Live by design, not by default with Kate House

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:00]:Hey, it's Tiffany. If you've been listening to the show for a while and find yourself thinking, geez, I wish there was more good news. You can sign up for my newsletter. It's filled with my favorite products, recipes, tips, and stories to help encourage you as you build your life of and the link is waiting for you in show notes. See you there.

Kate House [00:00:18]:I'm not changing. I'm choosing. And I don't want to choose this anymore. And so for me, that began this process of working through and just deconstructing these perfectionist tendencies. And finally, maybe for the first, getting clear on what I actually wanted and how I wanted to feel as I started and woke up and began my day and not what was expected of me. Even if those expectations came from a good place, in the end, it served me better to get in alignment with, like, who is Kate in this season of life, and who does she want to grow into?

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:52]:I'm a small town kid born with a big city spirit. I choose to play a lot of awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor, and mentor. 17 years ago, I founded a marketing consultancy. And ever since, my husband, J.R., and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline. Yep, that means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you, too.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:27]:I'm Tiffany Sauder, and this is scared confident. Okay, guys, I'm so excited to have Kate House join me on the podcast today. Kate lives in small town Pennsylvania, but her life is anything but small. She's a wife in a two career home. She's got two little boys. Host of the live by design podcast casually, a top 2% show, a behavior change specialist and an empowerment coach. Her mission is to help women move from feeling stuck and overwhelmed to living a life with confidence and clarity. I love how you say you help women live by design and not by default.

Kate House [00:02:05]:Yes. Yes. It's on my heart to do that. I jokingly say that I had a quarter life crisis at 25, but, like, right when I turned 25, I had a quarter life crisis, and I realized it was because I was kind of defaulting through my life and ticking all the boxes that were expected of me, but that didn't actually align with who I wanted to grow into. And so now that I've gone through the process of reorchestrating and designing my life and living intentionally, I'm like, how can I help others do the same? Because on the other side of it, it's so beautiful to live in that kind of space of alignment and empowerment.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:40]:I love that. If I would have shown this bio to your 22 year old self, what do you think she would be most surprised to see on there?

Kate House [00:02:48]:Oh, my goodness. I think she would be. Oh, gosh. I think she would just be so surprised that I felt confident enough to just show up exactly as I am and not as this polished, perfectionist self that I really wrestled with at that age. Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:04]:How did that come out? Can you talk about that for a little bit? I think that's, like, at some point, I think we all carry that bag, and that just has different mileage. I used to always joke I couldn't wait to be, like, 80, and I was going to wear, like, one big earring and, like, just wear crazy. And I think I'm, like, closer to that in my forties.

Kate House [00:03:22]:Yes.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:23]:Yeah. Tell us real quickly and then we'll jump into some of the work that you do.

Kate House [00:03:28]:Yeah, absolutely. Well, I found that I definitely had a lot of perfectionist tendencies, and that was really applauded when I was younger. Right. I'm the oldest in my family. Straight ace got the quote, good job after college, and it was great for somebody who. That was what they wanted to do. But for me, I felt like I was living to fulfill other people's expectations, and I was trying to do it perfectly, which led me to feeling burnt out. It led me to feeling a little, like, resentful almost.

Kate House [00:03:56]:But more than anything, I just felt really stressed and overwhelmed. And I remember having this moment of sitting on my couch in Illinois at the time with my husband, crying. I just didn't even know what to do. I remember him rubbing my back and just telling me, like, I wish there was something I could do to help. That was kind of like, we don't all get a light bulb moment, but that was my light bulb moment of, like, oh, what? I'm not changing. I'm choosing, and I don't want to choose this anymore. And so for me, that began this process of working through and just deconstructing these perfectionist tendencies. And finally, maybe for the first time, getting clear on what I actually wanted and how I wanted to feel as I started and woke up and began my day and not what was expected of me.

