The myth of work-life balance

Tiffany Sauder: Uh, so this weekend I did a thing. I did a cold plunge. So I know I am not the only person on the planet to have done a cold plunge. It's like all the rage. I feel like half of the people that I follow on instagram like do it on the regular. But I had never done it before ever and I was a combination of curious probably a little bit of FOMO, a little bit of bandwagon y, like, what is this all about?

And, I don't know, I just wanted to see what it was. So the country club that we belong to, they were doing this thing where there was like 45 minutes of, like, breathing technique work. which is also an experience for me, new, And then that was really an exercise to get you ready for this cold plunge experience.

So the temperature of the water was like 37, 38 degrees. So it was like very cold, very cold. And, the lady who was facilitating it, she did an awesome job and she was like asking us when we were doing this breathing work, two questions. Obviously I like visualize. The water visualizes, like what was going to happen, kind of preparing yourself.

But she asked us two questions. One of the questions was. Why are you doing this and the second was what do you hope to leave behind in the water? Why are you doing this and what do you hope to leave behind once you get out? And I thought this are really good questions And so I thought I'd share kind of my mental exercise that I went through when she asked me Why are you doing this?

And I think there's a handful of reasons one was curiosity like just like I don't know Just jump on the bandwagon, but I'm like, why am I attracted to? To this, what about this is like a magnetic pull for me. And as I started going into it mentally more, I think one is as you get older, as you get more resources, like, I don't know, life gets a little bit easier.

One is proving to myself that I can get on the edge. Of something uncomfortable and still put my foot in like this is like literally I'm standing beside a bathtub full of ice and literally putting my foot in, but there's a lot of things in life that are hard. And can you get through that mental moment of I don't want to and put your foot in anyway, like, can you do it?

And so for me, it was like a physical manifestation of, you know what, when I'm on the edge and it looks hard, I can do it. And I know that the more I practice that, the more I will be able to like do that in real life. The second thing of like, why did I do it is I wanted to prove to myself that I can be uncomfortable and I can be okay.

I can be uncomfortable and I can be okay. Again, you're in this water. I did it for three minutes and my body started shivering, like, uncontrollably. And I could get out, nothing was holding me in. But how did I calm myself, use my breathing, get my head to a place that said, you know what? My body does not need to physically be okay for me to be okay.

I can be okay because I'm creating that environment for myself and because I can be okay. That was another reason that I did it. I think I've like read there's like inflammation reasons and all this kind of stuff. I don't know. I'm like, I might only do this one time in my life. I don't actually believe that that's going to have that profound of an impact on my longevity doing it for three minutes once in my life.

But I was curious about how my body would feel afterwards. I would say I mostly felt cold. that was mostly how I felt afterwards for like a couple hours. I felt very cold. Uh, I also have Raynaud's syndrome, which is like Like in the winter time, if I don't wear gloves, like very, very, very religiously, my fingers will go numb and like turn purple and get kind of weird colored.

it's like a circulation thing. So, I don't know if I experienced the cold more profoundly than other people, like, as far as like the lingering cold, but I felt very cold. And then I wrote down like kind of these core tenants, these core beliefs of a scared, confident life. and one of them is like, don't be a wimp.

And again, I was like, how, how do I prove to myself that I'm not a wimp? I don't think I'm wimpy, but pushing yourself to do things that are physically uncomfortable to me is great exercise of practicing. Not being a wimp and I like to do like one extreme thing a year last year. I did that 7 peaks in 1 day with my sister.

That was a definite, just pushing myself past what I thought I could do. It's like wanting to live for myself. Don't be a wimp. And I think when we practice physically doing hard things when we're put in those roles. In those moments inside of our work, inside of our family, inside of like, do I want to have this difficult conversation?

I just like, I believe we become what we practice. And when. We practice doing hard things and we practice growing and we practice doing things that we don't want to That we're more likely to do that when it really counts. So That was interesting to me. Okay, so that was why I did it and then the other question she asked this was what do you hope to leave behind in the water and I think for me it was I wanted to leave One more drop of my fear and that water one more drop of just like self doubt one more drop of I have in me what it takes.

