Real Talk with My Daughters: Growing Up in a Two-Career Family

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:00]:

It's interesting for me to hear you guys reflect on our lives, for sure, but also that the prospect of, you know, if you're called to work outside of the home, and that's what it looks like for you, that you see that as being this adventure of exploring your talents and abilities and having impact on the world. And so that makes me feel happy.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:23]:

I'm a small town kid born with a big city spirit.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:26]:

I choose to play a lot of awesome roles in life. Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor, and mentor. 17 years ago, I founded a marketing consultancy. And ever since, my husband, junior, and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline. Yep, that means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you, too. I’m Tiffany Suder, and this is Scared Confident.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:05]:

We're recording this episode on my birthday, and I was home this morning, and my girl, I told the girls that, hey, we got some questions from people who responded to our newsletter request of, like, hey, give us your questions that said, hey, I want to hear from your girls. So today's the day we're gonna do it. The girls are on the pod, the souder girls, except for the. And the crowd goes wild. So welcome, girls, to the podcast. Quincy's not here. Baby girl's not here. Whoop, whoop.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:37]:

But it's probably better. Okay, so the older three are here. So let's start, girls, by saying your name and how old you are. Just if people don't have context, that way they kind of know where you're at in your ages. So your name and age. Yeah, start oldest.

Aubrey Sauder [00:01:50]:

I'm Aubrey, and I'm 15.

Ainsley Sauder [00:01:52]:

I'm Ainsley, and I'm 13.

Ivy Sauder [00:01:54]:

I'm Ivy, and I'm eight.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:57]:

Yep, perfect. And then I'm gonna have you guys describe. So, again, if you're just tuning in, we've got four girls in four different stages. High school, middle school, elementary, preschool. So older three are here. And I want you guys to describe another sister in the room so that people can kind of know, like, what you're like. Cause I think getting to know somebody just, like, is helpful. Context.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:18]:

So describe the sister on your right.

Ainsley Sauder [00:02:21]:

Okay, who wants to go first?

Aubrey Sauder [00:02:22]:

Okay, I'll start. So, I have to describe Ivy. I would say that she's really funny. She loves to dress up and wear dresses. She loves to play Barbies and American Girl dolls and legos and pretend play. And she really likes sugar. I would say that's pretty much, yeah.

Ainsley Sauder [00:02:46]:

Okay. Should I go next? Okay, so I'm describing Aubrey. Aubrey is, like, really loyal. Ivy thinks she's boring, but I think she's, like, fun to talk to. I think she's fun to talk to, and she gives really good advice on things, just cause she's, like, been through more life than I have, so I can kind of go to her for a lot of things.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:05]:

Aw.

Ainsley Sauder [00:03:06]:

And she hates it when I steal her clothes. She's a really good swimmer, and she's a super good singer.

Aubrey Sauder [00:03:13]:

Thank you.

Ivy Sauder [00:03:14]:

I'm describing Ainsley, and I think she's really kind, and she always makes time to play with me. And she's good at volleyball. She's been teaching me a lot, too.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:30]:

Okay, so the question that we got from someone was, what is it like to be raised inside of a family who has chosen a life of and. And a mom who has chosen a life of and? So, can one of you guys explain, in your own words, what a life of and is, like, how you guys. What words you guys would say? Just. You can just one of you do that?

Aubrey Sauder [00:03:53]:

Okay, so I've been nominated to do it. So I would say that a life of and is just, like, when you choose to have, like, a lot going on, like, you choose to kind of, like, multitask in your life, like, have more than one interest or, like, be more than one thing. Like, for example, I'm going to be in show choir next year. I'm on swim team. I'm, like, in my church's youth group, and I'm, like, a student. I feel like I have a lot of ands in my life, and my mom has a lot also, and my sisters do, just because it's the way that we've been raised.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:32]:

So what does it feel like to, like, be in our house in a day? So we've chosen this big life. You guys are involved in a lot of stuff. Dad and I have a lot of commitments. What does it feel like to be in our house in a day?

