When does being a working mom get easier?

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:00]:Other people don't live with the outcomes of your life and your time and your balance sheet and what you earn, they don't live with those outcomes. You live with those outcomes. And so the things that we trade our time and our opportunity and the thing, the priorities that we put in and what we get to, our energy, those things are incredibly important because you are the one that is going to be left with your life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:24]:I'm a small town kid born with a big city spirit. I choose to play a lot of.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:28]:Awesome roles in life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:00:30]:Mom, wife, entrepreneur, CEO, board member, investor, and mentor. 17 years ago, I founded a marketing consultancy. And ever since, my husband, junior and I have been building our careers and our family on the exact same timeline. Yep, that means four kids, three businesses, two careers, all building towards one life we love. When I discovered I could purposefully embrace all of these ands in my life, it unlocked my world. And I want that for you, too. I'm Tiffany Souder, and this is scared, confident.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:06]:I recently got a text message from a friend and the question was, when does being a working mom get easier? And I had a lot of thoughts about that question and so certainly I export it to her. But I always like when I have these poignant moments or conversations, like to jump on the microphone and share my answers and perspective with you guys as well. So what about this question? When does being a working mom get easier? So let's start with this backdrop. It's all hard. Everything is hard. No doubt you have heard me talk about this before, but being a stay at home mom is really hard. Go talk to stay at home mom friends. And I assure you they're going to tell you this is really hard.

Tiffany Sauder [00:01:48]:There's a grind to it. I don't feel like I'm socialized. I feel like I'm not with friends. I feel like I'm never showered. Like, there's things that are hard about being a stay at home mom. Working part time also very hard. You're trying to mix it together. When do you do it? Can you afford daycare? Can you not? Do you do it just when the kids are in school? Like, what does that look like? Working just part time is hard and working full time is hard.

Tiffany Sauder [00:02:10]:So one of the things that was helpful for me when I was in seasons of rechoosing being a working mom, being a full time working mom is to like, look around and say, man, my brain right now is looking most clearly at the things that are hard about my situation. And they're looking most clearly about the things that are easy in those other situations, working part time or being a stay at home mom. And so you create this ridiculous reality, or, I don't know, fantasy, maybe in your head that is only seeing the worst parts of your current choice and is glamorizing and only seeing the best things of the situations that you're not in. So that is the backdrop, is reminding yourself that it is all hard. Every path has things that are awesome and positive about it, and every path has things that are a little bit difficult. That's the first thing. Just a reminder, the greener pasture may not actually be a greener pasture, but I talk also about this idea of, you have to decide what before you can figure out the how. And if you are not in a place where your heart is settled about your choice, like your heart and your gut and your family and everybody supporting you is settled in your choice, then every single time something hard happens, you go back through this like crazy mental and emotional game of, oh, my word, maybe this is what should I be doing? Oh, my word, the cost is too high.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:36]:Oh, my word. Like, this is so hard. Like, oh, my word, I'm not doing it. And then it's just like life becomes these series of peaks and valleys, and I think life becomes this big emotional roller coaster. That is not why I want to live my life. So the first thing I said was, you first have to decide, it's what you want. It's what you want. I want to be a full time working mom or whatever your thing is that you've picked.

Tiffany Sauder [00:03:56]:I don't care. I'm not an advocate for everybody working full time. I'm an advocate for you doing what you want in your life. That's what I'm an advocate for. So what do you want? And then once you have decided what you want, say it out loud to yourself 10,000 times. And when things get really hard, you remind yourself, I've decided this is what I want. And so as a result, I need to figure out a different how. I have got to put myself in places where I can learn different tools, where I can understand my time better, where I'm getting more efficient, where I'm outsourcing the things that aren't serving me and are giving me joy, or you're doing an exchange as you make more money, that you're starting to get more help.

Tiffany Sauder [00:04:35]:So that's my first thing, is you first have to decide in your toenails that this is what you want. And there were seasons where I was like, I don't know. This is really, really, really, really hard to be a working mom. Both of us have careers, both of us, all these demands on us. I felt like the capacity bucket was very dry, and one was certainly I, like, leveled up and created a very different toolbox for our family to live on. But the other thing is, sometimes I would put myself in those other situations, like over Christmas, I always take a longer time off, like, I don't know, six to 1012 days sometimes. And that was my annual reminder that I am not built to be a stay at home mom. I was not good.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:20]:I did not have energy. My brain, it was not present. It was just not good. And so sometimes going and putting yourself in those things that your mind is glamorizing, just go try it for three days and see is it better. It was kind of a reminder for me that, like, holy crap, this is just all really hard. I need to go do the thing I really feel called to the thing I actually am really, really good at and level up my toolbox and work on that instead of exchanging my dreams. So for me, that was number one. You have got to decide it's what you want.

