Mom guilt and other working-mom real-talk musings

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:01]:

Welcome to Scared Confident. I'm your host, Tiffany Sauder. The question I most get asked is probably, how did I know I was supposed to be a working mom? And what do I do with mom guilt? And another episode I'm going to do is, like, I got a great question about, like, what decisions would I make again, the same way? And what regrets, if any, do I have? I need to outline that episode because that's a great question. But today, what I want to do is it's kind of some musings, just like, some externalization around these questions of, like, how do I handle my mom guilt? What do I think about, honestly, instead of feeling guilty? Because I don't really feel guilty. I feel like I've chosen this, and I feel like I've seen enough different ways of doing life to know that there are none that are perfect, that in every choice that you make, staying home, working full time, working from home, working part time, working with your spouse, whatever it is, whatever you pick, that there are some things that are really awesome about it, and there are some things that really suck about it, every single option. And so I think the secret to life is really figuring out how do you own your choice in a way that you begin to put your energy towards making that choice the very best thing for your family. And how do you put things in place so that the values that you have for your family, the way you want it to feel like to grow up inside of your home, that those things ring as true as possible inside of the house and the family that you're creating. So I've just got a couple of papers in front of me that have some, you know, one liners that come to my head as they do.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:56]:

And so I'm going to talk around those and some of these things. I might look back in three years and say, I don't know. I think about that differently now, but right now, this is where I am. And maybe some of these thoughts and the ways that I think about my life and the way that I think about in the context of my kids in our family, maybe these will be helpful to you. So I don't know. Here we go. So one of the things I wrote down was, I really want my kids to be capable. I feel very capable as an adult.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:26]:

As a kid, I felt very capable. My dad was very comfortable putting us into all kinds of risk. Like, we drove pickup trucks when we were, like, 1415 years old. We drove machinery around way before we could drive. It was like, would be dark out, and I would want to go on a run? And he would be like, what do you think, there's, like, bears out there that are going to eat you? Like, he just pushed us into things in a way that I think was very productive for my adult self to feel very brave going into all different kinds of situations with all different kinds of people. And so I really want my kids to be capable. And so I think sometimes not being there to say yes, not being able to do every possible thing for them, to not always be there to, like, coddle them, to be able to say yes, to be able to pack their lunch, to be, like, to do everything. I think not being there and having my own stuff that I have committed to doing holds me accountable to my goal of raising very capable kids.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:29]:

Maybe this is some twisted way of making myself feel good about not being there sometimes, but I just want them to be able to be tough. I want them to be able to navigate situations on their own in a way that they can get their bearings. A micro example of this is my almost nine year old went to a camp, and I was working that day, and the nanny needed to just drop her off. I mean, she walked her into the building and into the gym, but couldn't stay the whole time. And Ivy was, like, kind of unnerved by that. Like, would have felt most comfortable if somebody would have been on the sidelines watching her the entire time. So that if she got uncomfortable, if she got nervous, if she got hurt, that there was somebody there instantly to comfort her. So that is not inherently a bad thing, but I want them to be really capable.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:18]:

And so I was able to talk to her, to be like, look, ivy, you are going to need to get to know strangers in your life. You are going to need to be able to approach authority and ask for help from people who, other than your parents, you are going to need to be able to learn how to make friends in a group of people where you don't know anyone. This is part of not just learning volleyball, but also learning about how life works and how the world works. And I think had I been home and otherwise kind of not been engaged in something that I had to do, I think I would have sat on the sideline and watched her the whole time and been there to, like, coddle her. I just think I would have. And so I think being a working mom, when I think about those moments where I can't be there exactly to coddle them and to make everything safe and to remove danger from the world and make sure that they're as prepared as possible. I remind myself that's not really my job. My job is to raise capable kids, and sometimes that means allowing them to be in discomfort so that they can learn to that I can navigate this.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:27]:

I don't have to have a friend, I don't have to know everybody. I know how to be in these situations and not only be okay, but be great, I can navigate this. So anyway, that's one of my things. So I to me, it reframes it a little bit in a way that feels like, ah, I'm really doing this for them. So anyways, okay, the second one that I wrote down is that my kids are part of my world, but they are not my whole world. So this sounds maybe a little bit awful on the surface, but what I have found is that it's a lot of pressure for your kids to be your whole world, because at some point they are going to leave and rightly have their own lives and you are going to be left with your life. And they are part of my life, and my kids are a very important part of my life, but they are not my whole life. Just like being a mom is not my only role and it is not my identity.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:27]:

It is certainly a big part of who I am, but it is not the core of who I am. And I think sometimes in these seasons of we're so busy, so many of our time, and so much of our time and resources is taken up rightly by our kids that it can accidentally become our sole point of identity. And that is a scary thing, because at some point, they need to be able to go and live their own lives where you are part of their life, but you are not their whole world. And I'm beginning to experience this. I feel like as our oldest has, like, gone away to some week long camps and she has met friends and had some really powerful experiences that I was not a part of, and I will never be a part of those, and she will share them with me. And it's important to her that I know about them, but she is beginning to have relationships and be formed into a person that she has been touched by things that weren't me, that weren't of my making, that weren't of my creating. And that is healthy and good in the way that God designed our families to be and us as individuals, to be like we're part of one another and we are there for one another. But my sole purpose is not just to serve them, that is part of it.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:48]:

So again, there are other ways to accomplish that. But I remind myself of that when it's like I have gifts and I have callings on my life that are unique to me and they are happening in the same season as my calling to be a mom. I really believe that. And so instead of lamenting that, instead of feeling guilty about that, instead of being bugged by that, how do I do as good of a job as I can at honoring those callings and honoring those spaces and honoring the priorities that move me towards the way I want those things to be and the way I like, I want to be proud of those things. So, anyways, that is another thing that I wrote down. The other thing I wrote down is I see being a family. I would say junior does, too. We see being a family as a team sport.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:42]:

We all have points to score. Like, we all have a way to put, like, points on the board. We all have a role to play, and we all have work to do. It is not my job as the mom to make sure everybody else is okay and that they get their priorities met and they get their clothes bought and they get their chores, then they, like, my job is to set it up so that we all can function and we know what plays are being run, what points on the board look like, what each individual players objectives are in this season. Like, I think there's actually a lot of, like, very literal parallels here. And yes, sometimes I'm the head coach with the clipboard and a whistle and calling out the shots of what needs to happen, but everybody has a role to play. And I think that my own urgency and energy towards building this environment in our family and telling my girls, I have goals for my life, too. I have things that I want to experience in life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:09:46]:

I have health priorities right now in this season that are important to me, that I need your help making sure that we have the space in our home to do those things, too. Like, I am also a customer of our house. I think there's teaching in that because at some point they're going to be likely, they would say today that they want to be a mom with a family. And so I want to teach them how to create the environment where the family is a team sport. We're all participating in it. And again, I think being a working mom has created the tension point for me to force me growing and putting the systems and structures in place so that we can really operate like this. Like, really, really, really operate like this. This is an accidental commercial for the life of ant academy.

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:35]:

But that is literally what I teach inside of the academy is how do you set up systems so that you aren't micro solving every single day, but you're system solving for the most ordinary stuff so it can happen over and over and over again with as light a lift as possible. And when I started to see our family like a team, and I started to see myself more like a head coach who needed to call plays instead of everybody's position coach, maybe. I don't know. I'm trying to think of a good comparison or like, antonym, I know it's not even the right word, but, like, alternative to the head coach. What would it look like instead? Anyways, I can't think of it, but that you get the idea that, I think, has really created some very deep pillars of the way our family behaves. Because I'm like, if I am going to work, then we have to operate in such a way as a family where I can do that and we can still be really connected as a family, which means everybody has to be able to play a part in that. So that's the third thing I wrote down. I think Tara and I see this a little bit differently, but also, I guess I wrote down this.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:37]:

I said, delaying day one delays any outcome. I feel lucky. Well, I think quick starts, like, quick starts, there's this thing called the Colby index. It's like a. I don't know if they would call it a personality profile, but it's like a tendency profile Colby Kolby, and in there, it measures your quick start, which means, like, what's the distance between an idea and an action? And for me, it is a very short period of time between an idea and an action. So I have to be careful sometimes that I don't have. Just do a bunch of different stuff that is, like, not related or not aligned with my goals, because I can be like, oh, I have an idea, I'm gonna go do that. That's, like, the downside.

Tiffany Sauder [00:12:18]:

The upside is that you actually do do a lot of things. It's just sometimes you can do too many things. And I think that getting started on my career and my job and having the courage to at least begin some things, it allowed outcomes financially to happen earlier in our family. And when I say, like, delaying day one delays any outcome, meaning, if you just think about doing something for three years, you have delayed any outcome of any action by three years. If you decided to start just a little bit on day three instead of year three, and maybe it's only a 15% of your capacity or you're making one small start, or you're adding one client, or you're figuring out how to make $150, whatever. The thing is, I think a lot about how delaying day one delays any outcome. And so I'm motivated by how do I get as clear as fast as possible on what a day one start looks like, so that I can begin getting out of the classroom and into the, like, actual world of figuring out what works and what doesn't. So that when I can put 100% of my effort towards it, I know a lot more.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:42]:

And honestly, this podcast is like a great example of that. I started pushing record four years ago, and I really didn't know what I wanted to do with it. I didn't really know who I wanted to reach. I didn't really know anything about content in, like, business. I didn't know about podcasting. I just didn't know about anything. I just said, I'm going to push record and I'm going to at least get in the habit of creating content. And with that, it will probably get better.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:12]:

Because even if you're a really crappy runner, if you run every day, you kind of can't help but get a little bit better at it, you know? And so it's sort of like that same thing, like, well, if I just start, I'll start to learn more about what am I running into and do I actually like this and what's coming forward for me and who is reaching out and who is being impacted. I think I'll just know more than staying in the version that's just like, let's read the Internet about podcasting. So I started with very little clarity, honestly. But I started, and because I started could get a little bit more clarity, and I could get a little bit more momentum. And it was very much on the side, very much not a revenue stream, very much like fit into the very tiniest margins of my time in my life for a couple of years. And then as I made the transition to element three, Kyler stepped into that president role. I already had something that I really kind of understood a lot better. And I wasn't starting from completely day one because I already had like a 24 month head start.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:20]:

So maybe, maybe I only got like the equivalent of nine months of progress had I done it full time, you know what I mean? Because I just did it part time for a couple of years, but I knew so much more once I could do it in a more full time capacity. It's still not full time, but like, more certainly than I was before. So I don't know. That's how I think about stuff, is delaying day one delays any outcome. And so how do I have the courage to start, no matter how small, to at least begin to test? What do I like about it? What's happening? How is the market receiving me? Can I even get paid for this? Do I hate it? Like, who knows what you'll learn, but just get started. So last thing I'll talk about, it's, like, related but unrelated, but it's definitely been part of my journey, so I'll talk about it. Somebody said something to the effect of like, hey, I really feel called to be a working mom, and I love my job and I love my career and I love my kids, but they grew up and are part of a church community. And a lot of times in church communities, and I have, my grandpas were both pastors.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:26]:

Our faith is a really big part of our lives. It's a big part of where our friends are. It's, you know, we go to church as a part of our weekly routines, and it's a big part of who we are as a family. And so I understand what she says when she says, in a lot of church communities, being a working mom can almost be seen as, like, lesser than or you're not doing it right if you're not home with your kids. Because culturally, it seems a lot of times in christian homes that the wife decides to stay home and raise the kids. There's nowhere in the Bible that it says that. And I find great, just, I think, energy and clarity in my own life's calling. When I read stories like Esther and how God used women in such powerful ways, not just in the home, but politically, and to bring countries together and just, I mean, in really, really, really big, significant ways, God used women and their talents and their courage and their words.

Tiffany Sauder [00:17:28]:

God used them in big ways. And so I just feel that calling on my own life and talents, it's not to say that I'm Esther, but it is to say I see evidence that God uses women in really big and powerful ways. And so I trust that in my own life journey. But it is true that finding friendships that are really close, you know, at church and in those places where they're doing Bible studies during the day and they're going to different programs that may be happening from, like one to three in the afternoon, and it's like, there's no way I can do that. And, like, years and years and years and years and years go by, and that's not how your week is constructed, those relationships naturally change a little bit because it's just not. Your day to days don't match in exactly the same way. So this is not to say that there isn't some complexity in that. I definitely felt that at times, but I just had to go back to my own clarity in my own calling and say, you know what? In almost every season of my life, I've been called to something different.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:37]:

It's just how my life has mapped. And I am trusting that I am in God's will with this. And if I'm not with this choice, if I'm nothing, I want to give him permission to get my attention so that I change that choice. Because it is a big deal for your family, it's a big deal for your life. It's a big deal for your kids. It's a big deal to choose to work outside of the home. And it's one that I do think God cares a lot about inside of our lives. And so that was how I navigated it.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:08]:

And, you know, I find some of my friends who stayed home when their kids were young. They decided to go back to work after their kids were in school. And I became a really important person in their life. To see that you could do it as a christian woman, and you can do it as a mom who's really involved, and you can do it in a way that looks like you want it to look. And so I have found God has used my story and my own choices to show those who feel called to this life of working outside of the home that it can look like this. I don't know exactly how to say it in a way that doesn't feel self glorifying, because it's not about me. I think it's just about staying true to the path that I've been called to. Even in seasons where the road had a lot of thorns on it and it was really hard and that it was kind of lonely, and I've just seen purpose in that.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:04]:

So I don't think that's an answer. I guess it's just a reflection, and hopefully it comes across as encouragement. Anyway, these are Tiffany's morning musings on my own journey and choosing to be a working mom and the way that I think about the family that we're building, and. I don't know, I feel really blessed to be in this season of life and to feel, like, really clear in the choices that we've made as a family. So, anyway, I hope this episode is encouraging to you, as always, if you have questions. I always love to hear from you. Instagram DM's is a great way to do it and I hope you'll share this episode with a friend if it touched your life. Thanks for listening and go crush your version of your life of and thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared confident.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:55]:

Until next time, keep telling fear you will not decide what happens in my life. I will.