To continue on this path that I'm on and I wanted to leave one more drop of fear in that water because it was another Physical symbol to myself that I could do something that was hard And so I wanted to leave in exchange one more drop of fear in that water. when I was in the peak of, I would say just exhaustion and my trigger word overwhelmed, just like, Oh my word, I'm so overwhelmed.

I was in this manic state of just tasks and trying to keep up with everything and pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, and just constantly covered up with to do's, which I can do fairly naturally. That season of my life where I was pushing so, so, so, so hard physically and my capacity and all the things that I was trying to get done for all the people, I feel like I spent like years without actually feeling my own body without actually feeling, was I hungry without actually feeling.

Do I feel joy? Do I want to laugh? Like I was in such a like extreme state of what's next, what's next, what's that, what do I need to do? Is that done? Does that look good? Did I do the thing? And am I forgetting anything? What about next? But I didn't actually experience myself. And when my husband and I went through therapy, when I realized I needed to rebuild my life differently, it was some of my most.

Like gut wrenching cries to let myself feel what I had been like suppressing, pushing down for so many years, letting myself feel, and I think putting myself in this cold water was letting myself feel, letting myself feel cold, letting myself feel that moment, letting myself be the purpose of that.

experience. I didn't go with a friend. I didn't go with my mom. I didn't take my husband. I got up on Saturday morning and I went for an hour and a half and I did this thing all by myself. And I think for me, it was also a reminder that I sometimes need to be the reason I go do something for me so I can feel my body so I can feel the cold.

I can feel my own growth so I can be there for myself. as a leader at work, as a mom, as somebody, I would say that like, I'm just like an initiator of ideas and I love all of the busyness that that can bring. I sometimes just forget to have time to rest and I think I've learned to the overtime rest for me is not like watching a movie all Saturday morning.

Like I don't. I don't feel good doing that. That's not like a, I just, I just don't feel good. Like learning how to rest, learning how to like be in touch with myself, learning how to make myself enough for the moment, has been a real journey for me. So anyway, if you have a cold front, I would recommend trying it.

I don't know that I'm quite at like, add to cart. Like, do I want to own one? I, I don't know. I think I'm not there yet. Um, I'm definitely not in the category of I would never ever do it again. I would do it again, for sure. I don't want one more thing to maintain right now, so I don't want, like, a big tank I have to clean out every week.

but, yeah, I would do it again for sure. and I would encourage you to do it and try it. To remember that you can do hard things. You can get on the edge of something and put your foot in. And you're going to be just fine and you might even be better for it.

okay. The other thing I want to talk about, I just had this really fascinating call, with somebody who had heard about my name and my podcast from a podcast I was a guest on actually.

And, we were talking about this concept of work life balance and I asked him, what does that mean? And I thought it might be a line of conversation that would be relevant to all of my listeners. when we're in two career homes, we're like, you know, both kind of, competing for space in the home for our careers and who's going to leave early and who's going to be home late.

And, you know, who's going to pick up and does this work for you? And I'm going to be traveling. Like, it's just this constant, like marketplace of time. And 1 of the thing I want to say this again is my husband. I have really intentionally had seasons where 1 of our jobs was in the foreground.

And the other 1 was, I'm not even going to say in the background, but kind of like, not 1st and what that normally meant for us was like, which 1 is kind of. I don't know if I'm going to be home by default for pick up or after bus or to relieve the nanny like that was kind of the one that wasn't primary or which one can schedule travel without needing to like ask the other one if that's going to be okay like my husband

his careers in the foreground right now. And since from our scheduling perspective, I'm by default right now home for the kids home for the nanny when everybody's scheduled to kind of be relieved. And, you know, like, the shift is switching in the evenings. I am by default the 1 home if he needs to travel right now, he won't call me and say, like, hey, is this okay?

