Secrets to closeness with your kids

[00:00:01] Tiffany Sauder: Welcome to scare confident. I'm your host, Tiffany Sauder. There are two things that I have noticed in my behavior with our kids that become big game changers in the way that I interact with them. So I want to talk about those things today. You know, like, sometimes it can be hard to break your own patterns, and these things have helped me break my own patterns. And sometimes I think we can have expectations of our kids that we're not, like, demonstrating ourselves. So let me say what the two things are. The first one is apologizing to your kids.

[00:00:35] Tiffany Sauder: This is not a new parenting idea, but I was reminded of it, and so I would remind you of it. The number one secret to closeness with your kids is apologizing to your kids when you've done something wrong or to hurt them or just acted in a way where that's not how I would allow you to behave. Why would I allow myself to behave that way? So we had one of these last week. It was one of those mornings where, like, everything was taking seven minutes longer than it needed to or had been planned to. It was raining. Every single person wanted me to drive him to the end of the lane to wait for the bus. And I had a hard start to my day, and I was still in wet hair and a robe, no exaggeration. Twelve minutes before my meeting was going to start, and I was, like.

[00:01:18] Tiffany Sauder: I was just starting to get pissed, frankly. Like, just getting pissed. Can everybody else just get their shit done? Because I had all my shit done, and now we're in the day, and all of your lack of planning is starting to put me behind, and I am getting a little panicky because I'm not going to be ready for my meeting. Like, by ready, I mean, like, my hair is wet and I'm not wearing underwear yet. Like, it was escalating, and I was getting pissed for sure. And just, like, terse. And, like, my body, I'm, like, feeling it again. I was just like, oh, my word.

[00:01:51] Tiffany Sauder: I don't understand how this can be so hard. Getting on the bus is not a new thing. It was mostly. It was raining, but anyway, it's just, like, not a good morning. And I was getting so annoyed with absolutely everyone, and so I kind of went off on ains. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was in, like, a very terse. I was just, like, bugged. And so I was talking to her in a way that was kind of like, I'm just bugged with you and can you just not be an idiot for a second? Was kind of like the gist of it all.

[00:02:16] Tiffany Sauder: And it really, it was really nothing she'd done or not done. It was just like, as a sequence of things and she was like the 8th person in line. And so I was just like, oh, my gosh. And so she got it from me. And then Aubrey comes in seven minutes later, unbeknownst to her that I'd had this conversation with Ainsley and I was not my kindest self. And Aubrey's like, can you drive me to the end of the lane? Because it's raining. It was like pouring. In her defense, it was not a drizzle.

[00:02:41] Tiffany Sauder: It was pouring. And it's like about a quarter mile from our house to the bus stop, so it's not just like a second away. So I was like, fine, hurry up. We jump in the car. And I like, back out of the garage. Like, the house is on fire and I, like, floor it to get to the end of our driveway. And those are like little humps in cul de sacs or whatever. And, like, our butts practically come off the seat so fast, so unnecessarily.

[00:03:11] Tiffany Sauder: And I like, like, drive to the end of the lane and I'm like, dead silence. I'm driving like an insane person. I'm speaking no words to her and I'm so annoyed. And she never leaves for the bus early and we had to wait six minutes for the bus to come, which was like an eternity in my morning because I only had like twelve minutes left. And so that was making me more pissed as time was going on so you can get the lay of the land. I was like, not my best self. I was so annoyed with them and I was acting like a brat. I was absolutely acting like a brat.

[00:03:42] Tiffany Sauder: And so when I got home from school, I was like, I need to say sorry to them because I was, like, unnecessary this morning. The fact that we were all running behind was not fixed by my little tantrum. If they would have acted like that to me, I would have told them about what I thought about that and been like, as soon as you change your tone and change your attitude, then I'll do XYZ. But not like that. Like, I was behaving in a way that I would not have allowed them to do or be like, absolutely not. And I was totally out of alignment with my values, so I had to apologize to them and just say, like, I'm sorry I was a butt this morning. I know I did not do anything to make anybody's morning any better. I would not have allowed you to behave that way.

[00:04:23] Tiffany Sauder: And I'm sorry. I'm just, like, really sorry that I did that, and I felt so much better after it. I think we all learned from it, but it was just a great reminder of sometimes we have expectations of our kids behavior that we are not actually even doing. Like, I would have gone off on them if they would have acted like that in the morning. And they were both so gracious, and they were like, it's fine. It was just a bad morning. But anyway, so this is your reminder. Apologize.

[00:04:45] Tiffany Sauder: Sometimes you need to apologize to your kids. Let them see that we make mistakes, too. I would have asked them to apologize to me if they would have acted like that to me. So. Okay, that's the first one. I think it's a secret to closeness with your kids. It's like being human and telling them when you're wrong and just, like, being generous with that. Okay.

[00:05:03] Tiffany Sauder: And the second one is, I may be related, but speaking to them in a loving tone. Speaking to them in a loving tone. Even when you're saying things that are, like, hard or you're disciplining them, like, keeping your tone in a way that is loving. And the reason this is, I think, coming to the foreground for us is so number three and number four, Ivy is almost nine, and Quincy's almost four. And sometimes Ivy and her older sister annoyance just, like, lay into Quince and just be like, you're an idiot. You know, this kind of, like, rail on her a little bit. And I'm like, ivy, do we talk to you that way? Do you feel your dad and I, and, like, authority over you, speak to you in that tone of voice? Cause if you do, I want to know that if that's, like, where you're picking up on the fact that you can talk to your sister this way, but otherwise, we don't talk to each other that way. We don't use these tones of voices with one another.

[00:05:59] Tiffany Sauder: We don't degrade. Like, we don't do this. This is not who we are and what we do. And it just made me take inventory, I guess, in a similar kind of point of reflection as the apology of, like, am I speaking to them in a loving tone no matter what situation we're in? Obviously, when I was annoyed in the morning, I was not speaking to anyone in a loving tone. I was proving my annoyance with my lack of kindness in my loving tone. But I think it's important that if we want our kids to speak kindly to each other, if we want our kids to give each other. I don't know. Grace is kind of an abstract concept in your kid, but that we need, if we want them to be respectful to us, that we need to be respectful to them.

[00:06:43] Tiffany Sauder: And I think that as the grownups in the house, we set the ceiling of behavior for our kids. And so I'm just watching that right now. I'm bringing that into awareness for myself. And so I thought I would just share as a reminder for you, the grownups are often the ceiling of behavior in the household, and so we have to just take stock. And I think sometimes just take a deep breath and take a beat, and then maybe we'll be a little kinder to everybody. So, okay, this is your reminder. You're probably already doing these things, and this is just for me. And so if so, that's great.

[00:07:16] Tiffany Sauder: I love that for you guys. So, anyway, give your kids a squeeze. This week, somebody gave me this great advice of don't let go of your kids until they let go of you in a hug, which I thought was pretty cool. So maybe try that this week as well. As always, thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in to secure, confident. And the fastest way that we grow the show is by sharing an episode with somebody that you love or you think that could benefit from this content today. So if you take a second and text it to somebody, it would be the greatest gift to me in this project.

[00:07:42] Tiffany Sauder: As always, thanks for listening and go crush your week. Thank you for joining me on another episode of scared confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life. I will.