How to Ask for the Support You Deserve (Without Feeling Guilty)

Brian Kavicky [00:00:00]:

The fact that you're thinking, I want to invest in help, I want to invest in hiring people, I want to invest in support for myself and I have the money to do it is a slam dunk logic thing. But we don't have the conversation because the emotional blink and that devil's tongue is telling us, wait, we don't deserve it. And maybe I'm just not experienced enough. Maybe I just am disorganized. Maybe I need to balance my time and take a time management class. Maybe I just need to get used to this level of where I'm at. No. Hire the help.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:00:33]:

I'm a small town kid, born with a big city spirit. I choose to play a lot of awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor, and mentor. Seventeen years ago, I founded a marketing consultancy and ever since, my husband JR and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline. Yep, that means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you too. I'm Tiffany Sauder and this is Scared Confident.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:01:15]:

Hey there, this is Tiffany. Welcome back to Scared Confident. Today we're doing something a little bit different and I think you're going to love it. If you've been with us for a while, you know I'm all about helping two career families navigate the chaos of finding more love, peace and connection. And sometimes part of that work means diving deeply into the tough conversations we all need to have but often avoid. That's where today's guest comes in. My coach, Brian Kavicky is taking over the mic on this episode. So if you've been with us for a little bit on the feed, you've heard Brian's voice become a routine voice.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:01:48]:

I have paid this guy tens of thousands of dollars over the last 10 plus years to help me with different areas of my life. I'm telling you who's amazing. He's been a trusted advisor in my life and has an incredible ability to unpack the mindsets and dynamics that are holding us back. Today, he's tackling a question I hear all the time. How do I ask for the help or resources I need to support my family and myself without feeling guilty? I'm going to say that again. How do I ask for the help or get the resources that I need? Like, how do I ask my husband? How do I make sure that the family budget is supporting some of this? Those really Difficult conversations that says it's too much for me. How do I get help? How do we have those conversations, those real, intimate, raw, vulnerable conversations with each other without feeling guilty, without feeling like, you know, you're not doing it all? So this is a conversation for anyone who's ever struggled to align their family and their professional life or just felt stuck trying to do it all. You guys, I am not kidding that Brian Kavicky has probably seen more of my tears than adult tears, than people, than, like, other people on the planet.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:03:00]:

J.R. is probably, like, my husband is probably a close second or maybe first. But my point is, Brian is a place where I have taken my biggest problems, the moments when I felt like life was, like, literally too big for me. So Brian's going to jump on today and share some insights that was going to challenge the way that you think, offer some fresh perspective, and help you start the conversations that can truly transform your household. So grab your headphones, take a deep breath, and get ready to listen to bk. Let's dive in.

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Brian Kavicky [00:03:31]:

Let me talk through first why the question even gets asked. Because here's what doesn't seem to make sense. And you may feel this way. You are somebody in your household that is doing a lot. Typically, when you're asking this question, you're working very hard, you have a lot of responsibility, you're a task person. And usually what comes with a lot of those things is that you have high income, you make good money, you bring in resources, and those resources allow you to do cool things with your family, like take vacations and live in a nice home and buy nice cars and all of those. Those different things. And then what happens is, as you achieve things, get tougher on the family when really those resources should be used as tools in order to help defray some of those expenses.

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Brian Kavicky [00:04:21]:

But what I hear all the time is, well, I have expectations on me that go to the household and things outside the home. You know, I'm expected to show up for all these games. I'm expected to do all the laundry. I'm expected to do all these. To do things around the house like fix this, do this, all of that stuff. But I'm getting burned out because my business has demands on me. Or if you work for a corporation, the company is asking a lot from you, and you're just spent and you run out of energy and you're tired and you're wondering, why in the world am I doing this? Why is my family expecting me to do all these things? But the reality is that the Thinking and the mindset in your relationship is what's driving it, because clearly the resources are there. Let me talk first about a concept called the Princess Principle.