Tiffany Sauder [00:05:51]:And then when things that happen that are hard, you look at yourself and say, well, I've got to figure out the how because I'm not exchanging the what. I have already decided the what. For me, there's a lot of peacefulness that came from not letting my mind and doubt and fear take me through this. Like, I don't know, rollercoaster ride of like, oh, am I doing the right thing? Like, that is exhausting. No. So if you're doing that, please take yourself through a process, get really clear about what you want to decide, and, like, plant on that. Own it, write it in your journal, read it back to yourself, whatever it takes. But remind yourself, this is what I want.

Tiffany Sauder [00:06:29]:I've got to solve for a different how. So what do we do instead, though, of being, like, confident, peaceful, in command of our choice? I think that oftentimes this is the moment where guilt can really start to slip in and start screaming at us. And as I've thought about this word guilt and the different types of it, the different flavors of it, maybe that's the word I'm looking for, the different flavors of it. I think there's three, and I'll tell you what they are. The first kind of guilt is, like, good guilt. And that is guilt. That is about I'm compromising my personal values. When you feel guilty, sometimes it's because you've actually done something that is violating what you believe in.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:11]:So this is like an extreme example, but stealing something from somebody or shoplifting, I don't do these things, I don't condone these things. But like, if I did that, I would feel really guilty. Like that is violating a value of mine. I'm using an extreme, ridiculous, an example to prove the point. But where you're compromising your personal values, you're compromising your family values, you're compromising what you stand for. So one example in our family and life that we've decided pushes too far. And when I do this, I feel guilty. And I've learned this is good guilt is during the week, during the school year.

Tiffany Sauder [00:07:45]:It is very difficult on our girls. When Jr and I are both away. We do that once a year. We'll leave them when we go on like he and I's trip. But for work. I have decided it's not worth the cost to my family for both of us to be gone at the same time. So if junior is going to be gone, if he already has a trip on the calendar and I get an opportunity to speak or to be away, it doesn't matter how big the opportunity is. I've decided, our family values, that I am not going to go.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:13]:Both of us are not going to be gone at the same time unless it's to be together. Because when I'm gone in that scenario, I feel very guilty. I know the train is not running well. There is like an emotional tornado going through the house because I'm very centering to the fam and keeping things moving. My girls are in preteen and teenagers. It's just too expensive emotionally for our family for me to do that. So that is like good guilt. It's pushing on me and saying, hey, this isn't what you said you wanted it to look like in your household.

Tiffany Sauder [00:08:43]:This guilt is getting my attention because I've made a choice or a decision that is violating something that's important to me. I think that's a good productive guilt. When your subconscious is pushing on you, when you've made a choice that is outside of who you are, what you believe, and what you want your family to be about, that's like good productive guilt. And sometimes guilt screams in our face and gets our attention. When we're achievement oriented, when we're task oriented, when we're trying to do all the things, that's like, hey, look, slow down, time out. So that's one productive guilt. I'm compromising my personal values, the second kind of guilt that I think can show up is other people's expectations. We feel guilty because other people's expectations or other people's behaviors are making me feel guilty.

Tiffany Sauder [00:09:29]:So their expectations or I'm going to use, like, their behaviors. So here's an example. Let's say all of the parents of your kids, friends at school, all volunteer on the PTO. They're hot to trot on it. They are do a lot around the fundraisers. They do the, like, you know, annual bingo night that raises money. They're just like, all in on it. And you're like, I feel guilty that I am not there.

Tiffany Sauder [00:09:52]:But do you feel guilty because you want to be there, or do you feel guilty because you think you're supposed to be there? You think you're supposed to be in this tribe, you think you're supposed to be doing what everybody else is doing, or you feel guilty because you think they're saying you should do it? And why are you not helping out in this way? Because they've chosen to. And that is trash guilt. That is absolute trash guilt. Feeling guilty because of other people's expectations or because other people's behaviors are forcing into your life. Volunteering in the classroom is an easy one that I can think of. I used to feel guilty for that. I can't always every week to pull my weight in the carpool. There are some weeks I drive like 70% of the carpool, and there are some weeks where I drive 7% of the carpool because that's how it goes with our lives and a bunch of different kids.

Tiffany Sauder [00:10:45]:I went through seasons where I felt guilty. I couldn't always do my percentage of carpool every week. Now I do my percentage of carpool on the whole, on the aggregate. But if there is a parent or somebody in the carpool that is like, very ruly and militant, I'm probably going to annoy them and I'm going to be hard to carpool with. But I don't need to feel guilty about that. That's just our reality. Maybe our worlds don't mix. That's cool.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:08]:I'm not mad at you. We don't need to be in the same carpool, but I don't need to feel guilty that I can't do that, if that makes sense. The third kind of guilt is I feel like I should feel guilty. So this is different than other people's expectations or behaviors making. That's like an external force pushing guilt into your world. This one is, I feel like I should be so this is coming oftentimes from the inside of us, where I think this can come for me. The flavor looks like my mom was a stay at home mom, and I work. And so this guilt of I'm not doing everything for our family that she was able to do for our family.