Kate House [00:04:40]:Even if those expectations came from a good place, in the end, it served me better to get in alignment with, like, who is Kate in this season of life, and who does she want to grow into. And letting go of the perfectionism was a big part of that cause. Showing up and doing it messy and a little scared, I've learned, is kind of the secret for me in terms of action, creates clarity. And I was so stuck in inaction because of the perfectionism, and that was really the linchpin I needed to get rid of.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:08]:Oh, man. I am hearing your words so specifically right now. We have a plan for this episode, and I want to still have that plan. But you said what? I'm not changing. I'm choosing. Oh, my word. I talk about there's two different kinds of change. The change that happens to us, and we lose the muscle and the ability to create proactive change in our lives.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:29]:I love that. What? I'm not changing. I'm choosing my oldest daughter. I am a firstborn. You're a firstborn. I would love to know what percentage of podcast hosts are firstborns. It has to be, like, an overwhelming.

Kate House [00:05:43]:Yes.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:43]:It's the same bag of stuff that comes with it. It's like a riot. But she's 15, and I am looking at her saying, in three years, not that she'll be totally on her own, but you're going to need to make choices and decisions. And she loves the rubric that school brings. The rules are very clear. Winning and losing is very clear. That subject is determined. The tests are clear, and she loves that environment.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:09]:And when it's not that clear, she really struggles. And this, like, action creates clarity. I'm, like, trying to figure out, how do I get her in that, even the shallow end of that pool? I don't know if you have any quick advice for me or as you have gone through this journey, like, parenting your boys? So I don't know anything on that.

Kate House [00:06:25]:Oh, my gosh, I love this question so much. Yeah. So I would say. I would ask her, do you feel a tug or a pull towards anything? And then creating the time or the space or the opportunity to explore that further? So, for me, I've had this happen a number of times in life. Like, when I turned 25 and I had my, like, crisis of identity, I quit a beautiful career that just wasn't the one for me, and I became a yoga teacher. I had never taught yoga before, but I had this kind of tug on my heart of, like, this would be really wonderful. Like, wouldn't it be cool if. Right.

Kate House [00:06:58]:That's a great prompt, too. Wouldn't it be cool if she gets stuck with, like, what do you have a tug for if she's like, I don't know. Like, wouldn't it be cool if. And then you fill in the blank and wouldn't it be cool if. Or listening to those little tugs led me to becoming a yoga teacher and loving that and then wanting to go deeper with my students. So then I became a health coach and then wanting to reach more people, and that started the podcast. But with each step in my journey, I've had this little tug. And the first time when I wanted to be a yoga teacher, I was afraid to say it out loud because I was so stuck in that, like, that's not what was prescribed for me kind of mentality.

Kate House [00:07:32]:And my husband was the one who turned to me one day and was like, I think he'd be a really good yoga teacher. And I was like, well, funny story. I would love to be a yoga teacher. And then when I wanted to start my podcast, I didn't tell anybody because I felt self conscious about it for whatever reason. And my best friend texted me and was like, hey, I think you should start a podcast. And I was like, oh, all right, universe. Like, I'm listening. And now I'm finally, you know, ten years into this journey at a point where I can listen to those little tugs, and I don't need somebody outside of myself to help me recognize it.

Kate House [00:08:02]:But sometimes we need those people when we're not quite clear on what are my core values, what do I want from my life. Sometimes we need those guides, right? And what a gift to have them. And so beautiful that your daughter has you to kind of help her start to tune into that.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:16]:Oh, we're a riot together because I live in the gray kind of on the full time, you know, like, I just love a mess figuratively. And kind of. I can, like, guess at a place to start. And I'm okay with that failure cycle. And she is so black and white that I sometimes feel like I must be speaking a different language. She just looks at me, we're navigating it. She's amazing, kid. And I'm so proud of her.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:41]:But I am finding, I think there is a different vocabulary that I'm going to need other than the one that makes sense in my head. So I'll try these. I'll try these.

Kate House [00:08:50]:Yeah, right? And then maybe she tried something, and she's like, you know what, mom? You know, what I learned from this experience is that I don't like this or I don't want to do this. And sometimes that's really helpful because maybe that'll help steer her more towards what it is that she really does.

Tiffany Sauder [00:09:04]:Thanks for that. So I asked Kate. So she has a live by design blueprint. So it's like your course of sorts that you take people through and you talk about goals with soul. And so I asked her, I said, Kate, instead of us giving us, like, an academic, overstanding overview of what that is, would you take me through the process? Not the full course, but the goals with soul? And what does that mean? And I think I'm at a place where some of this guidance could be helpful in my own journey as I'm unpacking this decade in a different way and jumping into some things that are, like, a little scary. And so, anyway, so Kate offered to do that. So that's what I think we're going to do now. Is that right?

