Ask me Anything featuring the Hubs

J.R. Sauder [00:00:00]:

I think whenever you have a spouse and a teammate in any career or activity, parenting, you want that person to be confident in what they're doing and out there and supporting them in their goals and dreams. I feel like your job as, like, a helpmate, is to do your best to support them in whatever they're most naturally inclined to do and to be.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:24]:

I'm a small town kid born with a big city spirit.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:28]:

I choose to play a lot of.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:29]:

Awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor, and mentor. 17 years ago, I founded a marketing consultancy. And ever since, my husband, junior, and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:45]:

Yep.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:46]:

That means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you, too. Im Tiffany Souder, and this is scared confident.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:07]:

Okay, this is gonna be a fun episode. I have the hubs back on the podcast. Usually he's just here in April for our anniversary, and we do, like, this marriage checkup. But we were on a walk a couple months ago, and I said, I think it would be fun to do, like, an ask me anything kind of jam, and he said he would do it. And so when I sent the survey out a few weeks ago, asking you what questions you would ask him, that's what we're going to do. We're going to go through some of those today. So, babe, welcome to the show.

J.R. Sauder [00:01:37]:

Yeah, good to be here. Not exactly sure what I got myself into.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:41]:

I told him, I said, we'll just go through three of them. And he said, they're not just yes and no answers. What would be a yes and no answer question? Do you like Tiffany doing the podcast?

J.R. Sauder [00:01:55]:

Mostly yes.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:58]:

What's the no part? I think I know the answer, but.

J.R. Sauder [00:02:02]:

Sometimes I'm just like, yeah, I shade a little bit more to personal information and confidentiality than you do. We just are at different levels of sharers.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:12]:

Yep, that's true. Okay, so we're going to jump into a couple of these questions. All right. And he has not seen them, so we'll see how this goes, because you're kind of a processor. So we're just kind of doing a surprise attack here. Okay, question number one. So, the question I asked my listeners was, if my husband was to share his perspective, what question would you ask him? So we're going to pick, I don't know, three or four of these. Okay.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:36]:

The first one is, I would like how do you balance time with your wife plus time with your kids and your friends? Do you kind of just go with the flow or are you intentional about who you spend time with?

J.R. Sauder [00:02:51]:

I would say it's gotten to be where I'm intentional about it. I used to just go with the flow and that didn't work quite as well, I would say, in each of those relationships. And now I'm much more intentional about the time of year when we're doing things and getting it on the calendar. And I've had this thought recently just whether that's friend groups, even family. There's people who are the planners and people who will just show up. And it can even be from a business perspective. There's those who plan lead, do things to get others involved, and there are others who will be the willing participants. And, you know, if you plan something that they will be there.

J.R. Sauder [00:03:35]:

But it takes both kinds. But there's a lot fewer of the people who will take the time to actually be thoughtful and plan it out. And so being a lot more intentional in all those areas of life, I think is something that ive more grown into versus early on I was more reactive and would wait.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:52]:

So practically, what are some really specific things that you do? If you said Im starting to get more intentional, whats practical things that you do?

J.R. Sauder [00:04:01]:

Well, I would say just our annual trip and having more of a business meeting around what we expect the year to look like. Not that it is going to look exactly like that, but maybe an outline of a construct of what it could look like if we were going to look into the future. Same sort of things around kids activities, getting those on the calendar early, understanding what goes into those events, tournaments, concerts, whatever the activity is. And then from the work side, just understanding time of year, trips, what typically happens. Ive completed three full years in my role. Now I have a much better idea of whats coming. Even though things can happen at the last minute. Ive got a pretty good idea.

J.R. Sauder [00:04:50]:

Hey, the first quarter is going to be really busy, so think about the other areas of my life need to be heavier second quarter through fourth quarter than what the first quarter is going to be.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:00]:

So really practically. So obviously our family calendar, we get filled up. But you have friends that you golf with, you have your dad. That's a really important relationship to you. So I guess for people listening, that's our family and that's work, which is some piece of it. But like, what about your friendships? Are you a. I know the answer to this, but people want to know like, are you a golf once a week? Is it trips? Is it like, what does it look like?