He's assuming as long as I don't have a trip on his calendar that I'm going to be gone. He knows that I'm going to be here. So, they can't both be primary for all 25 years that you're raising kids if it's not going to have some level of semblance and Sandy. That's been my experience. We've kind of like jockey who's who's on 1st and who's going to kind of like.

Be the primary at home right now running things in the evenings and that kind of stuff But in this full conversation of work life balance, I asked this gentleman I said how will you know that you're there? What does work life balance mean to you? And it's not so much important what his answer is, but I'm asking you that question if you're in pursuit of work life balance What does that mean to you?

How will you know if you're there? And can it live, can your definition live in the real world? What I mean by that is our decisions, our choices for our time, our outcomes, have to live in the imperfect environment that is our lives. Kids get sick, plans change, flights get canceled. things happen.

There's a snowstorm, there's rain, the bus breaks down, like, just stuff happens. I just got a text message that my daughter forgot her volleyball practice closed for what feels like the 300th time things like that. It happens work life balance your definition has to exist in the real world and I was explaining to him.

I said, if you would have looked at my. life, my career in my early thirties, like from 28 to 35. I think other people would have said I over indexed on my career and I under indexed on time with my kids. Potentially some said that, and I consciously made the choice in that season of my life.

To outsource a lot of care so that I could go crush at my career, grow the agency and be at a place at this stage in my life where I could over index on my personal life and have other people in place to be able to run the business. Not everything. I still have a job very much, but it is not the same level of peace, of pressure, of time expectations for me.

And that was the plan. So that my version of work life balance when I was 33 looked like, holy crap, she is working a lot. But I knew that those choices were very much in line with what I was trying to make happen in my life. And my husband understood that those choices were very much in line with the goals that we had as a couple and where we want it to be.

So work life balance does not need to be 50 50. For me, it really means are my choices. In keeping with my goals and if they are, how do I rest peacefully in that instead of it becoming this ever elusive, like mental talk track or like screaming track in your head of like work life balance, work life balance, that was balanced, that was balanced as it related, I'm saying that like my 28 to 35 year old self, uh, that was balanced when you put it in the context of my goals.

It was not balanced in the sense of every night. I was totally unplugged from my computer at 5 p. m. That was not true of that part of my professional life and what it looked like at home. But now I have different choices that I can make because we have a different set of circumstances, a different set of resources.

And so how do you make sure that your definition of work life balance is in the context of your goals? Is clearly defined in a way that you can rest peacefully that you've gotten there and is defined in such a way that it can exist in the real world. And for me, that means, like, you know, 7 out of 10 weeks.

This is what I wanted to look like. There's going to be some extreme outliers. There's going to be some flyers. There's going to be some things that you cannot anticipate. And instead of you beating yourself up that you didn't deliver define it such that you said, Hey, my goal was 7 weeks. This is what I want to look like 4 weekends.

I want to not work. every single Friday night. I want to be sure that we do something with the family, whatever it is. Like define it in such a way that it can exist in the real world. So those are my thoughts on this ever elusive topic of work life balance. I kind of hate the word, but I think it's here to stay.

Um, I think people also talk about like work life integration. Uh, I don't know. I feel like that's just like a cheesy, like contextual play on the concept that is splitting hairs to me. That doesn't really like do much for me mentally. I see it as one life. Filled with choices and every single one of those choices has consequences,

Things happen as a result of your choices. And if you cannot rest peacefully in the consequences of your choices. The good things and the hard things. An example is this for me. Okay. I don't think I talked about this on the podcast.

My daughter turned eight in August and it was like around a really busy season for me. and so on the day of her actual birthday, I was going to be home in the morning before school. But I was not going to be here after school, and I was not going to be here in the evening. I was not going to be here for dinner, and I was not going to be here that night.

So, what we did, the day before her birthday, we went out for dinner as a family and made a really big deal out of her. That was the day before. The morning of her birthday, I have a very dear friend who went and bought donuts at like 530 in the morning for her son has the same birthday as mine. So, we had fresh donuts.