Ainsley Sauder [00:04:45]:

I feel like there's structure, but it's not necessarily. It's definitely not the same every single day. Like, especially in the summer. During the school, you kind of know what to expect, but during the summer, there's just so much free time. So, like, sometimes we'll be on the pod, and some days we'll just be at home watching little girls. And I think that the other thing is just kind of accepting that you guys aren't going to be home all the time, like, our parents just aren't, so we have to just find other things to do, which I think we've gotten really used to it as we've gotten older. I feel like when I was younger, it was definitely a lot harder just because that's, like, when everything was starting up. But now that we know ways to spend time to each other, it's fun.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:26]:

What are the things that you would point to when you say there's structure, but not every day is the same? What are some things that are structured that you would point to?

Ainsley Sauder [00:05:34]:

Well, we make sure that we go over the calendar as a family, and then, you know, at least a rough draft of what's going to happen. But I think even in the day, things can change. Like, in the morning, our grandparents will be like, hey, do you want to go to the pool with us instead of doing something else? And then it would be like, yeah, sure, whatever.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:50]:

But we're in summer right now, so that's a lot more flexible. Would you say during the school year? It's less.

Ainsley Sauder [00:05:55]:

So definitely more predictable in the school year.

Aubrey Sauder [00:05:58]:

I also feel like we all have our own practice schedules, and so that's one thing that's scheduled and doesn't change as much. Like, we all go to practice. Like, Ivy has a little volleyball team, and Ainsley plays a volleyball, and then I'm on swim team. So it's like those things definitely keep us busy.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:17]:

Would you say dad and I are on the spectrum of, like, add every single thing in the world to, like, completely unavailable?

Ainsley Sauder [00:06:26]:

It's different for both of you. You come to more things than dad can. Well, actually, for me, it's like dad comes to more of my travel, volleyball, but he's just gone a lot more than you are. He's just out of state a lot more, and he has, like, a lot of more dinners and stuff. So it feels like he's there for a lot of the big events, but he's not there for a lot of, like, dinners and stuff.

Ivy Sauder [00:06:46]:

Kind of, I think, yeah, I kind of thinking, what? Like, ainsley's thinking, like, you're here for most of the events and stuff, and then, like, dad's here for more of the, like, bigger events, like birthdays and stuff like that.

Aubrey Sauder [00:07:04]:

I feel like dad definitely does more sports things than you do. Like, if somebody's gonna go to a swim meet, it'll probably be dad. Or, like, a volleyball game or take us to practice. I feel like that's more like dad. Like, not that you don't go. But if it's gonna be just one person, it's probably gonna be dad.

Ainsley Sauder [00:07:22]:

Yeah. I think he really values watching us pursue our sports life of. And I guess so. I think that's kind of his role that he plays.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:32]:

Does it bother you that we're both not at everything?

Ainsley Sauder [00:07:34]:

No. I actually like having dad at sports more than I like having you. Not in a mean way, but just in a way where he has a lot of sports experience. I think he's, like, a really good coach. But then sometimes I also just need you to be my mom because he can be. He's just very coachy, and he wants us to be the best we can be. But I think sometimes, like, I just need my mom to tell me, you're doing great, you know? And if it's, like, been a hard day or something, like, the team's not doing great. It's just like, it's nice to have my mom be like, it's okay, tomorrow's a new day.

Ainsley Sauder [00:08:05]:

Like, you're working really hard. We know you're gonna be good. Like, just stuff like that. I think it's nice to have some reassuring after all of the what I could do better.