J.R. Sauder [00:05:25]:

I would say I'm more a golf once a month with friends and maybe once a month with my dad. And that's currently what I have time for. I enjoy that. I love being outside and in that peaceful environment with all them and having conversations and jabbing each other and that sort of thing, and having some competitive activity. Depending on who I'm golfing with going on, I find a lot of enjoyment in that. And then with friends, it's become a lot of my college friends and others are spread all across the country. So it is being thoughtful around when I can get together with them throughout the year. At times my job takes me to a bunch of different places, letting them know, hey, I'm going to be in town.

J.R. Sauder [00:06:05]:

Are you available? That would be an impromptu visit, but typically it's been like, hey, let's make a long weekend of something and a group of us can get together. Really, at this point in life, it's once, maybe twice a year.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:18]:

So with the kids, you are not really a like, I know some families, it's like dad takes one kid out for breakfast every Saturday morning, or there's like these big routines that are part of the way a parent stays connected to a kid. That's not like really what it looks like at our house. I think from the older girls you're really involved in their activities. I would say you take the lead in our family with their sports. I would say sports activities, like, you really take the lead there. You like for a swim, you know how all the, like, swim portals work, you know, like you're just the lead on that stuff. And with Ainsley, as she's wanting to get more competitive, understanding, like the coaching landscape and the training opportunities and the things that she needs to get, like, you take the lead there. And so I think that's a big part of your interaction and touch points with the big girls.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:14]:

But I don't know how would that's coming to mind for me. But how would you talk about the way or how do you think about your time of like, how do you make sure you stay connected to each kid in seasons when you're away a lot and seasons when you're home more?

J.R. Sauder [00:07:27]:

Yeah, I think it's easier with the activities because I lived that and just knowing what's important, what is seemingly important at that age versus what's actually important and how I can help and provide advice or listen to them and understanding what they're going through, it's easy for me to relate with them in those areas. So I think that's probably why I tend to go more that route. And back to your question on routine and breakfast and based on just schedules, anything routine right now, where we are in our lives is setting us up for failure. Not that having routines during the week and knowing what you're going to have happen, that's an important part of logistically what needs to happen. But for me to promise something to the girls, hey, this is what's going to happen every Saturday morning because you've got a gap in your schedule. Like, I would never be able to uphold that, like, just with my own calendar in what needs to happen. So I feel like we've gotten away for that, or I haven't started that because I know I would be setting myself up for failure for them. So that's just.

J.R. Sauder [00:08:29]:

People have calendars that allow for that or they know they're going to be free on these days, you know, 50 weeks out of the year, whAtever. 40 weeks out of the year. That's great. That's just not feasible for. For me right now.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:42]:

Perfect. Well, kind of an adjacent question to this. Just like having a job that requires travel. Another question was, do you ever feel guilty about being gone a lot in pursuit of your goals and dreams, and if so, like, how do you address that?

J.R. Sauder [00:08:59]:

Yeah, I think you've done a good job of talking about what's really important to the girls and understanding what you need to be there for and what they would prefer you were there for. And if I think back to this last year, I missed one of Aubrey's choir concerts because we had our sales meeting and there was just a bunch going on at work. And I was hosting 100 people, essentially, in Indianapolis that week, and I just couldn't make it to her concert. But the one before that, she had a solo, and there was just no way I was going to miss. I was asked to go somewhere, and nine times out of ten, I would have said yes, I needed to go there. But for that specific concert, it was a no. I had to be there for her as she had that solo. So I think it's easier as they get older and you can talk to them about it and there's some level of understanding around what you're doing and what you're sacrificing all this for.

J.R. Sauder [00:09:53]:

And not everything is a ten out of ten importance level. So I would say that's kind of how I think about, especially with the older two, just at their ages, you can talk to them about, hey, these are important tournaments, these are important concerts. Oh, this is going on. So I dont carry a lot of guilt with it. I want to make as many things as possible and if I can make it, I mean, youve seen me stay for a game when it wouldve been much easier to drive to Cleveland at noon and get there for a dinner versus skipping the dinner, staying in Indianapolis until 07:30 p.m. and then driving and arriving there at 130 in the morning and then having a full day. You have to make choices and trade offs and sometimes those are going to say, okay, I need to be here with my family and I dont need as much sleep or whatever it is I can go to the next day tired. In other days, its like, hey, I have to be on my game.

