time. It could be that you hate unfolded laundry. And so you're going to try to get ahead on laundry before your spouse leaves.I don't know what your thing is. Everybody's kind of got their tick. Like their thing where like if this is done, then all is good in the world. Mine is food. So, I overreach in my preparation in that area when I know for sure that Jara is going to be gone. Or I put stuff in the freezer on easier weeks so that I have, like, a pan of enchiladas I can get out really easily.My past self blesses my future self with some emotions like that, for sure. The last one. This is a reminder, your reminder, my reminder, that being away is hard, too. Being away is hard, too. So, we can glamorize. I mean, my husband has been on the road, like I said, 13 days. He also got to do some very cool things.He went to Thursday Night Football. I said he saw U2 at the Sphere. He went to some incredible restaurants. His owners, I mean, God bless them. They're such foodies. They love to go to amazing restaurants, try new things, eat like extravagant sushi. All this, all the stuff while I'm eating seven day old kale.That's how it can feel is like you're doing all these glamorous things and look at me. I'm just at home, you know, trying to do my job, keep up with the kids, driving people everywhere. But it is really hard to be away too. I was just gone for two nights, only two nights. And I was like, this is like, hard.Schlepping your stuff around, sleeping in an unknown bed, like getting in too late to eat any real food, having meetings start too early to have time to work out, like. It's also hard to be gone and so reminding myself of that when I'm like he gets to do all these fancy things and do all this cool stuff and like I'm just home like it's also hard to be home.Yes, there are some really cool things about being away. There's some really nice things about not having to worry about somebody else needing to go to the bathroom and pulling their pants off like I have to do when I'm with Quincy. Like, yes, there are some things that are nice about being away and it's also really hard.And it's the same thing about being home. There's some amazing things about being home. I get to sleep in my own bed, I get to eat my own food, I get to work out in my own gym, I get to be able to like sit in my own office and like feel the efficiency that comes with working in a familiar space and having my charger and being able to go get a cup of coffee if I want to.Like there are really helpful things about being able to be home. And there's some things that are hard, like, you know, I have to do everything and blah, you know, all this stuff. So just remember. No matter where you are, whether you're the spouse who is home, or you're the spouse who is away, there is something great about that one, and there is something hard about that one.And don't only see the positive part of leaving, and the negative part of staying home, or vice versa. The positive part of being, you know, being home, and the negative part of being away. It's where you need to be as a result of the goals that you have. And so, I feel myself feeling very grateful that in this season where J.R. needs to be away a lot, two things are happening. One is, I have the flexibility to be able to choose to be home. And I'm saying like home, I'm not like actually in the physical building all the time, but like within driving distance of our home. I'm at work, kind of in my morning routine. Or we have this amazing army of people that help us keep things going so that It can be as normal as possible for the girls while we have these seasons in our careers that are creating opportunities where we need to go somewhere else.So, anyway, this is a super top of mind for me because of all the aloneness. I'll also say, like, we do some really fun stuff. Like, my grandma, so my girl's this gray grandma, is, 93. And she's in a nursing home and my girls have been up to see her, I don't know, probably six times in the last six weeks or something like that.So we go see grandma. It's so sweet for them to have interactions with that age of just like people and hearing about the stories. Grandma was. 11 during world war two and asking her about that and seeing her older brothers go to war. Aubrey, my oldest is going to be 15 in January. And so she'll take driver's ed and my parents live in the middle of nowhere.And so my dad took her driving, um, which is something I've kind of wanted JR to like do, or we need to like get her behind a car. I grew up on the farm. And so driving so early and she's going to need to drive in the city. So. I mean, I feel like she needs to get some practice. So I was like, my dad can do it.That's great. So instead of being annoyed that Jr can't, I just like solved it differently. And the other thing I did, I think it was smart is my girls wanted to have this big fall party. I've shared in an earlier episode that one of my strategies is my kids get older is asking them, what do you want more of from me so that I'm not just.Solving in the way that I think that is valuable to them. I'm like literally just asking them, I guess that way, when they're like, I don't know when they're 43 and they say that something sucked about their childhood, I can say, well, I asked you, you didn't tell me, I don't know. So Aubrey, my oldest is like, she loves, I love to have parties, but she loves to have her friends over.And so she's like, I want to be able to have my friends over more. So we did this really big fall party. It was awesome. The kids had so much fun at a bonfire and outdoor games and all this, but he still had my little kids. And I knew just with, I think there were like 15 teenagers and like, I just needed to kind of be on high alert and be, you know, just present and available and there's a fire and just like, you know, be able to be available and that, but my little kids also kind of needed watched.And so I had a sitter over even though I was here and she's watched my girls a bunch. She's like, you know, kind of become a family friend and she just came and hung out with me for like three, four hours. Helped me get prepared, helped me clean up dinner like so much faster than if I had to do it alone.You know, went down and watched a movie with Quincy. So, you know, I've just had to learn, like it feels a little funny to hire somebody to come help you when you're at home with your own kids. But if I want to be able to serve my older kids with experiences like that and also keep my little ones safe, I just knew I needed an extra set of hands.So I could have asked my mother in law to come over. There's a lot, you know, lots of ways that I could have solved for that. But. You just have to get creative, maybe that's the crux of the whole thing. Don't become a victim in your own mind and stay creative and we're all excited for J. R. to come home and I feel like we've done a really good job in the stretch of staying connected as a family.So hopefully our experience, my continued pursuit of just getting better at this world of being a two career family, of wanting to fight really hard for just like closeness in our family, of like being present. And having a sense of like adventure and community in our lives. And also, this just. I don't know, like passionate pursuit of continued growth and not exchanging one for the other.And maybe this is just another part of my life of and