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Brian Kavicky [00:05:15]:

I don't know where that comes from. I don't know whose that is. I have nothing to cite. So if I just made it up, I just made it up. If I heard it from somebody else, then I'm stealing it. But I don't know where it comes from. But the Princess Principle is this mindset that how you grew up as a child and how you viewed your future life based on your family situation or watching your friend's family situation dictates some of the things that you see for your life. And I'm going to speak to the women's side here.

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Brian Kavicky [00:05:49]:

As women, you know, a lot of women played with dolls, and a lot of women had moms that were stay at home moms or moms that worked very hard but did all the traditional things like, you know, the mom cooks and the mom cleans and the mom does laundry and the mom puts the kids to bed. Tonight there was a modeling of a lot of household things. And with that model, in comes what's the role of the man? The man goes out and brings home the money and has a job and travels, is always tired and doing all these things. And as you sit back and you're thinking, okay, as I'm transforming from being a little girl to a woman, I'd like to have a life partner, I'd like to get married, I'd like to have someone else in my life. And then when you start thinking about marriage, it's, I'm going to marry this person, we're going to have a beautiful wedding. And then you start to fall back into your models. And so what happens is a husband and wife intermarriage with very little premarital counseling or planning or any of those decisions being made, they just say, we want to be with together. And they do almost nothing to align their life.

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Brian Kavicky [00:06:58]:

And the man is coming into that with, here's all the things that I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be a career person. I'm supposed to do this. The woman's saying, well, this is what I'm supposed to be. And then what happens because you're two single people is you both go down this focus of your career, and as you're together and as you're working together and building your house, you're increasing your income and you both have jobs, and what happens Is at some point, one of you starts outperforming the other. And if that's different than what your mindset for life looks like, you start to have conflict. So if you were a little girl that thought, I'm going to stay home someday and have kids and all of those things, and all of a sudden you're running a company, people are reporting to you, you're almost never home, you're traveling, you're a career woman, your business is growing, all of those things. And I'm making three times what my husband is.

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Brian Kavicky [00:07:54]:

You're looking at that going, something's wrong. And your husband's looking at that going, I don't maybe know if I like this, because his model and his principles of what he thought life was going to look like are very different. And then the conversation never gets held of, whoa, is this where we thought we'd be? And is this what we're going to do or not? And there's no adjustment that's made between the two of you, and on and on and on. And it could be any way. It could be, you're a man and your. Your mom was the breadwinner and your dad did these things, and then all of a sudden you're outperforming your wife. It's the same thing. It's not you have to be in a traditional role of marriage or anything like that for this to happen.

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Brian Kavicky [00:08:37]:

It's that how I viewed my future life and where I am today are completely different. And because you never reconcile with that, you never have that conversation, stuff starts to get messy. And that's where this comes from, is this princess principle. So the fix is acknowledging and having the conversation with your spouse that, you know what? Life turned out different. We don't have the same things. And we have to realign our roles in this relationship to what where we are today and where we're heading, as opposed to what we believed as little kids, life was going to look like, because it is very different. And I have clients that make 10, 20 times what their spouse does as the woman CEO. And those couples have reconciled with that, and it's fine.

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Brian Kavicky [00:09:25]:

And it's redistribution of roles to some degree, and also traditional roles of, you know, I still want to. I mean, my wife, even if I told her she wasn't allowed to do it, would be very upset if she couldn't do laundry. She loves doing laundry. There's a lot of things she's fine with. Nope, I need resources. But she does not want to give up doing laundry because for her that's therapeutic. There are some of you out there that say, I would never have anyone mow my lawn because I love that part of my life. Well, so be it.

