No such thing as perfect parenting with Michelle Gambs

It's very courageous to say there's got to be a better way of doing this than what I'm doing now and to be open to new ideas because they're out there. If you're open to that, there are so many tools and ideas to prevent those things on the front end. If we just learn, give yourself time and patience to yourself to practice something different, it will feel natural and normal. That'll just be part of your new life with your child.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:30]:

I'm a small town kid born with a big city spirit. I choose to play a lot of awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor, and mentor. 17 years ago, I founded a marketing consultancy. And ever since, my husband, junior and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline. Yep, that means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you, too.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:05]:

I'm Tiffany Sauder, and this is Scared Confident.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:12]:

So I'm excited to try something a little bit new with what we're going to drop on the podcast feed. Today. You're going to hear an episode from Michelle Gams. If you've been listening to the pod for a while, you maybe remember that name. Michelle was on my podcast maybe six months ago now, and she talked a lot about, she's a parenting coach, life coach, and we talked a lot about my kids ages and stages. And she just had some great reminders for me as I'm parenting a three year old again and just some reorientation. Quincy is like one of those kids. It just requires a deeper toolbox than some of my other ones.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:48]:

And I felt like Michelle gave me some really easy, accessible things to do and try to just level up my parenting. So this episode with Michelle that we did like six months ago was one of the most shared, most downloaded, the one that people just emailed me about more than other episodes. It clearly struck a chord. And so what we're going to try is over the next three months, June, July, and August, we're going to have one episode that drops. That is Michelle teaching on another topic, teaching on an area, and we pulled podcast episodes that she had on her feeds and we're going to drop them here. We're going to try this. I think it's an awesome way to, like, lean into other experts. I love to share my lived experience.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:29]:

I love to share the antics from my everyday and what life has taught me. But there are also experts that I lean on and people that I call or text when I'm in a jam. And over the last few months, Michelle has definitely been one of those. And so I'm excited to bring her voice with a little bit more consistency for the summer into the feed. I think it's specifically relevant. I always kind of, like, ask myself why intuitively do I want to bring Michelle on right now with more presents? And I think it's like summer. It's like you're just with your kids more. They're just around a lot more.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:05]:

I'm always like, it's a little brace for impact. We're together more. My house is just looks like a bomb went off the whole ten weeks. And so it can just be a little bit more trying. And there's also, I think there's this pressure to have all kinds of summer fun alongside you, trying to do your, like, life and job and keep up with all the expectations in your professional life. And it can just, I think, sometimes be a little tension filled. So that's what's going to happen. This is the first episode where Michelle's going to be jumping on the mic.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:34]:

You'll hear her on it alone, talking about the topic of is there any such thing as perfect parenting? And so, like, you know, the answer to that question is like, no, but what does it mean for our minds and our energy when we're in this pursuit of perfect parenting? And what happens when perfect parenting is not the option most available to you because you're tired and hungry and you got home late and there's no food in the house, and all the things that happen when you know you are not your perfect self. I think I know you're going to learn something from this episode with Michelle as she, I think, reminds us all to give ourselves just a little grace. Listen in.

Michelle Gambs [00:04:19]:

Welcome to parented. I'm Michelle Guillaumes. Today it's me, and we're going to talk about improvement, not perfection. Improvement, not perfection. Improvement, not perfection. We as parents have some unrealistic expectations of ourselves. In fact, I wrote a book about this. We expect ourselves to be perfect or do these interactions with our kids perfectly, that we have these expectations that it's supposed to go well, and then we feel guilty or beat ourselves up when they don't.

Michelle Gambs [00:04:57]:

Okay, so let's talk a little bit about that. What type of preparation did you get to have this child of yours? We got the class to get them out. That's the class we took. Get them out. Now all of us as parents each have a moment of terror, you all know where your moment of terror was. Your moment of terror typically took place in the hospital, on the drive home from the hospital, or arriving home with your newborn. You know exactly where it was and what it was, and it's that moment of what are they thinking? I have no business taking this chat home. I don't know what I'm doing and I certainly cannot be responsible for this.

Michelle Gambs [00:05:48]:

I don't know how to do this. Everybody has that moment. We all do. I remember mine and it's terrifying. It's a panicking moment because all we did was get a class to get them out, and now they're out. And now what do we do? We pay more to train our dogs than we do to learn how to raise our kids. And what I'm encouraging you to consider today is that it is a courageous job to even say, you know what? I could do this differently. I could use some help here.

Michelle Gambs [00:06:25]:

I don't know what I'm doing. It's courageous for you to be listening to these podcasts at all. And it is such a gift to your child that you have some level of openness to learn something, because we don't know what we're doing. We don't. And I'm going to include myself in that. So I had my master's degree in counseling. Our daughter was one, and my husband thought it'd be a great idea for us to take a parenting class. We were in Houston, Texas at the time, and I was a school counselor for 604 to seven year olds.