Kate House [00:09:45]:Yes. I'm so excited, and I love your willingness to do things scared. I think sometimes the word scared gets a bad rap, but sometimes the thing that we desire is, like, just outside of our comfort zone. And I know I told you on my show, you know, I have a tattoo that says do it scared. Right. So I'm here for this. What a beautiful thing to do. Do it scared coupled with somebody else.

Kate House [00:10:05]:Right. To get to, like, link arms with a coach or a podcast or whomever and get to kind of walk through it together. So I'm so excited to dive in. So the first thing I would ask you, Tiffany, is for coaching. I always think about coaching as being forward facing. Right. So we're looking ahead to the forward, whereas therapy and work like that is past oriented. So as we look forward, the first thing we want to do is establish where we are now.

Kate House [00:10:29]:So right now, how is it that you're feeling, you know, when you wake up and you start your day, what, like, three or four words would you use to describe that?

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:37]:I feel energized. I feel like I'm looking through a foggy telescope.

Kate House [00:10:43]:Okay.

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:44]:That would not be an adjectives, but you can feel that.

Kate House [00:10:47]:Yeah, absolutely.

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:49]:And where I feel guilt in my life right now, it's that I think being still and present is very hard for me, naturally. And in this season and stage with my kids, I know they need it from me, and I would give myself, like, a c minus at it.

Kate House [00:11:08]:Okay.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:09]:It's not that I'm not here. I used to not be here. I've worked hard to be here. But there's, like, a stillness and a waiting and a patience that it feels very out of reach. And it is not because I can't, like, physically, meaning, like, I'm in such a habit of hurrying.

Kate House [00:11:28]:Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:28]:I don't actually know how to not. I'm seeing. I think I'm manufacturing some of that for us. I don't love it.

Kate House [00:11:37]:Yeah. So if I were to mirror it back to you, you wake up, you feel energized, but you have a little bit of that foggy telescope feeling. That's such a beautiful description. And then you have a desire to feel more present and patient and just like, being where your feet are, but there is a little bit of a difficulty getting there. Does that sound right?

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:57]:Yes, 100%.

Kate House [00:11:58]:Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:59]:Cause I, like, I don't feel blindfolded. I feel like I know directionally where I'm going, but I just can't see it as crisply as my confident achiever wants to see it.

Kate House [00:12:09]:Yeah, yeah, I totally. Oh, man, you're preaching to the choir. You know, it's funny, Tiffany. Cause a lot of the women that I work with, the word presence and being present, I would say 70% of the time, is one of the things that the women I work with have a desire for. But we were in that kind of hustle mentality. So just all that to say, you are not alone, friends, and I'm really excited to do this together. So if currently you feel energized, which is awesome, you feel like your direction, but you'd like it to become a little bit clearer, and you have a desire for presence. Twelve months from now, Tiffany, when she wakes up, how does she feel?

Tiffany Sauder [00:12:46]:I used the analogy earlier when I was kind of explaining this to you. I feel like I'm walking across a bridge, like, leaving some certainty and familiar, like, land, and going to a new one. And I feel like I'm walking with some trepidation. Not because I think it's the wrong bridge. I just don't know how fast to run. I think I want to feel a sense that my time and attention is wholly reflective of my priorities. And I had shared with you. I think the work I do and my natural tendency is to be able to physically make the space for time, like, physically move things away.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:22]:So I'm like, I've got eight more hours back, and now I'm not totally knowing how to use that stillness more strategically, I think. Yeah, I think I want there to be a settledness. For me, leading a team is a lot, but leading teenagers, there's a certain consistency, I think, that they need to have from me. And I'm, like, pretty consistent, but there's a certain, I think just peacefulness that I need to have.

Kate House [00:13:52]:Yeah. Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:53]:So that they just know there's space for them, so.