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Brian Kavicky [00:09:56]:

But the key is you're making that choice. You're saying, that's what I want to do versus that's what I have to do. And there's a big difference. So the shift and the conversation that you end up having to have is, where are our strengths? Where are our natural strengths? You know, a woman is typically a better nurturer, so there should be strengths towards the nurturing side of parenthood. The men can be a little tougher and maybe they have some accountability and discipline role in the marriage for raising a family. Or one of you might be a vision person and one of you is a good executor, but the key is to have that conversation. So that's the principle of it. So if you're looking at a relationship with any human being, your friendships and your intimate relationships are based a lot.

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Brian Kavicky [00:10:46]:

And this is going to sound very cold to usefulness, if you look at your friendships and friendships that aren't there anymore. What it comes down to is those friendships were no longer useful to you. They weren't useful to the other person. So you may have had a best friend who you felt was useful and you needed them for certain things, you needed their support, you like, their entertainment, whatever it was. And as you've drifted apart, if you sat back and gave it a 30,000 foot view, you'd realize, oh, that person isn't useful to me anymore. And vice versa. If somebody that you really love being around is now not so much around and you're like, oh my gosh, I haven't seen them in three years is partially because you weren't useful to them as all you weren't useful as useful to them in the same boat. So in a marriage, in a partnership, usefulness is critical because you're committed to being with one another.

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Brian Kavicky [00:11:47]:

And that commitment needs to be how do I give you the best life? Not how do I have the best life, but how do I make sure that the other has the best life? And if you look at divorce and relationship struggles, it all ends up happening because one of those partners becomes selfish, that causes the other partner to become selfish. And then all of these selfish acts start ensuing. So the best way to make a long term relationship work is to focus entirely on the other person and making sure that all of their needs are met. And thus we have this question where we're asking how Do I get my spouse to help me with my needs and the needs for the family? How do I even ask that question? Because I'm not sure they're going to want to do it. They're not going to be open or you've had that conversation and it hasn't worked out. And it's because there's this feeling of I don't want to be selfish. And it's ignoring the fact that your selfishness is not selfish at all. It's self interest, and it truly benefits the other person.

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Brian Kavicky [00:12:54]:

So shifting that paradigm and thinking differently about it will help with this conversation. So, first, Princess principle second is strong relationships rely on each person equally participating and giving the other person everything they need in that relationship. So here's why the conversation isn't had, because it seems to make sense. If I'm really busy and I'm bringing in a lot of income and I'm doing a lot of stuff, and I'm strapped for time, and my time is very, very obvious that it needs to be split many different ways. You get guilt and you have this guilt of. But asking for something for myself is guilty, because if the family expects me to do all the cooking, it's selfish for me to have somebody do that for us. It's selfish for me to have somebody do our grocery shopping, it's selfish for me for somebody to run the kids around because I should be doing that as a mom or a dad. And you get guilty and you think, well, I'm letting somebody down because I'm not doing what I'm expected to do.

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Brian Kavicky [00:14:03]:

So not having the conversation is about avoiding this guilt thing. And the guilt thing comes from what's called head trash. Head trash is your beliefs that swim inside of your head that say, this is the direction that I should be going in. And all head trash, all negative thinking, all the lies you tell yourself come from a principle called the devil's tongue. And the devil's tongue is a biological thing. It's not the actual devil. It's a biological thing, but it's your biology working against you. If I took a pen and I chucked it at your face, you would blink.

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Brian Kavicky [00:14:42]:

You can't, like, just be going like this. Some of you are like, oh, I can't keep my eyes open. I have to blink. The devil's tongue is nothing more than an emotional blink. It's a protection for your emotions. And it comes in three phrases. The first phrase is, I'm not likable or loved just the way I am. The second phrase Is I'm not enough.

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Brian Kavicky [00:15:05]:

I don't have enough education. I don't have enough experience. I'm not old enough, whatever that is. I am not equipped. I am not enough. And the third is I don't deserve. And that means I don't deserve good things. I don't get to have everything I want.

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Brian Kavicky [00:15:22]:

I should only be. Needs focus. So what your brain does in order to emotionally protect you is that when you begin to take emotional risks, your brain blinks. And your brain says things like, now be careful. If you say that or you speak up, maybe they won't like you. And it causes you to hesitate and go, oh, maybe I shouldn't take that risk. When you're not capable, or you're going, man, I've never had this experience before. I don't know what to do.