Aubrey Sauder [00:08:14]:

I feel like I like it when the whole family watches me swim, especially if it's a bigger meet. Everybody came to my championship meet during high school season, and I really liked that. The little girls got kind of bored, I think, because it's really long, but.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:36]:

I think sometimes parents can feel guilty that they're not at every single thing for every single kid. And we have made a choice as a family that that's just, like, it's not practically something we're gonna try to do, because it's, in my mind, it's just, like, not sustainable for the way our family is set up. And it's kind of like figuring out who loses. Like, the little girls lose if they have to be at a meet all day long, you know what I mean? But you have to lose if we're not all there. So do you think parents should feel guilty about that? Or how do they get, like. Cause it's kind of an understanding or, like, an agreement in our family. Like, you're not. Like, I feel like you're not disappointed I'm not there because you don't think I'm going to be.

Tiffany Sauder [00:09:17]:

I don't know how to say it, but you know what I mean? Like, should parents feel guilty about that or.

Aubrey Sauder [00:09:22]:

Definitely. They don't have to feel guilty about it. Like, it's totally fine when like, everybody's not there, especially if it's just like, I don't know, like a normal meet or like a normal tournament. It's a lot to ask for everybody to be there every single time.

Ainsley Sauder [00:09:36]:

Yeah. I do think, though, definitely being there every single time for every single thing is a lot to ask. But I think, let's say you have twelve tournaments every year. Like, this is how it is for me. And the whole family comes to three of them, then that makes me feel, like, loved and important. Cause I like seeing my sisters when they can see me improve and, like, see me be a leader. And I know whenever I go to watch Aubrey swim, it's like I'm surprised by how much she's improved and how much time she's dropping. And, like, even when I met my privates and I, like, watch ivy out of the corner of my eye, like, play volleyball, it's just like she's getting so much better.

Ainsley Sauder [00:10:08]:

So I think when the family is there at least a couple times to support, like, one kid, it makes the kid feel really seen.

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:15]:

That's a great way to say that. What is some advice that me or dad, like, routinely give you when it comes to, like, your sports and school and that kind of stuff?

Aubrey Sauder [00:10:25]:

Okay. I feel like mom says to me a lot that I have to choose my hard.

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:29]:

That's right.

Aubrey Sauder [00:10:30]:

Like, all the time. She says that because. So I'm going to be doing swim and show choir next year. And swim takes up a lot of time and I really like to sing, but doing show choir and swim is going to be, like, really hard to do, especially because I'm taking some harder classes next year. It's going to be really hard to keep up with all of it. But it would also be hard to watch my friends do show choir and not do it. Just be in the audience instead of on stage. That would be really hard, just in a different way.

Aubrey Sauder [00:10:59]:

So I kind of had to choose my hard and choose the time management hard over the emotional. Watching people do it when I can't be.

Ainsley Sauder [00:11:09]:

Yeah, I feel like I have two from dad and one from mom.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:12]:

My heart is bursting.

Ainsley Sauder [00:11:16]:

One from dad definitely is be the best player on the court and, like, that gets me pumped up for a game and stuff. And then if I'm going to training and it's like early in the morning or late at night, he's like, ainsley, you put in this work while your friends are sleeping in. You put in this work while your friends are at the pool hanging out so that you can be the best. So that you can be the best in the region. You can be the best in the state. And that just makes me. It gives me so much, like, energy, almost, like, then the adrenaline gets flowing, and it feels like I'm in a movie. Cause it's like, this is my sports montage, where I'm just gonna go crazy and work super hard and do that stuff.

Ainsley Sauder [00:11:55]:

And then. So, yeah, like, dad kind of pumps me up for that. And then, mom, I feel like you're just, like, play your own game. I feel like, all, like, the whole time. And just, like, stay mentally tough, especially if it's been a rough tournament and my team has, like, kept losing and stuff. You're like, just play your own game. And that helps a lot.

Tiffany Sauder [00:12:14]:

I feel like, okay, so I want to transition to kind of what it feels like in our house. So I would say. How many days a week would you say there is somebody in our house that does not live there?

Ainsley Sauder [00:12:26]:

Seven.