Michelle Gambs [00:07:06]:

604 to seven year olds. That was my school and I was school counselor. So I thought, okay, sure, I'll take a parenting class with you. I'm not going to learn anything here. I was the most reluctant participant in the class, a five week parenting course, and thank goodness it was referred by our pediatrician. He figured it out, who it was, when it was, whatever. I thought, okay, I'll go, but I was just resistant and reluctant. Like, I'm not going to learn anything.

Michelle Gambs [00:07:35]:

I have my master's degree in counseling and I do this all day. I'm not going to learn anything here. Well, I became very humbled and I was so moved by the material that I learned how to teach it, and I've been teaching it for 18 years now because I believe so strongly in it. And I've had so many of me's show up in that class, so many of the partners that were dragged there by the other partner saying one of them is ready to learn something and knows that we could do this differently and doesn't know how. And that's been my job, is to provide tools in your toolbox, and you decide which tools to use when, with which kids and at what ages. So I just fill the toolbox and you get to decide if you're going to use the tool at all or maybe not, or maybe in two years you'll use that tool and that it's very courageous to say, there's got to be a better way of doing this than what I'm doing now. And to be open to new ideas because they're out there, if you're open to that, and it doesn't have to be as ugly as what's happening, or there doesn't have to be so much yelling, or you don't have to feel as guilty as you feel going to bed, and you don't have to regret what you said. There are so many tools and ideas to prevent those things on the front end.

Michelle Gambs [00:08:57]:

If we just learn, you know, just like you learn anything else. You learned how to type. You learned how to drive a stick shift. You learned how to drive a car. You learned how to knit. You learned how to do anything. And it takes time, and it takes practice, and you are completely ignorant at the beginning, and you don't even have a clue. Ignorance is bliss.

Michelle Gambs [00:09:15]:

I don't even know why I'm failing. I'm just failing. And this is not going well. And then you learn something new, how to do it differently. And it takes time to practice that, and you have to give yourself permission to do it poorly and to say words that are awkward, that sound like words that came out of my mouth, which I have. Parents say that, okay, Michelle, these are not my words, but I'm using them, and they sound foreign and alien. Keep using them anyway, because eventually they'll feel natural to you and it won't even be anything you think about anymore. It just becomes natural, like you do now when you drive a stick shift and you're talking on the phone or you're eating, because it's natural to you with practice.

Michelle Gambs [00:09:56]:

And so you have to be kind to yourself along that journey from ignorance is bliss. I didn't even know I was failing. That is. Yeah, I got to do this differently. I want to do this differently. Now I need help. Okay, so now I've got some tools. I know I could do this differently.

Michelle Gambs [00:10:13]:

So now I need to practice it differently. And with practice and time, okay, it takes at least 21 days to change a habit. Sometimes I'm told 40. Okay. Give yourself time and patience and kindness and gentleness to yourself to practice something different, because in 21 days or 40 days, it will feel natural and normal, and then you can move on to something else that'll just be part of your new life with your child. You won't be yelling anymore so much. You will be getting down on their level when they talk to you. You will be getting on down their level when you talk to them.

Michelle Gambs [00:10:48]:

And there will be less yelling in your house, because it's just natural and normal for you to do some of these tools that we talk about. So give yourself a break and practice. Take one or two of the ideas that you learn. One or two. That's it. Don't try to practice a whole bunch of new things, one or two. Until you feel relief from that stress. In your home.

Michelle Gambs [00:11:13]:

The stress has been reduced, and you feel less stress in that particular situation. So say the most stressful thing is bedtime. Then focus your energies on bedtime. We all have limited resources. We have limited time, limited money, limited energy. We have limits. So take your energy, your focus, focus it on that one thing. Improve bedtime.

Michelle Gambs [00:11:37]:

And when you feel relief from bedtime and you've practiced some of the tools with that, then move on to going to school in the morning or dinner time that isn't going so well, or the yelling or the disrespect or whatever it is that's going on, but don't try to tackle them all at once. Take one or two things, devote yourself to that. Relieve yourself, feel peace from that before you tackle the next level of things. So imagine, encourage parents to divide your issues that you feel like that are going on in your home into three bands. Okay, so visualize you've got this top wide band of these issues are the most stressful. Focus on those top issues. Focus on those one or two, and then when you get relief from those, move down to this middle band. And the middle band are the things that.

Michelle Gambs [00:12:34]:

Yeah, these aren't. Okay. I know they're not okay, but I don't have energy to direct at those right now. Okay, great. Let's stay focused on this top band. Feel relief, and then we'll move down to this middle band when we have the energy to do that. And then when you have addressed those in the middle band, you move down to these lowest ones that are details and tweaks. And you can do that because you have the energy and the space and the time to do that then.