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Brian Kavicky [00:15:49]:

Your brain goes, well, maybe you need more time and experience before you go on this endeavor. And it causes you to pop, pause and go, maybe I should look at this. Or your brain says, be careful. That's a nice thing. You shouldn't have nice things, because if you lose that thing or it might cause unrest because maybe you're being selfish, that's I don't deserve. And if you think about those things, there was an old Saturday Night Live that had. It was Stuart Smalley. And Stuart Smalley did that, this thing where he would talk to the mirror and everything.

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Brian Kavicky [00:16:20]:

And he said that the antidote to the Devil's Tongue, you know, I'm good enough, people love me, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, I deserve a lot of things. And he'd just say it over and over. Whoever wrote those skits knew about the Devil's Tongue because those are the antidotes. So the way to fix it in your brain when you hear I don't deserve is merely to go, oh, that's my biological blink. That's not real. That's not a real thought. That is to protect me, and then decide, I don't need protection. I don't need to have my emotions protected.

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Brian Kavicky [00:16:53]:

I'm going to go ahead and take the emotional risk. So part of having this conversation is acknowledging that your biology is telling you to be very careful because there's a risk to this, but the risk isn't really there. I mean, having the conversation with someone and saying, hey, I would like to allocate some of our resources to this so that we can be a closer family and I can spend more time with the kids in this way is a very logical thing. I mean, the fact that you're thinking, I want to invest in help, I want to invest in hiring people, I want to invest in support for myself and I have the money to do it is a slam dunk logic thing. But we don't have the conversation because the emotional blink and that devil's tongue is telling us, wait, we don't deserve it. And maybe I'm just not experienced enough. Maybe I just am disorganized. Maybe I need to balance my time and take a time management class.

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Brian Kavicky [00:17:49]:

Maybe I just need to get used to this level of where I'm at. No. Hire the help.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:17:56]:

Hey there podcast listeners. It is no exaggeration to say that the work my companies and I have done with Brian and his team at Lushin have been absolutely game changing. I would not be where I am today without their experience and guidance. If you're struggling to grow your business, your profits, or grow your people, or maybe your business is growing, but it just isn't getting you personally to where you want to be. You have got to schedule time. Give Brian one hour of your life and I promise that you will see the way forward a little bit more clearly. If you're interested in scheduling, there's a link in show notes. I promise it will help.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:18:35]:

Now back to the show.

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Brian Kavicky [00:18:39]:

So keep in mind it is fake beliefs in your head that are biological. The last thing is that I, a lot of times having the conversation is a fear of failure. If I am worried about the outcome, it usually comes from a fear of failure. So let's say I say I'm going to have this conversation with my spouse. What if they say no? Then I'm not going to take the risk to do that. Well, the fear of failure is a guarantee for failure. So if I'm worried that they're going to say no and I don't have the conversation, I'm at the same place I was, which is at no because I didn't ask that. If I ask and maybe get a yes.

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Brian Kavicky [00:19:24]:

So your odds of getting a no by not asking are always 100% the odds of getting a yes. You don't know what it is, but you have to have the conversation. So it's about having the courage and we'll give you the, I'll give you the tactics here to have the courage to have the conversation. But it's really about if I am worried that it won't work out and then I'll be told no, then I'm not going to do it. While you're self fulfilling your own prophecy by not doing it so fear of failure is the absolute way to fail. Okay, so let's talk about the logical way to justify this in your head in order to not feel guilty about it, because we got to solve this guilt piece of, I don't deserve it. And, you know, is this. Okay, so here's what I'd like you to do as an exercise.

