Tips for navigating transitions and finding balance in chaotic seasons

Tiffany Sauder: Okay, you guys. Uh, this morning my oldest one had to be at swim practice at 6 a. m. so leaving the house at 5:35 because she hates to be late.And no, I didn't take her at this time. My husband did, but I went to the gym. And so it was like hilarious. people were like moving through the house at five 30 in the morning. That's usually alone time. so we did that. Everybody's back to school and our nanny started today. we're back to the nanny plan and, I think it's going to be great. Her name is Lexi and Samantha, Sam, who's a showrunner on the show. And like, kind of like, I don't know, chief of staff of my life, basically, we're sharing a nanny and, uh, I think it's going to be great. So we'll kind of share that journey with you a little bit, if that's helpful, the process we went through, the questions I asked, where we found her, I think we're going to do like a little mini series on what I've learned in almost, it'll be like 15 years of nannies in our house.

So a very long time. So that's, what's going on in my world right now, kids back to school, swim practice, yeah, all that stuff. I had lunch today with someone and he is married, is a father and he has two young kids. And one of the, like words of wisdom from the old 43 year old came out and I thought I'd share that with you guys too.they have a baby and he was talking about how, as soon as the baby sleeps through the night, like. They'll get out of the rat race as soon as, you know, X, Y, Z, you'll get out of the rat race. And I kind of said like timeout what I have found when we've had kids for 14 years. I've been married for It'll be This year was 18, like almost 19 years, almost 20 years.

So crazy. You think the next stage is going to be the stage where you have time for things and it's not true. It's like a grand lie, a grand illusion in life that you think like, Oh, I don't totally understand the complexity of the next stage of my life. And so I'm oversimplifying it in my head. And I don't understand.

There's just going to be new things to solve. And so we think, Oh, I don't really have to deal with what's in front of me right now, because in the next stage of life, this will work itself out. So it's true. You know, when you have really little kids and they're not sleeping through the night, that works itself out.

They eventually sleep through the night, but there are other things, new complexities that come with that next stage. And so this is my encouragement to you to say, no, we can't accept that this stage we're going to sacrifice. It's going to be so crazy. It's going to be so overcommitted. It's, we're going to have bad communication.

We're going to be overwhelmed, which is like my kryptonite word. When I am in a place where I'm saying, Oh, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed. I know I am like flat out reacting to my life in every orifice of it. it's not a good existence. It's like not a real existence to me to be reacting to everything in my life.

I want to have control. And so don't give into this. lie, this illusion that the next phase is going to be the one where life is neat and tidy and you'll finally get to your priorities. I think the great, I don't know, challenge in life, excitement in life, like puzzle of life is figuring out how right now in your stage, do you Wholeheartedly, like accept the things that are hard and a little bit crazy.

Like for us right now, it's like, I mean, literally we're scheduled to the max. It's like, I used to make fun of these people and now here I am. But how do I delight in it? How do I make it fun? How do I think about how to keep food simple so that we're not eating out all the time? Like, how do I solve well for where we are right now, instead of being drug, like a rag doll through my life, I don't want to be like that.

So. I was kind of like scoldy. I can get like that, like, you know, like wagging my finger at him, essentially, like, figuratively speaking of no, don't feed into the lie that the next stage of life is going to be the one where you have the time, have the resources, whatever, like how do you solve for what you want now?

That was that number one. I'll give you a little bit of an overview of what's going on in our house I mean like obviously we've been in transition because the kids have been going back to school Fall my husband starts to travel more which just means I'm single parenting a little bit more which just is like a I don't know like different muscle different pace and then Everybody, all the kids are sleeping in a different bed.

So we moved rooms like everybody's in a different space. And then also our basement guest room flooded. And so we had to get, which sounds extreme. There was like, you know, not even an inch of standing water flooded is so extreme, had too much water in it, moisture in it. We had to get new carpet. Which it's like, if you give a mouse a cookie,if we're going to replace the carpet in the room, then we should redo the bathroom.