Aubrey Sauder [00:12:27]:

I feel, like, every day, but, like, Sunday, there's not usually people, but, like. I mean, I guess Saturdays are, like, family days sometimes, but usually there's, like, a grandparent visiting or something like that.

Ainsley Sauder [00:12:41]:

It's more weird to me when there's not a car in the driveway that's not ours. When our driveway is empty, I'm like, whoa. It's like we live in a desert. It's so weird.

Tiffany Sauder [00:12:51]:

So we have a lot of people into our house. We have, like, who do we have come into our house?

Ivy Sauder [00:12:56]:

We have Lexi and then, like. And then Finn. Yeah. And paige and, like, a grandparent or, like, an aunt.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:03]:

So who is Lexi?

Ivy Sauder [00:13:05]:

Lexi is one of the babysitters that we've had.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:09]:

Have. We had a lot of babysitters, yeah.

Ivy Sauder [00:13:11]:

Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:15]:

Do you like that we've had a lot of babysitters, ivy. Or how do you feel about that?

Ivy Sauder [00:13:19]:

I like that all the babysitters that we've had, because then it's like, each one brings a different vibe.

Aubrey Sauder [00:13:27]:

Personality.

Ivy Sauder [00:13:28]:

Yeah, and personality.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:29]:

Yeah. They have, like, different ideas of what to play and things like that.

Ivy Sauder [00:13:32]:

Yeah. Like, one of our babysitters, like, brought barbies every. Every time they watch dust. And Lexi is just kind of a go with the flow girl. Yeah. She likes to work out, go outside and do fun activities.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:48]:

Do you feel like there's too many babysitters in our house, Ivy?

Ivy Sauder [00:13:52]:

Not really. I feel like. Cause not all of them are available at all the times. And the ones that we used to have but aren't our main anymore. Like, we still use them when we need one. Like some of our other babysitters. Like Chloe and Nancy and Tess.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:15]:

Yeah.

Ivy Sauder [00:14:16]:

Yeah. And Tess.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:17]:

They still come into our house.

Ivy Sauder [00:14:18]:

Yeah, they still come. Sometimes.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:21]:

Do you and Quincy feel like you can tell mom and dad, like, if we've been gone too much and, like, hey, we've been with babysitters too much? We kind of need you guys to stay home or what does that feel like?

Ivy Sauder [00:14:32]:

I feel like we can tell you guys, hey, we need some time with you. Cause you've been gone doing this and this.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:39]:

And do you feel like when you say that, that we listen?

Ainsley Sauder [00:14:41]:

Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:42]:

Is there anything in our family that you would change?

Ivy Sauder [00:14:46]:

No. I like how it's planned and how we always have a day of the week where it's just a family day. And we're all in the late afternoon, we'll all settle by the couch to watch basketball or something.

Aubrey Sauder [00:15:05]:

Yeah. I feel like, I like how our family operates. One thing that I do feel like we could change, though, is we used to go out to dinner as a family every Friday night or every other Friday night to spend some family time. And I feel like we could bring that back.

Ainsley Sauder [00:15:19]:

I agree with the dinner thing for sure. Also, I kind of feel like it might be fun if we do things, like, other than dinner. If we maybe. I remember one Saturday, we all went to the country club together, and we played, like, pickup basketball, and we did dunk competitions, played volleyball, and that was super, super fun. So I wish we could do more active stuff like that. And I think that's so fun.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:43]:

Dad and I are usually available these days. It's the two of y'all that are gone.

Aubrey Sauder [00:15:47]:

Well, yep, pretty much.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:50]:

We could schedule it more, though.

Ainsley Sauder [00:15:51]:

You're right.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:52]:

I agree with you. What advice would you guys give other working parents, especially moms, like, how, you know, like, moms and dads. Like, we want to be really good parents. We want to create environments that you guys are thriving in. We want to create environments where you feel secure and loved and safe. And we also have, like, our own lives and careers that we're trying to move forward. And so there's a constant trade off and choices that are made every single day by adults about what it's going to look like. So what advice would you guys give moms and dads that are trying to do their best for their kids?