Kate House [00:13:57]:Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. So the desire is to have your time and your attention reflect your priorities and to feel that settledness and that peacefulness. It's really beautiful because I can see the connection between how you feel currently and the desire you have for the future now, even though coaching is forward facing, there are things we can learn from the past. So I'm curious, Tiffany, if there was ever a time in your past when you felt that connection, like your time and attention reflected your priorities, or if you felt that sense of peacefulness or settledness, has that ever been something that you were like, oh, I feel like in this time of life, maybe I had a taste of that. Or is this maybe something new that you're exploring?

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:36]:I think there is this correlation, for me, in intense clarity when things are really hard. Okay. So when there is, like, in fight or flight on fight, and so when there is a battle, there is a clarity that comes for me that is like. I think that's why I've been able to be successful. Sometimes it doesn't need to get as bad as I let it, but I am so good in the war.

Kate House [00:15:00]:Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:00]:And I think that I just have been like. I think that's connected to this restlessness that I create. I don't know. I can't see it all, honestly. But that's in my own sort of diagnosing. Like, why can't I just be restful? Is there's clarity for me when it's hard. I'm so crisp, I'm so clear when my back is against the wall, when we're resource constrained, and I'm in a place where I'm doing a lot of things because I want to and not because, like, I have to. And so how do I create that same sense of clarity, confidence, articulation for myself in abundance and not just in scarcity.

Kate House [00:15:37]:Yeah, I love that. Well, because life has this tendency, right, to ebb and flow. And so it sounds like when it's ebbing, you know what to do, right? Like, you're great in a crisis. Right? Like, when the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm calling you.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:50]:Yeah, I'm here for it.

Kate House [00:15:51]:Yeah. But then when things start to flow and things are no longer needing to be dealt with in the exact same way, there's a little bit of resistance there. Does that sound right?

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:02]:Yeah. I think I have a hard time creating right sized compartments for things. You know what I mean? Like, I can get 100 things done if there's only six minutes, but I can't get anything done if there's a whole day.

Kate House [00:16:14]:Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:15]:So I think knowing how to create that restfulness and compartmentalization of, like, I've decided that these are going to be the hours where I let myself just be and I don't need to be processing something task oriented.

Kate House [00:16:33]:Yeah, I love that. And can I ask, do you work from home?

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:37]:I'm kind of all over the place, so I'm home a couple days a week usually, but I also have an office that I go into. I'm very flex.

Kate House [00:16:45]:I love that. That's awesome. Okay, cool. So future you, your time and attention reflects your priorities. You feel that sense of subtleness and peacefulness. And I love how you just, you set that time to just be. So if you were to set an intention for the next twelve months, and that's the beautiful thing about this kind of practice, just as an aside for your community, is sometimes we think that we can only set goals or set intentions in January. You can do this for the next twelve months, any day of the year.

Kate House [00:17:12]:It could be a Wednesday right in the middle of the year. So when you think about the next twelve months, if there were one word or two words or short, saying that really summarizes that intention, is it presence? Is it peaceful? You know, is there a word that comes to mind for you?

Tiffany Sauder [00:17:31]:The word that came to mind actually, that I think is c, meaning like, the girls can be like talking to me and I don't even actually see them. I feel the words whizzing back, you know what I mean? But I am like, my brain is on something else. I'm thinking about something. I'm like making a grocery list or something. So I think it's like seeing what's there right now.

Kate House [00:17:58]:I love that. That's beautiful. That like, gives me goosebumps in like a really good way. Okay, so if we think about future Tiffany, twelve months from now, Ceeze, right? She is where her feet are. She is in the moment. Her mind is where her body is, what are. And I asked this question because typically we know what it is we want or need to do in order to achieve that. It's just a matter of figuring out within ourselves what is that? And then creating the plan to implement it.

Kate House [00:18:27]:So I always start with the annual intention because that becomes how you said it's a foggy telescope, like the direction you're heading. And now we're going to create. How do we actually get there. Right. So if we were to think about what are some tangible things that help you feel more present in your day, in your mind, in your body, or in your relationships, what are some of.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:48]:Those things I'm thinking about, like, my marriage as a parallel, I guess I'll just, like, export some things I've thought of and then some things I'm thinking about, like, what keeps my husband and I connected.

Kate House [00:18:58]:Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:58]:Shared experiences and, like, just new adventures. Just something new where you're seeing something together for the first time. I think that, for me, is a point of connection. And compared, like, just. I like new stuff.