J.R. Sauder [00:10:47]:

I have to get there and ill call and talk after whatever the event is. Stay as plugged in as possible. But yeah, I don't know. I feel like if you're going to carry guilt around, you could make that very easy on yourself when feeling guilty for missing any little thing.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:05]:

Yeah, I think we've done a good job of not necessarily setting their expectations that we're both going to be everything. One of the things I think that is important, this is my worldview. Other people don't need to pick this up, but that, I would say our kids are an important part of our life, but they aren't necessarily the only important part of our life and they aren't even the most important thing. Like, I don't know if that sounds terrible to say that out loud, but we are all customers of our time and resources and they are important, absolutely. But we all have to sacrifice in different areas of our lives to get everything to happen in this kind of giant life of Anne that we're trying to pull off. And I think the expectation setting for them, and I don't know if we ever did it explicitly or if it's just like environmentally, like, we're just not always both at everything and they're always supported. There's always somebody in the audience that loves them, that is a familiar face, and we want it to be both of us. Ideally, one of us is great.

Tiffany Sauder [00:12:10]:

Sometimes it's neither of us and it's one of our parents or an aunt that they know is, you know, the world's biggest fan. And so I think we've been able to create a sense of community and security for them when it doesn't always have to be just you and me because there's times that we want to go do other things, it's like, not even. Cause we have to. You want to do your career, you want to do your job, you want to do a great job at those things.

J.R. Sauder [00:12:36]:

And I think there's a piece of it, too. The girls understand just being in a little bit larger family, when you have three siblings, you see your parents split up or spend time with another one. And back to explicit, implicit. They see that we can't be everywhere all the time, and there's different activities going on, and we're trying to support people versus whether you work with people or see people who have one child, and it's all about that kid, and then there's maybe different expectations from the kid. I don't know not to get way into only child behaviors versus people who have multiple siblings, but I think there is some of that just from an expectation standpoint of the kids or people with multiple siblings.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:18]:

Yeah, that totally makes sense. Okay, we're shifting gears a little bit here. Question is, what's it like to spend your life with a strong and confident woman? And another person said, like, what's it like being married to a woman who has chosen a demanding career? And is this what you pictured when you were younger? That's my question, but what's it like to be married?

J.R. Sauder [00:13:43]:

It's a tough question because I don't know it differently. And we try to raise the girls to be strong and confident, too. So there's a lot of women around here who are strong and confident, but to try to do my best to answer the question, yeah, I think whenever you have a spouse and a teammate in any career or activity, parenting, you want that person to be confident in what they're doing and out there and supporting them in their goals and dreams. And that can, again, you do a good job of saying, like, that can be a lot of different things for a lot of different people, but I feel like your job as, like, a helpmate is to do your best to support them in whatever their most naturally inclined to do and to be. That maybe makes it less about me and how I feel about it or think about it. I would say when I am at my best, we're probably more selfless than selfish about, like, hey, this makes it really hard on me to do my job. I could totally feel that way, and there's threads of truth to that. However, that probably doesn't work out real well in the long run if that's what I decide to hang on to.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:57]:

So I think if we're gonna and just be honest. That's the thing to do. Obviously, if you didn't let me be who I am, it wouldn't work. You have to accept people for who they are, but there are trade offs, and there is a price everybody pays in the household for kind of who I am and what I've chosen. And so I think if there's things that come to mind or you're like, yeah, these are things that would be easier if it wasn't the way it is. That doesn't make what we're doing wrong. But I think giving people an honest look at what are some of the prices you feel like you pay and then what some of the. On the other side maybe what some of the benefit that you get from, or there's none, and that's fine.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:40]:

I'm open.