Ivy Sauder [00:16:33]:

I think to have a family meeting to go over the week and go over what's happening that day and, like, make sure everyone knows that's, like, a.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:45]:

Really important part of the week for you. As an ivy?

Ivy Sauder [00:16:47]:

Yeah. Because I, like, know what's going on and, like, know if I have, like, a playdate or something or, like, if I have a choice.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:54]:

Like, yeah, if you have a choice to make.

Ivy Sauder [00:16:57]:

Yeah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:57]:

And you also, like, knowing, like, when dad is gonna be gone and when he's gonna be home.

Ivy Sauder [00:17:01]:

Yeah.

Ainsley Sauder [00:17:01]:

Mm hmm.

Aubrey Sauder [00:17:02]:

I feel like just letting your kids know that, like, they can tell you if, like, you're gone too much or something, because I feel like then nobody feels guilty, nobody feels out of the loop and that sort of thing. I feel like it's helpful to be, like, actually, you've been gone for a while. Can we just stay home and, I don't know, just have a family night tonight? And usually the answer is yes, they can move stuff around to make time for us.

Ainsley Sauder [00:17:29]:

I feel like, honestly, you just kind of have to accept that sacrifices are hard. Having life abandoned is hard. If that's what you're trying to have as a family. Don't hide that from your kids. Make sure that they know you are going to make some sacrifices. So sometimes it might be, like, not be 100% what they want it to be, but you also need to make sure that you're putting them in the position where you feel like they can talk to you and that they can be super open with you, even if you're being busy, because the last thing you want is for your relationship with your kids to weaken or not be as steady just because you're choosing to add more things into your life. So I think that. And then I like what Ivy said, like, definitely making sure your family knows the plan for the week so no one's, like, caught off guard.

Ainsley Sauder [00:18:10]:

Like, I didn't know we were doing that. You know, it's just, like, everything flows a little bit better if you're honest with your kids and make sure that they know they can talk to you.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:19]:

If you were to use one word to describe what it feels like to be in our family, what word did you use?

Aubrey Sauder [00:18:24]:

Busy.

Ainsley Sauder [00:18:25]:

Busy?

Ivy Sauder [00:18:27]:

Yeah, probably like, busy. But also, we always. It's busy. And also, we always make time to be together as a family at least once a week.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:41]:

What's your favorite part of the day, ivy?

Ivy Sauder [00:18:44]:

Probably when we all get have our family time together. Cause that sometimes isn't every day.

Aubrey Sauder [00:18:51]:

I feel like I like it when everybody's home for dinner. We can just talk about our days and stuff. That's my favorite part of the day.

Tiffany Sauder [00:18:58]:

What's your favorite part of the day, ivy or Ainsley? I always call them the wrong name. It's my thing.

Ainsley Sauder [00:19:03]:

Probably either, like, waking up in the morning. No, no. I love slow mornings. But if we're having brunch, I love brunch.

Aubrey Sauder [00:19:14]:

That's not every day, though.

Ainsley Sauder [00:19:15]:

But I love just waking up after I've slept in, and then if we're going to the pool or if I have something to look forward to, and then also what Aubrey said, at the end of the day, if the family's home and stuff, and we can all just chill if we're going out to dinner, and then we can all get ready and then leave, like, that's so much fun. And then, like, dessert.

Aubrey Sauder [00:19:36]:

I also like just chilling after a long day and, like, watching, like, shows together. Like, right now, we're watching the Olympic trials, which is fun. I feel like that's just.

Ainsley Sauder [00:19:47]:

I like having a sister show, too. Like, the show that we watch together when we're sisters, when it's just us.

Tiffany Sauder [00:19:53]:

Yeah.