Kate House [00:19:13]:Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:14]:I mean, I've thought to myself so many times, like, I just need to, like, put my phone in a box between the hours of x and x, and then I'm like, right. But usually there's a kid not home, like, almost always because my older two are in activities. And so it's very rare that everybody's here and I'm like, I can put my phone away because it's fine if nobody can get a hold of me.

Kate House [00:19:37]:Yes.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:37]:I don't know if that's head trash, but I think that's real, actually. So I've also thought about deleting social media off my phone. That that is maybe something to experiment with. I could convince myself that was a good idea because I don't think I look at it a lot, but I bet I do. I bet if I went and actually looked at the stats of my apps, I think you can do that, right?

Kate House [00:19:56]:You can? Yeah. Totally.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:58]:I think our family works. So, like, there is a heavy routine to our family because we're in the school calendar and we just are this heavy routine. I think that our family does so well when I have the energy to break routine. So, like, on Tuesday night to, like, get three games out of the closet and be like, we're going to pick one of these and pay it for half an hour. Like, just break routine.

Kate House [00:20:20]:Uh huh.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:21]:I think that breaks the cartilage open and just us just behaving as a family instead of being a family.

Kate House [00:20:27]:Yes. I love that.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:29]:So those are things that came up. Yeah.

Kate House [00:20:31]:Cool. I love that.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:32]:So these are new ideas I hadn't had. So that was.

Kate House [00:20:34]:Yeah. Awesome. Well, that's why I asked that question is because sometimes it takes slowing down and saying it out loud in a safe space to play around with it. Right. And sometimes you might even say something that you're like, actually, no, I don't think that's a great idea. Or it could be like when, as you were sharing and you're like, I could be convinced to take social off my phone, right? Like, these are the things that sometimes we just need the space to explore, right? And the reason I ask this question is because what I like to do is take this annual intention of c and pull it out into quarterly goals. Because, you know, as somebody like you who's a real doer, having something really tangible to work towards, I find to be super helpful because it gives us that chance to have something that we're striving for. That's specific.

Kate House [00:21:18]:But when I talk about goals with soul, I'm not like, smart goals are great, but to me, a goal with soul is aspirational. Future Tiffany can do it, but maybe current Tiffany's like, well, this is a little new and different, but it's also attainable. So it's something that, like, if you put some effort into it, you can do it. It's meaningful. Your why behind this is so strong. Like, it's meaningful. You want that connection and that presence with your family. And the last thing is that it's seasonally appropriate.

Kate House [00:21:43]:So when you talk about, my kids are in school, right? Like, that is a season. And so, like a 30 minutes game time is seasonally appropriate, whereas we're going to go, you know, the aquarium today, right? Like that maybe, isn't it seasonally appropriate? So that's why we think about these goals with soul. So if you were to choose, and this is always hard, especially for those of us who like to have, like, 20 things on our to do list, but if you were to choose two goals for the next three months, that by the end of three months time, this is something that regularly happens for you out of this list of shared experiences, new adventures, experiencing things for the first time together, your phone, and just having the energy to break routine, would there be maybe two things that you're like, I would love to work towards to add on to that, my challenge to you would be maybe one thing that you do that's just you. So that might have something to do with your phone or social. And then one thing that has to do, like, on the family side, because it seems like maybe these things work well together.

Tiffany Sauder [00:22:41]:That's great, because that's where my head was going. I think deleting social off my phone for a quarter is actually takes like maybe 14 seconds to make happen.

Kate House [00:22:50]:So even better.

Tiffany Sauder [00:22:51]:There's like, that's very easy to execute.

Kate House [00:22:54]:Yep.

Tiffany Sauder [00:22:55]:I talk about minimums in my world and you got it. Like, what's your minimum. I think the one. I don't know if once a week is too high of a minimum for me to commit to this sort of, like, break routine thing. It's like, at least 30 minutes of break routine activity.

Kate House [00:23:10]:Once a week. Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:12]:I'm gonna spot, like, those reusable water balloons. Have you gotten those for your boys?