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Brian Kavicky [00:20:15]:

If you sit down and you take your total annual compensation and you divide it by all the hours you actually work, so you have to take all your time off, your vacation time, your nine days of sick time, your 14 holidays, all of those things. And then what is my average amount of time that I work each week? And divide your compensation all the way down, you're going to come up with an hourly rate. And if you're paid an hourly rate already, you already know what it is. That is your hourly rate. That is your value. So if you are a very high income earner, if you look at your hourly rate, you're like, dang, dang, that's pretty good. Now, when you compare that to people that can provide services like taking care of your laundry, doing your grocery shopping, nannying your kids, all of those things, and you look at their hourly rate, what you're always going to find is that your hourly rate trumps their hourly rate. Because your logic is, I would never hire someone at my own hourly rate to do laundry.

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Brian Kavicky [00:21:24]:

Yet you are, every day by doing that. So the logical basis of comparison is just what does it cost me versus what I make? That's my hourly rate. It is ridiculous for me to do these things when you consider that, you know, for a decent size house, for house cleaners to come in, it costs $200 to have them come clean our house. They're there for three hours. My hourly rate is nowhere near theirs. So I should never, ever clean my house. And I should not feel guilty about that because A, I'm employing other people, and B, I'm serving my clients just the way that those people feel like they're serving me. So all people are benefited through that.

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Brian Kavicky [00:22:08]:

So if you're having a tough time saying, oh, I don't know if I could justify this, and I feel guilty, all you have to do is take a look at your hourly rate and say, hey, this is where I'm at. This is what I want to do. And this is a very important exercise because what you're probably realizing even listening to this right now is that it is so logical, yet you don't do it. And the reason is there's a part of you that values money more than time. And as wealthy people get wealthier, the one thing they always do is figure out how not to to spend time doing things. So take a private jet. A private jet for a typical family is going to cost, depending on the size of the jet, $5,000 to $15,000 per hour to go fly it. And you might go, well, you can fly on an airline for less than that money, even if you fly first class.

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Brian Kavicky [00:23:08]:

I mean, that seems pretty pricey. Yeah, but a lot of those people that do that, their hourly rate says, yeah, I shouldn't be on an airline. If I'm going to waste time by going through the airport, going through security to take a two hour flight, I'm five hours in, my hourly rate is this, I should be on a jet doing that and I should be going this way because this is dumb. And so you look at that and you go, well, that's excessive and that's luxury and all of those things. But those people doing it are all doing it because of time. They're saying, time is more important to me than money. So the big shift that you have to make is where you spend your time. So if you sat down and said, here's my life priorities and this is the priorities for my family.

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Brian Kavicky [00:23:53]:

All of those priorities that you have for your family have nothing to do with doing laundry, cooking, doing jobs, grocery shopping, any of those things. Not a single one. And if you have the resources of money and you have problems with your time, you don't actually have a problem because you can buy yourself time. So the wealthier you become or the more that you think about money from a Money gives me the freedom of time. You get on the right path because strong performers and wealthy people understand that time is more important than anything else in their lives. Who I spend it with, how I spend it, what I'm doing with my time. Your only limited resource is time. And if you are wasting time by doing things that aren't valuable to you, when you have the resources to fix that problem, you don't actually have problems.

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Brian Kavicky [00:24:49]:

Money gives you the resource to solve almost all your problems. You can't get more time, you can get more money. So one of the shifts to make is that how I'm spending my time, who I'm spending my time with, and my time needs to align with my priorities is all about using your other resources in order to free up your time to do the things that are important to you. So let's shift to how to ask, because I'm hoping, listening to this, you're going, okay, this all makes sense. I got my logical arguments, blah, blah, blah. But I'm still Brian, I'm still afraid to ask. So I'm going to. I'm going to give you three ways to ask and give you the freedom to choose which one of those feels best for you.

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Brian Kavicky [00:25:34]:

So here's the first one is just ask, take a deep breath, get with your significant other, sit down and say, hey, we need to have a conversation. I need to ask for this, and here's why I'm asking. And don't over complexitize it. Just take a deep breath, have the conversation, and ask. And have the conversation. And if you're in an especially strong relationship where you're used to having tough conversations with your spouse, this is gonna be an easy thing. So get over your guilt, get over your feelings of I'm not sure this is okay. Lay out your case and just ask.

