Cultivating gratitude and creating home

Welcome to Scared Confident. I'm your host, Tiffany Souder. So before I get into the meat of this show, I have to, like, share something. The most precious thing happened in our family this week. Not my family, but, like, on my phone. So this week has been crazy. It's one of those where my husband and I were gone over the weekend. The kids were all in different places.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:24]:

We got home Sunday night, so we weren't totally on top of the week. Jr. Was walking into a week long sales conference for the company he works for. And so that's out of the house in the sevens back home between 730 and 10:00 p.m. each night, just generally out of pocket, not able to help with running and stuff, which is fine. We knew that. And for some reason, like, literally every single kid has an appointment of some kind this week. Like, a dentist, an orthodontist.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:52]:

We've had a dermatologist appointment. I think we have a physical. It's just hilarious. Everybody has some appointment this week. It's election week, so I needed to vote. It's just a hilarious number of, like, extracurricular things. There's a choir program one night. It's my mother in law's birthday.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:08]:

Just, like, something every day. It's just hilarious. So it's been. Just been a week where it's kind of been a sprint. My husband texted me and said, I just want to say thank you for all that you're doing this week. I know it's a lot. And it was, like, such a gift, that text. And I just felt like that text early in the week was a culmination of how hard we have worked to love each other in the way that the other person needs instead of, like, in our natural tendencies.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:36]:

My husband is not a natural externalizer. All the things happen inside of his head, and I have had to be like, babe, I need you to say things, even positive things, that, like, feeds me. It makes me feel appreciated. It makes me feel like you see what I'm doing. And not that I need you to say you're doing a good job, but it feels like, just like, you see me and that you're like, I get it. That is a lot for you because I don't like to complain around and be like, do you see all I'm doing? I just don't think that's a very good look. So, anyway, it was amazing that he texted me. Like, babe, I just want to say thanks for all you're doing this week.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:12]:

I know it's a lot, and you're doing a great job. And it was like, okay, I have four more days of, like, no problem. I can get this done. It just was like such a gift. So take a second and text your spouse, like, right now and tell them something that you're grateful for about them, something that you see that they have done, that you feel loved, that you appreciate, that you see them stepping into, just like, being a great parent. Like, when we live inside of these two career households, there are so many demands externally, on our time. There are so many people that when we walk into the room, they're expecting us to have the answer. They're expecting us to frame the problem.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:49]:

They're expecting you to run the meeting. There are just a lot of expectations when you decide that you want to have a great, big, full life and that you want to have a big job and give and serve in a really big way in your career. And there's a lot, and I know that this week is going to be, like, exhausting for junior and I want to be able to support him so that he can be on his game. I know it's really important and also it's a lot of capacity for me to do my things, be there, be consistent for the girls and, like, not, I don't know, sometimes you get tired and just short and I just don't want to show up like that for them and be like, do you see me helping you here? And I don't know. I just know for sure. Ten years ago, that's not how it would have been. That the end of this week would have felt like a fight. Ten years ago, the end of this week, I would have been like, Friday.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:36]:

I just would have been, like, annoyed with him. Like, every single morning you just got up and got out of the house as quick as you could. And I wouldn't have been as gracious and he wouldn't have been as gracious either. And I just feel so grateful for that. So I don't know how you and your plus one need to work to come towards one another, but I have told junior, you just saying, I see you, you're doing a great job, I appreciate you, is like, all I need. Like, you just need to tell the other person, this is what I need and just do that and don't make it hard. And it was such a gift to me. So I know this began after being gone all weekend and out all week long.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:12]:

He is going to want just some home cooked food because he gets tired of eating out. And so I will try to like, love him in that way. How do I be prepared and how do I love him that way? So anyways, I'm just sharing in our two career home, we have got to be able to be capacity for one another. I was talking to someone and explaining this concept of implicit expectations and explicit agreements. I don't need to go into that right now. And I was saying, my husband always puts his coat on the back of the chair. It drives me nuts when he walks in. And I've asked him, like, will you hang it up? And he was like, I don't really actually want to.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:49]:

And I'm like, you know what? That's fine. He doesn't have to. He's a grown man. This is his house, too. He works really hard so that we can live here as well. Why do I have to be the one who controls the way that he lives in it? I don't need to. If he doesn't want to hang it up and I want to hung up, I can decide to hang his coat up. He's not going to be mad if I do that.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:06]:

I just, I don't need to be annoyed. Every single day he has said, I don't really want to hang it up. And I can say, great, you said you don't want to, and now I don't have to nag you. And if I want to hung up, I can hang it up. And she said to me, I wish I could be that mature in my relationship with my husband. And I said, well, what I have realized is that I'm the only one that can give him home. That one spot on the planet where it's just your home. And to take away home, like this idea of you can just walk in and plop sometimes and just not be on your game and just rest, sit on the couch for ten minutes and just sit and rest.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:49]:

And it be home. And I realized that, like, my wanting things to be in order, my wanting things to be, like, picked up, because that's how I like it, that I can accidentally take away home for my family and the way that it feels to be there. If I don't balance that with just an awareness that, like, some of it's not that important, it's just my preference. And if I want it to be totally picked up, then I can do one last round after everybody goes to bed. And for three waking minutes, it can be totally, totally, totally, totally, totally picked up. But if I'm not careful, I can rob us of home and I can be so uptight about it and so just rant rat. That's just not that cool. So anyway, I think that as we work to certainly run our homes well, that to be intentional about just where our energy is going and taking good care of our things and feeling like we're not just reacting to a mess.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:45]:

That's a really big part of what I believe in, that we also are thoughtful about making space for our people to rest because it's still home. So we've worked really hard to get here. I'm really grateful for where our relationship is at. And if you're at a place where like, things are not as easy and not as simple and it feels really hard, I guess want to give you encouragement that it can really be different. It just takes a lot of work. So thanks for listening, as always, to the episode this week. If you know someone that could benefit from this message, I'd love it if you shared this episode or another favorite one with a friend. It is the number one way that the show is growing and we so appreciate when you share it with another two career family that you love as we continue in our mission of helping two career families move from chaos to connection.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:34]:

Thanks for listening.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:37]:

Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:46]:

I will.

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