Kate House [00:23:16]:Oh, my gosh. They're the ones that, like. Yeah. They're so good.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:19]:Magnetically clicked together. Yeah. Hello. Where have you been all my life?

Kate House [00:23:22]:I know, right?

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:23]:Although I am a little panicky when they, like, lose one because they're kind of expensive. I was like, that would be the only thing that would be better, because I'm like, guys, there were 26 of these, and now there's only 20. I was like, I was a little psycho about that. Maybe just let them have fun. But if I put my suit on and went outside and had a water balloon fight with them, they would die.

Kate House [00:23:45]:Yes.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:46]:So I think that's it.

Kate House [00:23:48]:Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:49]:One night a week, 30 minutes of break routine.

Kate House [00:23:53]:It's amazing. So then the last thing that we do is we take this annual intention of seeing. Now we have our two quarterly goals. Deleting social and the 30 minutes a week to break routine. Now we want to pull it down into a daily or a weekly habit. So we can talk about habit stacking and loops and all the things, but basically, what is something that you can do each day that supports this desire? So maybe, for example, the habit with, like, breaking routine for 30 minutes. Maybe that's every Sunday. You look at the calendar ahead and you choose, okay, this is the best night to break routine.

Kate House [00:24:28]:And if you delete social off your phone, that's almost one where, like, that doesn't even have to be a daily habit, because once it's off. So the habit is just like, don't redownload it, I guess, you know? Like, that one's actually kind of love how straightforward that one is.

Tiffany Sauder [00:24:42]:Totally. It's like, there's nothing to manage after that choice.

Kate House [00:24:45]:Yeah, yeah, totally.

Tiffany Sauder [00:24:47]:Just don't reload it.

Kate House [00:24:48]:Yep.

Tiffany Sauder [00:24:49]:I'm really anxious, actually, to see. I think there'll be, like, an embarrassing detox, actually.

Kate House [00:24:56]:Have you ever read the book how to break up with your phone?

Tiffany Sauder [00:24:59]:No.

Kate House [00:24:59]:Oh, that.

Tiffany Sauder [00:25:00]:I don't know if I'm ready to.

Kate House [00:25:01]:Yeah. And so it helps you create healthy boundaries with your phone. And it's one that my husband and I keep coming back to time and time again because it's like something I'm continually learning how to, like, have in my life. But in a healthy way. So maybe that's a second quarter goal.

Tiffany Sauder [00:25:16]:I know, maybe. Yeah, maybe that's the second quarter goal to read it, because it's like, it makes my life so mobile. I can keep things going, maybe too easily. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I need to put things in their box. I don't know. This would be a great thing to try.

Kate House [00:25:30]:Yeah, this will be fun to try. James clear talks in atomic habits about the importance of spaces. So, like, the idea of, like, this is the space where I work and this is the physical space where I work out. Like, at the gym.

Tiffany Sauder [00:25:41]:Right?

Kate House [00:25:41]:Like, when you get into the gym and you switch into, like, this is my time for me, this is how I invest in my future health. Right? So I wonder if that's something that could kind of play into it in the future, too. Is like, as you say, like, maybe it's too mobile. Is okay. How can we have the space that's like, this is when I sit down and I check social.

Tiffany Sauder [00:25:56]:Do you find that's practical for your life? Like, I hear that and I'm like, yeah, I am a long way from that world. I do go to my workout, but the rest of it is like a life casserole.

Kate House [00:26:07]:So I find that when I let a lot of the lines blur for me, I have trouble keeping up with everything because it's like, I read the email, but then my four year old needs this tushy wiped, right? And so then I don't get to respond, and then it's like I'm drafting the response in my brain, but then before I get to send it on my phone, then there's something else that's pulling me away, right? And so I love setting a timer. This sounds, like, so silly, but, like, I can set, I've got one on my desk and I'll set like a 30 minutes timer and I'm like, all right, for the next 30 minutes, I'm just going to deal with my inbox and I'm just going to get as, like, as much as I can in this amount of time. And then when it's done, it's almost like time blocking, but it's like a game with myself. Well, how much can I get it done in this time? And that helps me because otherwise I find when you talk about presence and, like, seeing the person in front of you and your brain not being like, for us high achievers, it can be really hard because our brains are going a million miles an hour. And I find if I can say, like, this is the time for this task. Then I can then kind of press pause on it mentally and then move on to the next thing. And sometimes the next thing is like, I'm going to go to t ball practice and I'm going to actually watch my kid play t ball and not be trying to post the real. I didn't post earlier in the day.