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Brian Kavicky [00:26:08]:

That's all you have to do. So method one is stop worrying about it and just ask. Okay? That's it. Like, this is what I need. This is what our family needs. This is what I'm asking if we can do. Can we do that? Do you agree with me? That's it. Number two, for those of you that say, I don't know if I could do it that way, okay, here's a second option.

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Brian Kavicky [00:26:28]:

In the beginning or earlier on, I talked about the idea of making it about the other person. So if you go to someone and you say, here's what I want for me, they're kind of looking at you with this mindset of, well, what about me? If you start with, this is about us, so it equally is going to benefit you. And here's how what I'm willing to do for that, to make sure this is a benefit for you, it takes down their defense of selfish behavior going, what about me? So if you're going to ask somebody for something and you say, hey, you know, one of the things that I'm realizing is that we don't get to spend as much time together. I'm missing some of the kids things, I'm working late, I'm doing all these things. And then when I come home, I'm super tired, I'm worn out. Then I cook dinner, and then I'm cleaning up and all these different things. I want to free up some time so that I can spend more time with you and more time with the kids. And I don't want to do certain things.

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Brian Kavicky [00:27:29]:

And I think if I'm. I'm not grocery shopping. I'm not doing this. I'll have more energy so that you and I can spend time together. I'll have more time to be with the kids and help with the homework. I just want to get from this thing where I'm doing it by myself to I'm spending more time with all of you. And hopefully that translates into you and I having more time to have deeper conversations, blah, blah, blah. So it's not a you don't want to do a I want this, and it's all for your benefit because anybody will see through that smoke screen.

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Brian Kavicky [00:28:00]:

It's here's what I want to do and here's why I want to do it, and here's how I think it benefits all of us. So that's somewhere in between. Just ask, say this is what I want. The next is ask, say how it benefits everybody. You could probably combine those two, but I want to give you that in tiers. Tiers and differences. And then the last one, this one's a little bit more complex and it's counterintuitive. So there are some of you listening to this today that said, wow, I would love to be able to have that conversation with my significant other.

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Brian Kavicky [00:28:35]:

I wish it could be as easy as asking or laying out my case to have a real conversation, but we're not at that place where we can do that. But I still need these resources right now. So option three is for you. And so what I'm going to teach you is how to get buy in. Getting buy in is actually counterintuitive to what people think. So getting buy in is defined with you have an idea and you want others to support your idea. You probably know how to do this professionally, but because you've never thought about it, you don't do it at home. But getting buy in is not about getting people to buy into your ideas by telling them why your idea is good.

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Brian Kavicky [00:29:19]:

Getting buy in is actually about helping others think through why your idea is bad. So if you want something and you want buy into it, you present it and ask the other person to make you wrong. I'm pausing there because I want you to process that you get buy in from other people by asking them to make your idea or your position wrong, not right. And the reason that people don't do this intuitively is they're worried that if they open the door to ask people to make them wrong, it's going to come out as wrong. But that's not actually what happens. You spent a lot of time in your life trying to get your ideas and people to accept them as right. You're going, hey, I have this great idea. We should do it.

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Brian Kavicky [00:30:07]:

Doesn't everybody agree with me? And people look at you and go, no, I don't. You've tried that and it hasn't worked. And what adults don't do is they don't adjust their process based on their result. They keep doing it a certain way. Well, if I tried to get buy in before by trying to get everybody to agree with me, well then. And I didn't get buy in, why wouldn't I ask people to disagree with me in order to get buy in? But it doesn't make logical sense in your brain, but it sort of does. So if I said to you, hey, I've been noticing that I've been working a lot, I've been spending a lot of time. I've been very tired.

