How to bring your best in a season of transition

Tiffany Sauder: I am in the middle of a lot of transition right now. If you have kids, in school, likely your household is similar where you're moving from, the freedom in some ways. I would say like, no two days are the same in the summer for us. And so, moving from a very loose schedule to one that has much more structure to it is definitely a muscle that we are getting our arms around. we also didn't have any care this summer, for our younger one. And so my big girls filled in and, we're transitioning back to a nanny. and so that's another just layer of transition. and my. Oldest went to high school today and started. So some transition there.

It's just like all over the place. and I find whenever I'm in transition, it takes just an extra capacity of energy to deal with. just like added planning for me to kind of train. Or get used to, you know, the new schedule, the new timing, new people being part of our household and system and keeping things running and also just being present for the girls as they're moving through transition.

What are the expectations? Do they feel comfortable? Do they feel heard? Do I have the space to. Hear them well as they're thinking about, you know, going back to school and who they're going to sit with and What that's gonna be like and if friendships have changed and who's on their teams and just all the things and not being so preoccupied with the task of transitioning our family to a new space and Then there's the aspect of figuring out how do my routines and my minimums and the things that are important for me To feel centered. Where do those fit? Into the calendar as we're getting, you know, practice schedules and that kind of thing. So that's just, I guess, me checking in a little bit with myself about where I'm at and what's going on. And, if you're in that same place, I remind myself every single time I'm going through transition.

It takes about six weeks for things to feel like, woo, yeah, we've all got this. We know exactly what's happening. And, kind of have the kinks worked out. It's about six weeks until I feel like we're really humming. So each week it's a little easier. And this was day one of week one. So, wasn't a bad morning. It just. Took a lot of micro solving to get everybody out of the house and making sure they felt confident in their outfits and their hair and all the things that come with having a household of girls. but I've been reflecting, I was talking to my mom a little bit about. Our kids and the oldest one is 14, almost 15. The youngest one just turned three. So we have a big span and we have like the big kids and the little kids, the bigs and the littles. And I told my mom, I said, you know, the little kids ask for your time and the big kids wait for it. The little kids ask for your time and the big kids wait for it.

And so I have to be really intentional about making sure that I'm just not always answering the call. of the little kids and going, days, weeks, without sitting down and really listening to my big kids. My little kids will come and take my hand and pull me to exactly the room they want me to be in.

They will tell me that they want to sit on my lap. They will tell me that they want a hug. They will tell me that they want to go, you know, to the store with me. They will tell me that they want me to sit by them and watch a movie. Like they will ask for my time. And as somebody who's always running around and I enjoy being busy and my mind is often solving, you know, for lots of things and I'm not.

I don't want to say not present. I'm present, but I'm just like thinking about stuff sometimes. I'm not always exactly where my feet are. And so it can be easy to only be there for my kids who are asking for my time. And meanwhile, in the background, my kids, my older kids are waiting for my time. They're, you know, reading before bed, wondering if I'll stop in and tell them goodnight or say prayers with them, or they'll sit in the family room and, you know, watch Shark Tank in our house.

And You know, not like in their head be thinking, I wonder if mom will sit down, but they're just kind of being still. And in those moments I found they're kind of asking for us to be with them, to be close to them, to be in proximity to them so that we can hear their experiences in their life. But they're much less inclined to ask for our time.

So I guess it's just a point of awareness for myself and sharing it with you if you have older kids. Realize that they may not ask for your time in the same way that they did when they were younger. and look for the cues of how it is that they're waiting for your time. I'm just paying a lot of attention to that right now.

Another place of transition for us is everybody's sleeping in a different bed. We took down the nursery. My high schooler moved into that space and it was Incredibly emotional for me to take the crib down. And since we've lived in this house, which was eight years ago, that room has been the nursery and there's been a little crib in there and there's been, you know, babies that slept in there.

And that space was where I rocked them. And I'm like kind of getting teary again, but. I think what I realized is, you know, having a career outside of the home, there was a lot of things during the day that I didn't necessarily always experience with them. Playing with their toys, or I didn't feed them every meal, I didn't give them every bath.

But almost always I put them to bed. And so that space was where I really, like, connected with them when they were young. And... It was weird taking it down even sitting here like three weeks later. I'm still choked up. It's weird Not weird probably normal And I also just realized that our kids were born in two different houses like I had babies at two different houses, they're so many years apart that there's a lot of things they didn't share, but that little crib was one of the things they did share.

They all slept in it. So anyway, I guess take time to be reflective. I'm just thinking on that right now. So everybody's sleeping in a different room. We moved beds. We bought new desks, you know, full length mirrors. What else? the things that teenage girls. Want and so we've been doing a lot of that moving kids moving stuff moving dressers moving beds moving moving moving things Which just puts another whole space in our house and transition which can sometimes create some mind clutter for me And then I don't know if this is the cherry on top or adding insult to injury but my sister was here for a month and she was sleeping in our guest room and And she's like, uh, Tiff, my socks are wet, so our basement, our guest room is down there, we had, like, a water issue, and so all the flooring has to be ripped up and replaced, and...