Kate House [00:27:19]:Right.

Tiffany Sauder [00:27:19]:Completely. You know, the things.

Kate House [00:27:21]:Yeah, totally. And so I find that that helps. It's not perfect. I'm definitely not perfect at it, but I find that it gives me a little bit more space in my mind and there's a little less of that, like, monkey chatter.

Tiffany Sauder [00:27:33]:Okay, well, I think that's just freeing to say it so clearly.

Kate House [00:27:38]:Right?

Tiffany Sauder [00:27:38]:That's how I feel right now.

Kate House [00:27:40]:That's awesome.

Tiffany Sauder [00:27:41]:It's like there's. It's freeing to feel. I always feel like, I would say a vulnerable admission of the problem is the first step to solving it. Haven't taken the time to articulate it even so clearly to myself. Starts for me to be able to see it more objectively versus it just being this feeling that lives in me. So really powerful. Thank you.

Kate House [00:28:00]:I love that. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. And so, like, that's exactly right. That's the first step. So you've got your intention of seeing. You have your desire, your quarterly goals of taking off social, and that 30 minutes breaking routine once a week.

Kate House [00:28:13]:And then your habit is planning that 30 minutes break at the start of each week and then just not redownloading the apps. And then my challenge to you, like, I like to call it soul work because I've done enough homework in my life. Like, what is the soul work? My soul work to you would be just to check in with yourself, like, say, every 14 to 21 days, check in with yourself and be like, how does this still feel? Right? Because here's the thing. We can set these goals with soul, but life ebbs and flows, like we said. So if a season comes up where things get really hard or you have more capacity, you know, it gives us a chance just to check in with ourselves. So every two to three weeks, check in with yourself. Like, how's this feeling? Does this still feel expansive and abundant? Or is there tension here? Is there a little tweak I can make right to make it a little easier, flow a little simpler for me? And then at the end of the three months, you get to decide, like, is this something I continue forward? What did I learn through this experiment in this process that I want to pull forward? What do I want to leave in the past and say, like, that was a great experiment, but maybe that's not right for this season. And then you get to come back to your intention of c and decide what those next quarterly goals are because, you know, they say 21 days to make a habit.

Kate House [00:29:21]:But when you have four kids and you're running a business and you're doing all the things, like, it takes me more than three weeks to make that happen. Like three months. At the end of three months, I can have it really solidly part of my life, and I need that before I try to layer anything else on.

Tiffany Sauder [00:29:36]:Yeah, I love that. Start small. It's so good. Well, if somebody wants to go through this process, like they're hearing me go through my business and saying, I need this, too, what does that look like? Kate, how does somebody engage with you either in one to one like this or in a group setting? How does that work?

Kate House [00:29:53]:Oh, thank you for asking, Tiffany. I appreciate it. Yeah. So my website is the best place to start. So it's Miss Kate house. Ms. Kate house. Just like a house.

Kate House [00:30:01]:There's another Kate house out there, and she beat me to Kate house.com. So that's why I miss Kate house. And I have my coaching programs on there. So I offer a one on one coaching retainer. So if you're somebody that's like, you know what? I really just want to work one on one and just go deep right away like we just did. That's available. And then I also offer a monthly membership, which is my group coaching program. It's called the live by design collective.

Kate House [00:30:22]:And so we do this exact same thing, but we do it in a group setting. The women in there are amazing. I've had it for three years, and our retention rate's insane because people come and they make connections and they stay. And it's like if personal growth curriculum and learning, like married a coaching program. So, like, we learn together, we grow together. And if you want that kind of regular touch point in a group environment, that's a great place to do it.

Tiffany Sauder [00:30:47]:Amazing. Well, this has been so helpful for me. Thank you for the gifts of your talent.

Kate House [00:30:50]:I'm excited. Of course. I'm going to, like, email you in 30 days.

