The Power of NO
In this introspective and motivational episode of Scared Confident, join Tiffany Sauder as she explores the impactful lessons learned from a simple parenting epiphany. Tiffany delves into the importance of saying 'no' and how it can be a powerful tool in fostering self-confidence and resilience in our children. Through a heartfelt conversation she had with her daughter, Tiffany uncovers the societal pressures that make us apologize for merely asking and the importance of dismantling those habits.
For more tips like this, sign up for Tiffany's newsletter.
Timestamps:
[00:00] Intro
[00:39] Apologizing after “no”
[01:58] The hair color debate
[03:47] Teaching to handle rejection without feeling guilty
[04:28] The importance of asking confidently regardless of the answer
[05:12] Accepting "no" with confidence and courage
Tiffany Sauder [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Scared Confident. I'm your host, Tiffany Sauder. So I was just texting with one of my daughters, and I kind of had this parenting epiphany, and so I thought I would just jump on the microphone super quick and share it with you. So I've been noticing this pattern, and I will try to protect the innocent here and not reveal which daughter it is. But one of my daughters, I'm noticing when she asked me for something, if I say no, that her immediate response is to say, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And so I was texting with her this morning. She was asking me if she could meet up with a friend, and I was like, yeah, sure, that's no problem.
Tiffany Sauder [00:00:39]:
And then I came to find out that the friend actually hadn't asked her over. She wanted me to text the other mom to see if that would be okay. And I was like, no. I said, no. She's like, oh, sorry, mom. And I was like, no, you don't need to say sorry. Just because the answer is no doesn't mean that you weren't right to ask the question. It's just sometimes the answer is no.
Tiffany Sauder [00:00:58]:
In fact, you're not going to be able to do it. Or the other example was, she is interested in maybe getting some highlights or her hair colored or whatever. And my inquiry into this was about, are you imagining that I'm paying for that? That you're paying for that? Is that because you're feeling insecure about your hair and how it's looking, or is it just you're interested in a new look? And I was just asking questions around it. Do you have an idea of where you would go and how much that would cost? I was just asking questions about it, like, seeing how much she thought about it and what her motivation was for it and why it was important to her. And was this something that she was wanting for herself, or did somebody else in her friend group want it? I was just trying to understand the sandbox that we were playing in and why she wanted this. And so we got to the end of it, and I said, so are you just sharing this with me or are you wanting to do it? And it was, like, quiet. And I said, well, if you want to do it, I would say that for right now, the answer is no. And there's a couple different reasons.
Tiffany Sauder [00:02:00]:
One is, I just think you're just too young. The other is, we're spending a lot of money on a lot of other things right now. And so if you would like to like maybe give up one of those things, then maybe we could talk about spending some money here. But it doesn't seem, like, totally aligned with your objectives right now in your life to get your hair colored, super expensive, and it's time consuming, and it's one more appointment, and there's, like, lots of capacity constraints in our house as it relates to time. And so it was like, to me, it feels like a want, and I totally get that. And I think that's exciting. And I think it's fun to, like, talk through the idea of it, but the practical implementation of it, I think, just doesn't align to a lot of other things that we're doing in our family right now. And what I hear is, like, primarily important to you and your time and the priorities that you have and the goals that you're trying to achieve.
Tiffany Sauder [00:02:47]:
So we don't have just a lot of vital capacity. And so I said, if you're asking me for an answer, the answer is no. And her first reaction was like, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm sorry. And I said, you don't like. I was taken off guard by that response. I'm sorry. That's fine.
Tiffany Sauder [00:03:01]:
And so this morning, I was, like, noticing this pattern again, that when the answer is no, her response is, I'm sorry. And as a mom, I want to raise strong, courageous girls who have the confidence to step into their potential to ask for what they need to stand up for themselves, all of these kinds of things. And I was like, I don't like this response of when it's a no, that she's taking it as a must have been wrong to ask the question. And so my text message to her, and I will just pull it up right now and read it to you, was, you don't need to apologize. Every time I say no. Sometimes the answer is just no. That doesn't mean that you are wrong for asking. So I don't know.
Tiffany Sauder [00:03:47]:
This is maybe not a universal issue, but it was like this suddenly, this morning, I was like, oh, my word. This is the thing that my intuition is, like, keeping track of. Why does it bother me when she says I'm sorry? Because saying I'm sorry in and of itself isn't bad, but you want to say it for a place where you were actually wrong, and I'm sorry can be this polite response to, like, giving away your power. When she wasn't wrong for asking me. She can ask me for whatever she wants to ask me. I want her to have the courage and confidence to do that for eternity. And sometimes it might feel like a really big, audacious ask, and I say yes. Who knows? But you'll never know if you don't ask.
Tiffany Sauder [00:04:28]:
And so, as I, like, roll forward 20 years and put her in the workplace, I want her to have the confidence to ask, even when there's a no. And I think that, you know, as I'm, like, even getting a wider lens on this whole topic, it's like we have to have the confidence to roll through lots of no's in a lot of different areas of our life. And so it was this little teaching moment this morning, and I thought I would just jump on and share this observation, and maybe you can see it in the patterns of your own kids or even in yourself. Don't apologize for asking the question if the answer is no. It's just no. Just accept it and move on with as much confidence and courage as if you would have gotten a yes. Thank you for joining me on another episode of scared confident. Until next time, keep telling fear.
Tiffany Sauder [00:05:12]:
You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.