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Brian Kavicky [00:30:44]:

I feel like I'm getting tapped out. Someone approached me and said, hey, why are you doing all this work? Why don't you have an assistant who's helping your grocery shop, helping you cook and prepare meals, running to the cleaners for you, doing all your errands? Why are you doing all this stuff? I mean, you make a ton of money. You could afford to have that assistant. Why aren't you doing that? And I sat back and I thought about it and I went, well, yeah, but I've. I've never thought of it that way. And I think from my perspective, it's a good idea. And I think it would help our family if we invested in it. But I'm open to being wrong.

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Brian Kavicky [00:31:23]:

You know, maybe it's a bad idea, maybe it's not. Doesn't make sense. Maybe there's something that says we shouldn't do it. I couldn't come up with much. So I'm asking you, my spouse, tell me where it's wrong, like, why is it a bad idea? And then you just sit there and here's what's going to happen. They're going to tell you why it's wrong. Now, that's what's going to happen first. That's not where it stays.

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Brian Kavicky [00:31:50]:

So what you're going to experience is they'll make it wrong first and they'll say, here's why it's not a good idea. It costs a lot of money. And what you do is you control your reaction. You say, huh, yeah, I thought about that. I think I have an answer to that. But that's fair. It does cost a lot of money. And I want you to agree with to.

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Brian Kavicky [00:32:13]:

With them. You say, yeah, I think I have a way of looking at it. But you know what? Let's write that down. It costs a lot of money. And write it down. And then you ask the question, what else? What else makes this a bad idea? And have them go again. And what'll happen is they'll give you another one or they won't, but somewhere between 2 and 3 and 4, what makes it wrong. What's going to happen is they're going to shift their mindset.

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Brian Kavicky [00:32:40]:

So they're going to give you an idea. This costs too much money. I don't want somebody weird in our house. I don't even know how it works. But you know what? If they're doing all that stuff, maybe it is a good idea, and maybe this does make sense, and could I use them too? And all of a sudden, after they purge, here's what makes it wrong. They'll start saying why it's right. Okay? And what I want you to do once they make that purge, let them go, but don't let them go forever. You go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Brian Kavicky [00:33:12]:

You know what? I agree. Yeah, you could use them, too. Maybe this would be a great idea, but let's talk about this money thing, Because I thought about the money, and I'll lay out what it costs, and you tell me if I'm nuts, but I think the money's right. But let's. And now that they're in this positive mindset of, you know, I hadn't thought about it, blah, blah, blah, they'll start working out the negatives. Especially if they only gave you one negative thing and then they switched all positive, it's pretty easy to mitigate all the positive things. So you gotta get the purge. The psychology of this is sort of like when you go to a party.

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Brian Kavicky [00:33:49]:

So you go to a party and you're with your best friend and somebody comes in and they're wearing super cool shoes, and you look at them and you go, oh, my gosh, I love your shoes. And if you turn to that person and go, why do you love those shoes? They're probably not going to come up with an answer. In other words, they didn't say it with any thought. They didn't process it. They just said the first thing that came to their mind when they saw it, but there's no thought behind it. So when you ask people to make you wrong, they're so used to you making it right that the first thought pops in their mind. But they haven't Thought about it. So when you're what else thing and what else and what else you're getting them to actually think, they'll start to figure out that the ideas they have to not do it don't really stand up.

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Brian Kavicky [00:34:33]:

And when you go, well, I thought about this, but this is the cost. Is that too much? Oh no, I didn't realize it was that. What about this strange person in our house? Well, we'd have to vet them and they're going to do a background check and you know, if we don't like them, we don't have to hire them. But shouldn't we figure out if we like them and trust them first and check their references? Oh yeah, as long as we're doing that, that all of a sudden it's solved. So keep in mind that getting buy in comes from asking somebody and giving permission to make you wrong, not right. Okay, so those are the three. Just ask because it benefits them. And then third is get by in the proper way.