So the flooring so that it matches. And if we're going to go ahead and take out the vanities, I don't really like them. We should probably just put new ones in. So anyway, you know, as it goes as it goes. so we've been in like space chaos, like, Okay. Nothing has a home the guest room bed was in the playroom that girls is stuff was all in different closets, you know, just because you were sleeping in that room doesn't mean that's where your underwear were at.

Like, you know, can you kind of see it? Like, it's crazy stuff was everywhere. Putting away laundry was like a jigsaw puzzle. And so this weekend I kind of like lost my face on the family. I was like, look, everybody, I cannot continue to exist in this chaotic space. We were in full on like summer mode in July.

We were in back to school prep in August, you know, getting everybody into their sports, making sure everybody has the perfect pair of Nike tennis shoes, all of the things that come with, you know, all the things. And now we need to. Get our house back because I can't do this. And there were a couple of things like tips or hacks that like came to the forefront for me that I thought I would share with you that have been really helpful.

And I would say served our family pretty well in spite of the fact that I was a little bit of a. Like Savage Monster this weekend, ordering everybody around, getting everything cleaned up.

One of them is the one empty shelf, one empty drawer, one empty container rule. So, what I mean by this is like when we're cleaning out, let's say the girls playroom, I went there to be one empty drawer, one empty shelf.

And the reason is there is no way that we have the exact Perfect number of belongings to be held by the furniture that we have and accidentally you measure your belongings by the amount of space that you have instead of measuring your belongings by the number of things you actually need or want to play with, et cetera.

So. but just because we have room for 20 dress up dresses, doesn't necessarily mean that we need 20 dress up dresses. Like let's pick the ones that in the eight that we use the most often. I'm using this as like a really rudimentary example, but that way, if there's an extra drawer Extra shelf, extra container.

There's going to be, you know, four birthdays for everybody going through the year. There's going to be Valentine's day. There's going to be Easter baskets. There's gonna be Christmas gifts. Like there's always more stuff coming into the house, no matter how much I try to contain it. And so when we clean out a project or we cleaned out our garage this weekend, too, if everything starts full, like every drawer is full, every shelf has something on it.

Then instantly as soon as you get more things it likes the overflow process starts And so it was like a real point of awareness for me to realize like we can't just have all of our surfaces clean Like we have to have space inside of our drawers and I realize this is like such a consumer I don't know I feel like a little self conscious being like we have so much stuff but you get my point like if you're gonna have order In your space, there's got to be space for more things to come in because you know, it's going to, you just know, it's going to end this like world that we all live in.

So, or that we live in,  giftiest mother in law. I have the giftiest mom. it's the most amazing thing. That my kids are celebrated like this. We have to have a place to put it. So that is one kind of cleanup hack. One empty shelf, one empty drawer, one empty container. Make sure when you're going through stuff, kind of, I don't know, fall cleaning, you know, sprucing things up, getting everybody's clothes out of their closets that don't fit them anymore.

Make sure there's space for those new belongings to come in.

Um, the other thing I do, I was not very fun this weekend. I'll like own that. But sometimes I am fun and sometimes I am able to make cleanup fun. This weekend was not one of them. But when I am, you think about in our family, there's six people. Quincy doesn't count when it comes to cleanup. So there's five of us. If all of us work. For an hour together, that's like five hours of like, pick up, clean up, et cetera, like play some loud music, have some popcorn at the end of it, like define an amount of time. Exactly when it's going to happen. Everybody does the same time.

Like, make it fun in those family cleanups. We get our house like ship shape again when I'm not in a savage mode, it actually is. It can be fun. And at the end, have like a fun reward, play a game of UNO together, or, go outside and, you know, shoot baskets or my girls love it when we're just outside with them blowing bubbles and playing volleyball with the older ones and just like hanging out kind of reward everyone that has been a way for me to not feel like, Oh my word, this is all on my shoulders to keep things ship shape.

And if you like live by yourself. make it fun for yourself. Give yourself a very finite period of time for 30 minutes. I'm going to do as fast as I can. And at the end, I'm going to like paint my fingernails or something. So those like contained compressed family cleanups are a great way for us to get a lot of progress when we need to be very efficient as a household.