Tiffany Sauder [00:11:45]:So that means that I am not being a good enough mom. And if I'm not being a good enough mom, then I am leaving gaps. And I feel guilty that I can't fill in all of those holes. Like, this is coming from the inside, where you're projecting into your behavior things that may not actually be a violation of your values. Does that make sense? Like, when I got really clear with myself about what is important to me, not the things that I think my mom wants for me, not the things that I think my husband wants from my life and my time, not the things I think my kids want from me. But what do I want? What kind of a mom do I want to be? What do I want to be present for? What does my family need me for? What do I want to feel like in our home? When I got clear on those things, then that is what I could manage. I was able to see it and say, this is what I wanted to feel like to be in our home. This is what I want it to feel like in.

Tiffany Sauder [00:12:41]:In our family. This is what I will be there for my kids. And these are the things that I will trade for opportunities that I want in my professional life. But what is that line for you? And when those things are undefined, we have these external stories, these external forces that begin to make us feel bad about what we've chosen for our time, like what we've chosen to give our time to. And then there's things internally that we may know and see. And some things, I think, just roll around in our heads almost subconsciously, where it makes us feel guilty that we're not living up to these invisible expectations inside of our own minds or things that we think people watching us want from us, like our parents and our in laws and our close friends and those kinds of things. So those are not productive kinds of guilt that sends us on errands with our time, that are not expedient to actually what we want and where you get to go. Other people don't live with the outcomes of your life and your time and your balance sheet and what you earn.

Tiffany Sauder [00:13:44]:They don't live with those outcomes. You live with those outcomes. And so the things that we trade our time and our opportunity and the thing, the priorities that we put in and what gets our energy. Those things are incredibly important because you are the one that is going to be left with your life. So I say to myself often this quote that guilt is a guide, not a mandate. Guilt is a guide, not a mandate. Meaning I don't have to feel guilty because I've chosen to be a working mom. You don't have to feel guilty if you've chosen to be a stay at home mom.

Tiffany Sauder [00:14:21]:Guilt is not a mandate in our lives. We don't ever need to feel that emotion. But there are times when guilt can be a guide to force me back to asking myself, am I feeling guilty because there is a value I've put in place that is being violated and my subconscious is trying to get my conscious mind's attention so that I can make different choices in my behaviors. That to me is where guilt is a guide. It is your friend, but it can chew up your energy, it can chew up your choices, it can chew up your life if you let it be the thing that takes predominant control. So I think this is also a good time to remind like there are seasons to things. When I talked and I think at the beginning about like I've had to rechoose being a full time working mom. I've had to rechoose that choice as we had more kids, as my husband got into new opportunities, as our financial situation changed and I didn't have to work.

Tiffany Sauder [00:15:16]:Like I think in those seasons, you look at it and say, does this still serve me? Does this still serve our family? Does this still what I want? And how do I change my toolbox so that I can navigate this new environment in this new season without compromising my values and without not stewarding my priorities forward? So anyway, kind of some big things, little things here, big backdrops. But I think it's important to remember that. So when will being a working mom get easy? That was the question that we started with. And I think this one word answer is never. But life is not easy. And so if we are looking for this nirvana where suddenly we found the life that was meant for us and we know it's meant for us simply because it's easy, easy. That's not life. It's not actually life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:16:05]:Read memoirs and talk to people who are so clearly living in their calling in life, and it is not easy. That's not the promise of this life at all. So when will being a working mom get easy? Never. Life isn't easy. But being a working mom can be peaceful and it can be peaceful when you have decided it's what you want and all of your energy is going into building the resources and toolbox and relationships that can help you do that in a way that keeps your values completely aligned with your actual life. So, to all you working moms out there, to all you working dads out there, to all you two career families, there is not an easy path. But this path for me has been filled with so much growth, this completely awake and alive way of living life that is my sign that I'm totally where I'm supposed to be. I feel so alive.

Tiffany Sauder [00:17:02]:I feel so challenged. I feel so creatively fulfilled. I have the most incredible people in my life, and I feel like it makes me better at home. So I don't know your story. I don't know your answer. I'm not here to give that to you. But I hope this framework helps you more thoughtfully put energy towards the thing you've chosen instead of guilt distracting you from the thing you're supposed to be.

Tiffany Sauder [00:17:24]:Thank you for joining me on another episode of Scared confident. Until next time, keep telling fear. You will not decide what happens in my life.

Tiffany Sauder [00:17:33]:I will.

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