It's just kind of hilarious with that area is also like, the beds in the hallway There's the humidifiers running and it's just like holy moly. What the world so Yeah, that's a transition and in that I'm trying to make some space to be present for my teenagers and I guess just sit for a minute and allow myself to have some emotions about What some of this transition is leaving behind, but it's also ushering in a lot of like good stuff too.

I was just with my, my grandma, my mom's mom, she is going to be 93 this year. And, is in. an assisted living facility. And so we went, my mom and I and my sister and some big percentage of our kids went and just hung out with her a little bit this weekend. And I asked her, she's at that place of aging where her short term memory is.

Like, not super sharp, but her long term memory is amazing. I asked her, like, how old were you, grandma, when you had my mom? And she was like, 27. she like, answered it in like a heartbeat. and so I asked her, I said, when you were at our stage in life, you know, raising all these kids and my grandpa was a farmer and really involved in a big church that was in their community and gave his time to a lot of people and a lot of things and a lot of causes and they had five children and a lot of stuff going on.

My grandma was really smart and had a lot of grit and she did a lot of stuff and I asked her, what advice do you have for this season of life that my sister and I are in? And she responded pretty quickly. She said, Oh, Tiffany, she kind of giggled. She said, just that they copy your attitude.

Your kids copy your attitude. And I. Just thought that was so wise because it's true My kid told me this summer like mom everything is just so much more fun when you're in a good mood when I have Creative energy when I make the most mundane things fun

Okay amazing you guys I just I'm recording this on my computer and my text messages just came up And my high school freshman, her very first day, oh my word, amazing, just texted me and said, Mom, it went so much better than I thought, which makes me so happy.

I prayed so hard for her today. School was way better than I thought it would be! I'll tell you more when I get home. Oh my word, I'm so happy. oh my word, amazing. I'm so happy I'll go back to the thing with my grandma, but But it is like so easy when these kids are in these big transitions, like going to high school or starting with a new team or she's practicing with the high school swim team, which is like practices in the summer were co ed and there's like these senior boys and she's the oldest in her house, like all these new environments.

It's so easy to like want to protect them from those moments. And I keep telling myself and I keep telling her like, Aubrey. Establishing yourself in a new social environment is an incredibly important life skill to learn. So I hate for you that it is uncomfortable. Like I hate for you that you have to go through those moments where like, you don't know what shower to use after swim practice.

you know, the seniors only use certain ones or whatever the thing is. I hate that, but it is such an important muscle. And I think that as parents, we have to remember allowing them to be in uncomfortable situations and. Equipping them with an understanding, like this is practicing something that is going to be so important for your life if you're going to go to college and have new things that you explore having the confidence to be able to say, I don't know anybody, but that is okay.

I might be uncomfortable. Discomfort is not going to kill me. And. The process of putting myself in discomfort is something that gets easier every single time that we do that. And it has been, I guess like looking into a mirror and just reminding myself that It's important, A, for me to not get too proud and to remember, like, flex into new spaces and places with people, which I think I've come to love. And to remind our kids, like, you're practicing something that's going to be so important for your whole life. This is not just something you're going to have to do as a high school freshman. there's like 2, 000 kids in the high school. When we walked our schedule, it was like literally two miles.I was like, I have a blister. Oh, that's funny.

Um, okay. Anyway, sorry. Back to grandma. the kids copy your attitude. We're like real time Tiffany today, a little bouncing around. They copy your attitude. Kids copy your attitude. I just think it's so true. Moms and dads. I think moms can really set the tone. but it has just made me think about when I have moments  to extend grace to them when they're tired, too. To like, work to make things a little bit more fun. To just even like, smile when I'm feeling maybe just a little bit annoyed. to realize that this is such a short season. That they're going to be in my space. And I really do love them so much.

And sometimes I'm tired, but it's not going to be the end. So, anyway. A little bit of advice from Grandma Marcella is... That they, the household, the family, our businesses, the communities we lead, like literally they copy our attitude. And, so like, I think just a checkpoint to make sure that we're really thoughtful about reflecting on our own attitude and the way that we're entering a situation.So, some wisdom from Grandma Marcella. okay, in the like, column of things that come to my brain and then sometimes out of my face,

I was talking to some other business owners and I was talking a little bit about the summer, the season. It's just been busy. I would say my time has been really choppy. I have not felt like a grand state of flow, this summer. And I don't prefer that. And I said this, I said, it's important to give every day your best, but your best will not be every day.

It's important to give every day your best, but your best will not be every day. And it's. Those people, those of us, I want to say, this is me too. I want to make this true of myself that even on bad days, I still give it my best, even though it might not be that my best happens every day. But with the circumstances available with, you know, the amount of time that I do have with, I don't know, like for me, it's usually that a kid needed to be somewhere.

Else, other than home, exactly like 93 minutes apart all day long, like driving people around and coordinating my college neighbor kid to take them and pick them up. And they forgot a Jersey or whatever the thing is. It's like coordinating kids and bobbing and weaving my own commitments through that.