Because we're going a lot of directions, the kids are in school all day long and the evenings were usually like games and practices and all that kind of stuff. And, that is a really helpful tool. The other thing I started doing, I think is very smart. I will try to put together an Instagram reel on this.

Candidly, I'm like, I feel like super medium at those and it takes me a long time and then I get grumpy. So I'll try to Instagram reel on what this looks like. But my younger kids are... Often at games with us for the older, like swim meets and volleyball games. And so I need something for them to do other than play on my phone.

I'm not too good to let them play on my phone. That happens sometimes, but we don't always, I don't want to do that the whole time. So when they're not watching, which sometimes they don't want to, and when they're not just like playing under the greasy bleachers with friends. I have an activity bag that I take to games and practices and that's in the car when we're driving around.

But those activity bags get like really old really fast. You know, they're like, I've already seen this toy. I've already seen this thing. I've already read this book. And so I have three bins. In our laundry room that are filled with stuff that they don't have access to otherwise. So one bin is like coloring books and craft, like little craft packages, um, markers, crayons that aren't broken, I think of Crayola crayons, like literally still a dollar 39.

Like it's incredible. so one bin is crafty stuff, coloring stickers, that kind of stuff. But one bin is. Like little figurines, like Quincy's super into Cocomelon right now. So I have this like little ziploc bag of like the six Cocomelon figurines. Little princesses, little Lego sets, little magnet things, like little things like that that like would be great for a church bag or a toy bag, little puzzles.

One box is that and then the third box is books. Things again, that's like not on their bookshelf all the time. And so at the beginning of the week, I literally just swap stuff out. I go to those three bins. I pull out, you know, maybe half of the bag from the week before. Maybe there was one thing they were like super jamming on and I'll leave that And, and I replace a new coloring book. I put some new stickers in there. I might switch out the markers for crayons or, some cool glitter pens or something like that. And then down the line. And then also, obviously like put snacks and water bottles in there. like I stock those bins with literally gifts that we get, like things that come home from birthday parties like a little favors, like Play Doh, that kind of stuff.

When they have their birthday, I'll like literally just like stash a couple of things back and put them in those bins because they kind of forget what they got all came at the same time. That's a great way. Easter basket gifts, Valentine's Day gifts, or just like walking through the Clarence sticker aisle, like a target, I'll like pick up stuff.

So it's not like a expensive thing to maintain at all, but that has been a lifesaver where the girls hardly even understand what's happening, but it keeps the bag fresh. It keeps me from scrambling. It keeps me from having just like literally a bag of used Kleenexes and like old stickers like them.

Playbags casually devolves to if I don't stay up with it and it works really well So if you're trying to figure out how to keep Little ones, or if you've got a lot of travel in between, practices and stuff, this activity bag hack has been really helpful, and I feel like it's like kind of a system where Sunday night, I unload the one from the week before, it takes like literally less than probably six minutes, like it's really fast at this point, and It's been a really great way to like, use the stuff that we have, keep it fresh, keep the kids engaged and off my phone.

Most of the time, some of the time. so yes. Um,

September 1st is like literally tomorrow and fall for me is always a season of planning and I'm beginning to set my mind on planning. And when you're like in the world by yourself as a grownup, you. Get to think about what do I want for my life this year, which is still a good question to ask at this point where I have a lot of other people that depend on me.

But 1 of the things I'm going to try to do this year is to 1st, go and ask the people who are depending on me. So, like Kyler, the president of element 3, Rachel, the CEO of share your genius, my husband, my kids and ask the question. What do you. Most need of me this year so that I am planning my own goals for myself in the context of what other people need from me.

and that doesn't mean I'll say yes to all those things, but that to me is going to be, I think, a good hygiene practice, especially I'm just like really aware as my girls get older. Aubrey's in high school now. Asking her what she needs from me is a really important part of our relationship. So she may say like, I don't need anything from you, mom.

Or it might be mom on the mornings I have early morning practice, I really want a hot breakfast. I don't know what she's going to say, but asking her gives me a chance to serve her well. my second one will probably say, Mom, I really love it when you pack my lunch, everybody in my house hates to pack lunches, but you know, how do I create the capacity to give her?