Tiffany Sauder [00:30:53]:I know. I'm here for it. I'm here for it. I was getting ready to maybe say I'll update, like, my listeners as I go through this, but I want to get organized and, like, put it in my calendar so that I can actually operationalize this.

Kate House [00:31:05]:I love it.

Tiffany Sauder [00:31:05]:Okay, let's part with you, sharing a tip from your two career home. How can you help? Something you and your husband do, you and your family. Anything you'd offer up to my listeners?

Kate House [00:31:15]:Oh, I love this. So, for our two career home, my husband and I started a couple's gratitude practice, like, four years ago. It was during, right when the pandemic hit. We had a ten month old, we had a two year old. We were doing all the things, and we were just like, past capacity, right? And so we were like, what if we just pause each day to acknowledge the good in the day and say it out loud? But then it became this thing where I wanted to say something good about my husband and he would want to say something nice about me. But then we also wanted to be like. But then there was this other thing that was good. So the way we do it is we say, the thing I'm grateful to you for today is.

Kate House [00:31:50]:And we tell the person what we're grateful for. And it can be something as simple as, like, when I was cuddling Conrad on the couch and you brought coffee over to me. Like, that was really nice. Like, I really appreciated that, which is probably what mine will be today. And then we say, and generally, I'm grateful for, and then that's usually something outside of our relationship. And it sounds so hokey, but it's just like, you're acknowledging each other, you're holding space for each other, and it can even be. I mean, there have been days where we're like, I'm really grateful that we had that really hard conversation that we needed to have, because I feel so much better now where we have clarity now. Right? And so it's not always like, oh, I'm grateful for the rainbows and butterflies.

Kate House [00:32:26]:Sometimes you're grateful for the more challenging things because you're getting to grow together. And it's such a simple thing. And even if, like, my husband's a gamer, he plays call of duty at night with his friends. It's like his social outlet. He plays in our basement because they're so loud. It's hilarious. And so sometimes, even if we're doing our own thing at night, it sounds ridiculous, but we'll text each other inside of our own house and be like, I'm going to bed. Here's what I'm grateful to you for is what I'm grateful for in general.

Kate House [00:32:53]:So you can make it easy, right? You can just fold it into your day in whatever way.

Tiffany Sauder [00:32:57]:I love that. That's so special, Kate. The people we love become what we say about them. If I complain to my friends about my husband, that's what I'll remember about him. And if I speak of him in a way that's like, this is what I love. And that 87%, that's amazing. You know, then you see more of that. And so I think it's amazing.

Tiffany Sauder [00:33:15]:So practical, so easy. Such an easy lift. So thanks for sharing your gifts, for sharing your tip, and maybe we'll have you back. Do a check in on how.

Kate House [00:33:22]:That's right, yes.

Tiffany Sauder [00:33:24]:Seeing into the future. So thanks, Kate.

Kate House [00:33:26]:Thank you, Tiffany.

Tiffany Sauder [00:33:30]:So let's do a quick recap on this conversation that I just had with Kate. So she talks about goals with soul, which, as you said, on the surface, sounds like a little granola, but it's, like, really awesome. Actually, there's four aspects to a goal with soul. One is it's aspirational, it's obtainable, it's meaningful, and it's seasonally appropriate. That last one in two, career, family. For it to be seasonally appropriate, for the capacity for this amount of change to happen inside of the, like unit that is your household and your family, it's, like, really important. So I thought that was awesome. Goals with soul are aspirational, obtainable, meaningful, and seasonally appropriate.

Tiffany Sauder [00:34:07]:And to do a quick summary on the process that she took me through. Look at the future. Well, look at today. How do you feel today? Capture that. Close your eyes. Read your body. What does it feel like? Second question she asked me is, how do you want the future to feel? What do you want to look like when you're one year from now and you're looking back at yourself and you're saying, holy cow, my life has changed. In what way? Setting a daily or a weekly habit to move you towards that goal and then setting a reminder to check in with yourself every two weeks.

Tiffany Sauder [00:34:36]:So I'm putting this stuff on my calendar. I am being a student in this, and I'm excited if I can move myself forward from being very cluttered and just feeling like my mind is going all over the place and being settled and being able to just see my day and my people. As always, thanks for listening in to this episode of Scared Confident. Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared Confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.

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