Michelle Gambs [00:13:03]:

But you can't move down to these details and tweaks until you get to the most stressful, give yourself peace from the most stressful, and then work your way down. So I've had parents who have been coming to see me. I've been doing this for 18 years. So I have kids that have been raised with these principles and these tools for 15 years now. And so they still come to see me, some of them. And I'm thinking of one family in particular, and they have four kids, and they are phenomenal parents. And I always tell them when they come back, I say, you know, we're just tweaking, right? We are down here on the bottom. We are just tweaking this because you have got so much that's going right and so many tools and so many beautiful practices going on in your home.

Michelle Gambs [00:13:50]:

And of course, there's always going to be issues that you want to tweak and that you need to direct your energies and that they have new stages and ages and different things going on. Of course, just know we're tweaking down here, though. These are not significant, big, big things. So it's recognizing that truth about your own situation and work your way down. Okay? Improvement, not perfection. Improvement, not perfection. Improvement, not perfection. The piece that I wrote, this simple concept that I wrote this book about, it is a very simple concept, and that is that in each of these situations with our kids, we have a through D options.

Michelle Gambs [00:14:33]:

The a option is what these podcasts are about. The a option is best case, textbook best case scenario. Should you have the time, resources and patience to do a, then do a. That's the it went perfectly scenario. It's not always available. We have to be honest. B is the good enough option. B is given that this is the context of what's going on with everything, this is good enough.

Michelle Gambs [00:15:08]:

This was the seven or eight out of ten. It was good enough. It could be a five out of six out of ten. It's still good enough. C is do no harm. C is take a walk, go outside, say nothing to your child, do nothing, do no harm. Don't yell, don't shame, don't embarrass, do nothing, do no harm. D is harm.

Michelle Gambs [00:15:31]:

D is yell at them. D is spank them. D is humiliate, shame them. So a through c options all work for you. Just steer clear of D and you're doing fabulous parenting. Fabulous parenting is a, b, or c, because that's the truth of our lives, is we don't always have the time or the resources to do a. So it's okay. To give yourself a break, do b and c rocks.

Michelle Gambs [00:15:58]:

C still rocks. Because that's the best I could do, is lock myself in the bathroom and breathe and collect myself so that I could come out and say or do something that I wouldn't regret. So the doing no harm prevents the things that I regret. Like we talked about earlier, I don't want to say or do things I regret. So I want to extract myself from this situation, go lock myself in the bathroom or the bedroom or whatever has a lock, as long as everybody's safe out here and collect myself. Because the truth is, I'm 100% responsible for what I say and what I do. No matter what. No matter what, I'm 100% responsible for what I say and what I do.

Michelle Gambs [00:16:40]:

My kids were both under five. I had my niece thrown into the mix for a week while my sister took my other niece to Disney World. So I had her for a week. And so then I had three kids under five. And I know many of you do this out there and your rock stars at it. Me, I wasn't used to having three kids under five. That was the week that I bought the hook and I at the hardware store for a dollar 79. And I installed the hook and eye on the inside of the bedroom door so that I could lock myself inside the bedroom when I was losing it, so that I wouldn't lose it on these beautiful children that didn't deserve my outbursts of frustration or impatience or whatever.

Michelle Gambs [00:17:27]:

So there was hysteria on the outside of the door. And that's fine, so long as they were safe, which they were, and they're crying or upset because mommy has locked herself into the bedroom. And I needed to take my own calming time to gather myself so that I would say or do things that I was proud of and that I was in integrity with myself and that I wasn't ashamed or regretting. So it's giving yourself permission to be where you are and still taking personal responsibility. That no matter what, I'm responsible for what I say and what I do, and that our job is only to improve from where we are. It's not to be perfect. It's just to own what we're doing and improve it if we can. And it's okay to be where we are.

Michelle Gambs [00:18:14]:

So, congratulations for listening and trying to do things differently. And give yourself a break about that. Focus on one or two things that you're working on and leave the rest for another time when you have relief from these other ones, and you can move down to those when you have the time and the resources and the patience which you may not have right now. So don't do it all. Feel relief and encourage yourself. You're doing a fabulous job because you're really intentional about your parenting and you want to improve and you want to learn and you want to invest more in your children than you do in your dog training. So way to go. Seriously, I celebrate that for you.

Michelle Gambs [00:18:56]:

And way to go. There's lots of resources out there. Stick with it. You got this. And thanks for listening.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:08]:

If you love what you're hearing from Michelle and are thinking about maybe reaching out to her a little bit more directly, I'd encourage you to. In show notes, there is a link to a contact form that will go directly to Michelle and you can chat with her about whether picking up her book, taking one of her online courses, or maybe having a few sessions with her. They can be in person or remote. She's got all different ways to kind of access what she knows and how she can help. I know Michelle would love to hear from you. And the link is in show notes. Thanks for listening today.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:35]:

As always, thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:46]:

I will.

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