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Brian Kavicky [00:35:12]:

So here's one last piece just to lock all this in. I want to give you a key concept. Your relationship gets stronger when the other person knows how you feel and why you feel that way. It's actually critical for decision making for people to understand how people feel. Because as a human being you only make decisions based on how you feel. You don't make decisions based on logic, but relaying and saying this is why and this is how I feel and this is how I want to solve how I feel. Because how I feel is important is one of your rights. And it gives other people perspective to know what that is so that they can process a decision similar to how you process the decision.

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Brian Kavicky [00:36:04]:

You know, if, if you're just giving logical arguments and somebody doesn't know how you feel, they're going to process that very differently and they're going to argue with your logic. So work to feel comfortable with how you feel and conveying that to the other person. I hope this answers your questions. I hope this gives you direction and tactics. I hope this gives you a mindset for what you do to solve this problem. Because you do deserve to have people help you. Having an assistant professionally is one of the greatest investments any leader can make in their business because it frees them to do the things where their talents and strengths are. Bringing that same mindset into the home, which is essentially a business operation, a partnership, a, a hierarchy, an org chart, all of the above things actually frees up your family for many things.

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Brian Kavicky [00:37:03]:

And people when they learn and they teach their Kids that we leverage our resources for, tools that help us have the freedom in our lives to do what we want to. It's a very powerful generational thing to pass down as well. So I hope this helps you with that. Like all these episodes, there is a link in there for if you need to talk to me or want to talk to me. The caveat to talking to me is, hey, Brian, I'm. I'm serious about changing the way I think professionally, the way that my company operates, the way that I operate and navigate my life as a leader. If you want to talk to me about that, it's an hour of time for you and I to talk and for me to show you what helping you looks by you bringing the actual problems and me helping you with those problems. I welcome you if you want to do that.

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Brian Kavicky [00:37:54]:

I just ask that if you do that, you are serious about changing something. Doesn't really matter what it is, but you're committed to changing or doing something different. But I hope this little excerpt of what most people or a lot of people think is super helpful. Thanks and have a great rest of your week.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:38:16]:

If there's one big takeaway from today's episode, for me, it's this, that asking for help isn't selfish. It's smart. When you shift your mindset and recognize that investing in the right resources is really about building a stronger family, then everything changes. Think about this in our businesses. When I make more profit in any of my businesses, I don't put all of that in savings. I do three things with that. First is I pay taxes with some of it. The second is I, I put some in savings.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:38:44]:

And the third is I figure out how can I bring more efficiency, higher quality product. And what do I mean by product in my life? How do I level up the trainer I'm using? How do I level up the food we're eating? How do I level up the frequency of cleaners that we have? How do I level up the help we have in our house? How do I add childcare so that we can go out on date nights? Like, this is what I mean by how do I level up my life? Whenever we make more money in my business, I think about I need to pay taxes, I need to save some for a rainy day, and I need to invest in making the business business better. And it is the exact same thing in my personal life. When I make more money personally, I'm gonna need to pay some taxes. So do you put something savings, invest it for your kids so that they have some money or pay for colleges or whatever it looks like and then look at how do we increase the product of our lives. And that's what Brian is talking about this. So I think for me, this was a great reminder. I have been fortunate in that Junior has, for the most part, always been really supportive of helping me fund what is required to be able to allow us to get help.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:39:49]:

And I hope that this conversation helped you have more courage to step into that conversation and your family. So, as always, thanks for listening to Scare Confident. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who needs this conversation too. It is the biggest way that the show grows and when the show grows, then we can get bigger guests and all kinds of good things happen. So I'd love it if you shared it with a friend who you think needs this conversation today. Brian Gavicki, thanks for always speaking truth into our lives, for being generous with honesty, which sometimes means that I don't like you. So Brian, thank you for always bringing the heat in that capacity. And as always, keep leaning into fear and chasing your hands.

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Tiffany Sauder [00:40:26]:

Until next time. Talk to you soon. Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.