Ainsley Sauder [00:19:53]:

I think right now that's, like, young Sheldon or something. Like, just something where if it's just us sisters, then we just go downstairs and we just turn it on. Then we're all happy, and we don't have to argue about it.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:04]:

So, as you girls look into your future and your life of Anne, at your age right now, what do you think that you want to be when you grow up? Or do you want to work outside the home? Or do you think you want to be a stay at home mom? Like, what do you think that looks like for you right now at this season in your life?

Aubrey Sauder [00:20:20]:

Okay. I feel like I don't know what I want to be. I think I want to work outside the home. Like, I don't want to stay at home. I want to be busy with a job, probably. And, yeah, I don't know what job I would want to do. My favorite subject's chemistry, so probably something with that, but I don't really know yet.

Ivy Sauder [00:20:40]:

There's a lot of things I want to be. Like, I could be a stay at home mom or a teacher, or my best friend wants to be a pilot, so I could be, like, a flight attendant and be with her.

Tiffany Sauder [00:20:52]:

That would be awesome.

Ivy Sauder [00:20:53]:

And all I know is I don't want to be a doctor. Cause I don't like blood and that stuff. That's all I know.

Ainsley Sauder [00:20:59]:

Okay. I don't know what I want to be, either, but I definitely want to do something that makes an impact. So, like, maybe being a doctor, but that's also a lot of school, and I kind of just, like, don't want to spend my life, like, in school for that long. Cause what if I, like, want to pursue something else? And I've already spent so many years doing school for that. So the other part of me just wants to be, like, a really good leader in an apartment, in an important business. Sorry, that's, like, a mouthful. But I want to be, like, just people can come to me for stuff and then stay super busy, but I could never be a stay at home mom. I feel like I have too many things I want to do, and I just get bored because I just love being busy and having stuff to do.

Ainsley Sauder [00:21:42]:

I think just, like, having work and stuff would be so fun. Or even doing something with marketing or something. Cause I love doing stuff like that. I think it's really fun.

Tiffany Sauder [00:21:51]:

Thank you, girls, for being on. I appreciate you sharing your perspectives. It's interesting for me to hear you guys reflect on our lives, for sure, but also that the prospect of if you're called to work outside of the home, and that's what it looks like for you, that you see that as being this adventure of exploring your talents and abilities and having impact on the world and not this drudgery of, oh, I'm going to be tired and stressed, and I'm going to feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere I'm not all the time, and I'm going to be overwhelmed, and I'm just going to be tired. And I'm like that you don't. In that I feel like you don't see me complain about my life, you don't see your dad, and I begrudgingly go through the choices that we've made in our lives, and so that makes me feel happy. Yes, Ivy, do you have one more thing you want to say?

Ivy Sauder [00:22:44]:

But, like, it's not our. It is our choice of what we want to be, but at the same time, it's just all God's plan.

Tiffany Sauder [00:22:51]:

That's right, honey. It is. You're exactly right.

Ainsley Sauder [00:22:54]:

Thanks for having us. Happy birthday.

Aubrey Sauder [00:22:56]:

Yeah, that was fun.

Tiffany Sauder [00:22:59]:

Thanks, girls. I love you.

Ainsley Sauder [00:23:01]:

Love you too.

Aubrey Sauder [00:23:02]:

Mwah.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:03]:

My word. It's always gotta get weird.

Ainsley Sauder [00:23:11]:

Can we do your ultra music?

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:13]:

Sure. You guys sing something.

Ainsley Sauder [00:23:15]:

Wait, what should we sing? It's corn. No, I wanna swing. From a chandelier. From a chandelier. Thank you for listening to scared confident. This is Tiffany Gorn. I hope you have a great rest of your.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:35]:

Stop doing your laundry.

Ainsley Sauder [00:23:37]:

Peace out.

Tiffany Sauder [00:23:40]:

Thank you for joining me on another episode of scared confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.