I had wrapped an outfit for her because she loves to wear a new dress to school on her birthday. I made a huge deal out of breakfast. We had this big donut spread. I had hung decorations on our, pendant lights. In our, kitchen the night before, like it looked very different, very festive, very birthday.

I had her big sisters get up because she's the first one outta the house and they ate breakfast with us. It was like, happy birthday, this is amazing. And then I went on a trip that day after school, her cousin came over to play. In that evening, my mom came over for dinner, who's like one of her favorite people.

So, for me, I did not feel like I needed to be here. Her whole birthday. I know there are other people who are like, what in the world? I would never miss my kid's his birthday. That's like really sacred. Okay. To me, it's like a random day on the calendar. Yes, it's important to her and I worked very hard for her to feel special and for that day to be very specific for her.

And I scheduled things while I was gone, but I feel really good about how that went down. I think she felt celebrated. I feel very peaceful with it. So there are consequences to that day. The good consequences that she had probably the best birthday breakfast she'll ever have in her life. Amazing. I was not here after school, which could have been a moment of sadness for her, or I wish mom was here, but her cousin was here.

So that was a great thing that happened. So like, do you see what I'm saying in that like story, there are consequences inside of that. I didn't get to be with her at dinner. I got to do other things. to me? It's like a microcosm of work in life. Integrating together the story of my daughter's birthday, there being consequences inside of it, and being very peaceful about the way that it played out.

Is it less perfect than us doing all of those things on her actual birthday day? I don't know. To me, I'm like, it's like an inconsequential splitting of hairs. Now those are my choices. This is my family. We get to pick that. I'm just using it as an example of there were work things that I wanted to have happen.

There were some personal things that needed to happen on that day. I had to make a set of choices to figure out how those pieces were going to fit together. I did not make the choice not to go on that trip. I could have. Does that make sense? So there are consequences inside of that whole thing. To me, that's the crux of the work life balance thing.

It's about every decision in life. Every choice that we make as adults has a set of consequences to it. And I believe for me, work life balance is when I am at peace with all of those choices. That's what it looks like for me. And to me, there are seasons to it. There are certain seasons of the year that require more of me.

The third month of every quarter is when every single one of my boards meet that I'm on. It's when we do all of our EOS off sites. We have a lot of company meetings. The third quarter, like that month is always bonkers for me. And I just know that pattern in my calendar now that doesn't bug me. So that month work life balance is a little bit different than the other two months.

So anyways, okay, I'll stop belaboring it. Hopefully you get the point. This is where sometimes I wish that I had the advantage of all of your faces in your car so that I could see like nods like, Yes, we get it, Tiffany. Please shut up. We're so done with this topic. Or, I don't know. Okay. Those are the things.

maybe I'll part with a little bit of advice from my grandma, my mom's mom, grandma, Marcella, she just had a 93rd birthday and I shared a few episodes ago about some of her advice, but, she had the saying that she would say to us and she would say dress to forget yourself. dress to forget yourself.

And this was her way of saying, you know, you know when you get ready in the morning, if you have something on and you're thinking about yourself the whole day. Either because it's too tight, you don't like how it fits, you feel frumpy in it, like, you're focusing on yourself the whole day. Or it's like, it's too low, it's super flashy, like, who knows?

But there are things you can wear where like your energy and attention is so much on yourself that you don't have the capacity to see the outside world. And my grandma would always say dress to forget yourself. So, uh, a little parting advice from Grandma Marcella. I think it's, you know, I love clothes and fashion and feeling fun and, confident in what I'm wearing.

But I know exactly what she says when she says that. You know what it feels like when you're put together in a way where you're really ready for. what it has to bring to you and you're available and can listen well to others and not thinking about yourself. And, uh, I think we all know what it's felt like before to put something on and just feel like you're thinking about yourself the whole day.

So this is an encouragement. See the people in the world around you. it is the most generous thing that we can do for one another is. Applaud one another as we're on this crazy, crazy journey of life, and I hope this helps you further your adventure in your own life of and. Thanks for listening.

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