I think that makes her feel like I've taken care of her when I pack her lunch and she doesn't have to do it herself when she comes home after a long day of school and then practice or a game and still has homework. I think for her, it's like one more thing she's trying to do and she's trying to eat healthy.

Like she likes to eat really healthy and so packing her lunch is part of managing that decision for herself. So I'm going to ask them, what do you need from me? And that is a new step for me and my goal planning. So I think that for you and your spouse, JR and I have started to get in the habit. This is, it'll be the second year, but we're going to go away together in November.

And for us, that falls at a really good time of year, because our teams a lot of time are in like deep planning mode. It's between seasons for, our daughter who's in volleyball. So that November timeframe, a little before Thanksgiving is a good season. I really want us to hear one another well on what do we need from each other with what we see is coming up in our businesses, with the things that we personally want to get done, the places that we want to grow individually, where we see our family is going.

So, I don't know, as you're going into the season of planning. Ask the people around you, what do you need from me for you to feel like I'm serving our relationship well, for you to feel like I'm serving my commitment well to you? I think when I think about planning, I'm more, I'm like, what are my dreams?

What are the new things I want to do? what do I want to add to my plate? And maybe that's the other question to ask myself is what will I remove? I've actually. Kind of been in a season of removal right now pruning thinning the herd on the number of different things.

I've said yes to because I've realized whenever I say yes to like a new board or a new like mentoring relationship, it's a totally new group of people and totally new place that I need to go instead of it being like inside already like the nucleus of places that I am and that takes just more emotion and there was a season of my life where expand was very much the name of the game.

I think it served my career really well. I think it served my personal growth really, really well, but right now. As if I'm like prime season of my kids needing me in a different way. And what I mean by that is like logistically, I have to like drive to a volleyball game that's 45 minutes away. That starts at 515 like it's bananas, you know, that takes a lot of capacity in our Family schedule and I want to be able to be there for that stuff And so getting I think it's kind of a season of pruning so that I can be really present in a way that I Won't regret, for my family right now.

So just some thoughts on planning. I'd be curious to know what that process looks like for you. I'm asking myself those questions. Where do I need to prune? And what do the people and relationships that I'm in need from me in the coming year? for me to do well by those relationships and commitments.

So anyway, life is so fun. Um,last thing I would say I'm working on. Is just my talk track to other people. When people ask me how things are going, I want to be honest, like when things are hard, but also I'm aware of the way that we talk about things becomes our reality. So I say like, we are like super busy, but it's all the things we've chosen.

It's amazing. We have the four, like most amazing kids, our life is filled with lots of opportunities to do really cool things, and the challenge is fitting it all together in a way that is sustainable, but life is great. another way of saying that, that might come across even differently in my emotions is to be like, Oh my word, like things are so busy.

I feel like we're running all over the place. Like the girls are going in a thousand different directions. Like that's the same story said with a very different. Energy behind it and coming from like a very different place and I have found even the rehearsal of how do I really feel about my life?

How I really feel about it is like this is. Excellent. Is it perfect? No, but it's excellent. And the way I talk about it will inform the way I feel about it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying it like overcomes reality, but I'm just really aware of that. It's like, This is a grand life. This is so fun.

It has so much in it. There's four amazing kids who want to live a great big life just like their dad and I. And, you know, it's imperfect and we're doing our best and we're having a great time. I don't know. Last thing I'm thinking about. I just so appreciate you guys listening in on this. Journey. I am still working on this course for two career families.

I will fit that into the margins as I talk to some of you just like in real life. I see there is a great, great need for this. and actually in the next solo show, what I'll do is share some of the responses and data that came from the survey that we sent out asking for your feedback against it. That might be a great, kind of just reveal and make you realize like you're not alone in this.

I was talking to somebody and they said, you know, we spent so much time listening to podcasts and reading books and all this stuff about having a baby. And then here we are a two career family. There's just no guidebook for it. And There's not, and it's not for everybody, and it's not a perfect path, but remind yourself that nothing is perfect.

No path is perfect. This is the one you've chosen, and it's our job to make it the best we possibly can every single day. Thanks for listening.

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