That's what my summer looked like. And I felt like some days like, man, I just, I'm like. Wishing for this state of flow, like nirvana state where my brain is just connecting and clicking and I'm just like firing, you know what that is not the season. I'm in right now. I knew it was going to be 2 months of a lot of disruption.

I had planned well for the summer, but some things did not come through as I expected. And so we needed to pivot very last minute. you the most blessed way had. So much family in the summer, a lot of really fun things that we got to do. And as a result, I was doing my work in. Very strange increments at very strange times on very strange days.

And I realized, wasting a lot of energy just being frustrated about that instead of saying, like, this is just the season I'm in. This is not going to be forever. This is probably not my best work, but in a lifetime of 50 years of working or whatever it is, there are going to be seasons where you just have to give it your best.

And as far as you can reach, you reach, and you let it be. Sometimes it's like that with our houses, like, you know, I like things to be ship shape around here. I like things picked up, I like surfaces clean, I like the floor swept, I just like, like it like that. And right now, as I said, the upstairs is all being shifted around, the basement is...

You know, it looks like we're moving out of our house because everything's up and off the floor. And it's like, you know what? That does not mean that the whole house needs to go to crap. But what it does mean is I'm going to have to give some grace and the spaces that just like are kind of a mess right now.

And so that's a physical manifestation. It's like very easy to see like, yeah, that just can't be perfect. But in our time, in our. priorities, there are seasons where it's just a little bit, the edges are a little jaggedy, and it's just not perfect. And I like this quote. I want to say it to myself again.  if I give every day my best, that's all I can do. And accepting that my best will not be every day. The very best I can do may not be what I can do every day, but I can do my best every day. guys, I think you know when you're doing your best and I just think, you know, and I think, you know, when you're using circumstances or things not being perfect to make excuses for not showing up at all. I know I can do that. It's like, I want it to be perfect or I just don't want to do it. And I've learned it's really easy to show up when you're well rested, well fed, you've eaten Excellent whole foods for the last five days. You had a chance to run a workout.

You took a hot shower. You love the way your makeup looks. just feel like great. Everything's great. It's really easy to make good decisions and show up well for yourself in that environment. It is a lot harder to make good decisions and show up for yourself when things are messy. But where you create distance in your life, where you create discipline your life, is the way that you show up when things are not perfect.

And I have to remind myself of that too. let's see. I talk about this concept of minimums. Meaning, like, in areas of your life, instead of identifying what are your goal behaviors, that you instead select your minimum behaviors, the things that you can do on your worst week as easily as you can do it on your best week.

Maybe not as easily, but as predictably as you can do it on your best week. That's the definition of a minimum. I use the example often of working out because it's really easy to picture. My minimum is. Lifting 45 minutes two times a week. I can get that done every single week. 50 weeks a year  that's my minimum. My goal may be 5, and so if my minimum is 2, and I actually work out 5 times, I hit my minimum and I got like 3 bonus points. It's the way that like my brain experiences it. Instead of if my goal was 5, and I only got in 2, workouts, that's like 3 demerits to me, to my brain. So figure out what your minimums are in the season of like mad transition, my kids at camp, family vacations, all the stuff.

I was able to maintain my minimums all summer long in the face of the most disruption and chaos. And that is a great test, a great test that your minimums are actually minimums. So if you're going through a season of transition, a season where like kind of everything somehow seems like it's undone. Like, even my trash cans don't fit in our garage, which is such a pet peeve of mine.

Like, literally everything is just undone right now. if you're still doing your minimums, then those are your actual minimums. So if you're trying to create your minimums... Look at your worst week and see what you do. You may find that your minimum is taking a 15 minute walk to the mailbox and back twice.

That might be your minimum, but be honest with yourself about what's your minimum? What's your starting point? And how do you maybe very incrementally? move it up from there, but My minimums have stuck lifting two days a week and it's like literally been just two days a week. And then, our food minimum of three dinners at home, one night of leftovers and then Friday night we usually go out.

That has also stuck pretty hard too. We've eaten at home a lot this summer and I'm really proud of that. It's healthier. It's less expensive. It's more together time as a family. it's just a muscle that works best for us when we eat dinner at home. And not everybody was around the table every single night, but, we were able to really stick to that and not just default to pizza and Chinese takeout.

So anyway, good test of minimums. If this is not a concept that you've explored yet. I really would encourage you to, it has really helped me in confidence of how I'm spending my time and like knowing I'm making progress towards my goals.

So. cheers. Here's to a, what hopefully moves from a season of transition to a season of, I guess just a little bit calmer waters, so that I feel like I can, maybe move forward a little bit more strategically on some things instead of  living a little bit more just in maintenance mode, but it's good. It's a good life. Love these crazy kids. hope that you are feeling encouraged. I read, I think there's like 140 days left in the year, which is a lot, a lot of days. So figure out what do you want to do between now and the end of the year? What gift do you want to give yourself and set some minimums and start to work your way there?

Thanks for listening.

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