J.R. Sauder [00:15:41]:

Yeah. I would say what is hard is when you have two people with large careers, you have all the events and ancillary things that you don't necessarily think about when you're just doing your job, but those can start to build up. And I would say that's probably the largest struggle for me is it's not what is directly tied to your job or career, the podcasting and everything that goes along with that. It's more secondary and tertiary events that we have to go to because of this two career life that weve chosen. So thats probably what I find the biggest drag is somebody who every once in a while just needs to pause and rest and feel like I can take care of myself a little bit and I get energy from rest versus going out and being with a bunch of people, whereas youre more extroverted like that, and that gives you a lot of energy to do that. That, to me, is probably what is most draining to me. Are there benefits? Absolutely. We've gotten to do some really cool events, cool things because of choices that we've made.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:50]:

Do you feel like, on the whole, we've been able to take more risk in our jobs and in our, I don't know, just overall risk in our lives and financial profile because we have two incomes and because there were seasons where one was more secure and the other one was taking more risks and vice versa?

J.R. Sauder [00:17:12]:

I don't know. I mean, I think about it more just true opportunity cost of what we're doing and at different points, you might think of things as risky, less risky. Early on in our mid twenties, yeah, it was where we were and what we were attempting was very risky. Starting or doing new things now I feel like is a little bit less risky just in terms of maybe what were willing to commit into those new ventures. So I dont know if that exactly answers your question, but if youre going to take big swings and big risks doing that earlier, that was a choice that we made with eyes wide open into that, not exactly knowing where it would go and not that Im totally opposed to ever taking a big swing again, but its just different when youre in your mid forties and you have four kids.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:00]:

Okay, last question for today's episode. The question is I would ask him, I would ask Junior, do you tiffany lead with and as much as you encourage your followers to do, do I live the life as intentionally and maybe, I don't know, passionately as I represent other people should do it.

J.R. Sauder [00:18:21]:

So I would say yes. And I think this is something that if people are listening to the podcast, they hopefully understand this as like it's still a living document and we're figuring out like, yes, there are tools now and there are things that you use and put in place, but it's like ever changing and figuring out, okay, this works, this didn't work, it might work for somebody else, it doesn't work for us. So I feel like there's this constant trial and error or pursuit of and that you definitely live towards and not saying like you have it all figured out, I think that's misrepresenting. I don't want to take the question there. If they're not saying by saying yes, we've got to live in your life of and to me that's not saying like, you have it all figured out. You're saying you pursue and and there's times where it works perfectly and there's times where it we get tripped up and we got to, you know, go back to the drawing board in certain areas.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:17]:

Awesome. Well, thanks for coming back on, babe. Appreciate you sharing your perspective in this wildlife. Do you remember, I feel like when we get in arguments, it's usually over sort of the core of what I'm gonna try to like do a mad lib here and maybe it will work and maybe it won't. But like when we get in arguments, what's the core usually of it?

J.R. Sauder [00:19:40]:

I would say there's a two. It's either the other person feels dismissed or lack of respect from one person or there's just not enough time with each other.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:53]:

Yeah. And that usually I feel like it's like this independence that we fall back into and out of this sense of reliance and listening and being a team. It's like, when we're out of sync, we kind of go back to individual contributors, and I feel like whenever we're like, okay, we're in bad patterns, we've got to get back on track. You'll always say, what was the thing you were most attracted to when you met me? Do you remember this? Hopefully, yes.

J.R. Sauder [00:20:19]:

Well, I mean, there's just so many.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:21]:

But no, come on, don't be patronizing. Independence in my confidence, you're like, you're just, like, so confident. So I'm like, I know it's a thing with me, but it can become unhealthy where I function alone and I move forward without you, or I think I have all the context and I don't. So, anyway, my point in saying all of that is, it is true. I always have another idea. It is true. I always have another thing that I'm wanting to do. I have had to learn even in my natural pursuit of a life of.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:54]:

And Junior is wildly discerning. It's definitely one of his greatest talents in life is to be very discerning and not putting him in the game of being a wet blanket on all of my dreams, all of my life at band, but making sure that we actually are able to lay pavement and, like, move forward and not just jump from thing to thing to thing. So I guess I say all of that of, like, this is definitely a team sport. I am good at the end, and I think sometimes you are helpful at helping me stay focused on the. The things I've already committed to, because right now might not be the time for that. And I think that you've taught me that of, like, how do you make sure that you have capacity for the thing that you want to say yes to next? So, anyways, this marriage thing is definitely a team sport. We are perfectly imperfect, but I would choose this with you every time. So thanks for coming on.

J.R. Sauder [00:21:49]:

Thank you.

Tiffany Sauder [00:21:52]:

Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.